115 Cardinals walk into the Vatican. The bartender (you know they have one) say, ‘Hey, we don’t serve Cardinals here.’ And the Cardinals say ‘Why? Are you a Mets fan?’ So the Cardinals are all holed up in the Sistine Chapel ready to vote on a new Pope. They’ve been debating for days and conclave…
In finishing the recording for my upcoming single, “If I Were A Girl”, I needed a giant gang vocal for part of the chorus. So for the last few weeks at my shows, I’ve been recording the whole audience yelling “Boobs!” to be layered together in the final recording. I’d like to present to you…
I’ve never understood why women wear high heels. Oh I know the reasons they say they wear high heels. We get it. Heels make your butt and boobs stick out more. That’s a fantastic reason to bind your feet like some sort of corporate geisha and turn your spine into a silly straw. Let me…
Well, since we’re just getting into 2013, I figure it’s about time we start talking about year 3000. So here’s a few of my predictions for where the world will be 987 years from now. 1. Windows will continue to degrade until every computer that comes with Windows 337 aka Windows “O” (see below) will…
While preparing to go on stage at Black Oak Casino last week, I started to have some chest pains. Not “merchant marine standing on your chest” type pains. Maybe more “this isn’t really a lap dog” type. Could have been heart burn, but it felt more pressure-y. And my limbs were starting to feel weak. …
I’ve been trying to lose some weight. I’m not too bad off, but I could lose 15 pounds or so. I’d like to be able to tuck my shirt in without looking like a before picture. My girlfriend read in some stupid magazine that if your man suddenly starts trying to get in shape, he’s…
At the beginning of every year, we end up taking stock of what happened or didn’t the previous year. Am I rich yet? Am I famous yet? If I were to stop contacting the world, would the world stop contacting me? No, no, and probably… I have to admit, as much as fame is attractive…
Last night I was thinking about why I enjoy reading so much more now than I did when I was in school. I generally read non-fiction, learn-y type books too. I’ve decided that text books were just boring. I know, deep thinker, right? But books are still big sellers and lots of people read. So…
Don’t…. Just don’t. That’s pretty much it. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a contrarian. If everyone is doing one thing, I’ll generally run in the other direction. Not all hipster-like “Dude, that band was better when they weren’t popular,” but more “Hey Grown Man with an Angry Birds shirt on, it’s just a game.”…
As both a Disney fan and a Star Wars fan, I’m excited to see how this new partnership works out. I wasn’t surprised really. I’d heard that Lucas was looking to move onto new things and he’s a longtime Disney fan. And of course the two companies have worked on attractions together in the past. …
If you haven’t seen it yet, the Standup Shots page on Reddit is an amusing way to blow time when you should be doing something else. I like it because it’s a neutral playground for jokes. If the joke is good, it rises to the top. Of course, it’s best suited to a particular kind…
Awhile back I ran across a new item that could have the Darwin Awards people working overtime. It’s an iPhone case that includes a 650,000 volt stun gun How many ways can that make an evening go wrong? “Honey? Are you still there? I heard some static on the line” There’s no autocorrect for that. …
I just remembered that the apocalypse is coming this year. I had to look up the date because I couldn’t remember when it was. 12/21/12. How coincidentally symmetrical. I guess I should set a reminder on my phone. Wouldn’t want to be caught unawares when the day comes. What I mean by that is I’m…
A friend of mine asked me to write a song for her new baby and baby shower. I asked if she remembered that I’m a comedian. Well, ya get what you ask for. And today is the release of my latest single, “Dodged A Bullet” (aka The Baby Song). Most people like to think about…
I’ve talked in the past about the new depths that Hollywood is sinking to on the creative front. And you may think the title of this post is a joke. Unfortunately, it’s not. “The Exorcist” recently finished a run at the Geffen Theater in Los Angeles and is probably headed for the Great White Way….
I’ve spent much of the last two weeks watching the Olympics. I think I enjoy the Olympics more than regular professional sports because I feel a bit of a kinship with the athletes. Artists and athletes are the same in many ways. They are trying to create a small change in their audience. Musicians try…
In June I performed a week at Laughs Unlimited in Sacramento, CA and the audiences were great! So for my August release I’d like to share some of that with you. You can see from the cover photo why I decided to make this an audio release. 🙂 I’m calling this album “Live Behind A…
Since Henson productions pulled their toys from Chik Fil-A’s children’s meals, they’re going to need a replacement. I’m totally ahead of the game with this idea from my DVD “Be Yourself… Unless You’re An Idiot.”
Here’s this week’s episode of Phil’s Fast 15, my Monday night live broadcast featuring a variety of tunes dug out of my vault. It’s a military grade vault made of platinum and I often go swim in my songs like Scrooge McDuck. This episode features the songs “Judgment Day” and “Hillbilly Love” from the album…
I probably won’t get a lot of agreement on this one. But, do you remember when we used to make fun of people who wouldn’t read a book because there wasn’t enough pictures in it? Seems everything needs to be presented as an infographic these days. I know it’s tapping into peoples’ different learning styles…
It’s once again time for the Olympics! That time every two years when millions of people sit on their couch watching thousands of people exercise more than they ever will. And I’ll be right there with them. I’m totally not a sports guy. I couldn’t care less about football or baseball or boxing or hockey. …
Hey Kids… I’m leaving for LA in just a few minutes, but I wanted to show you this great flowchart a friend turned me onto. It’s how to pick the perfect musical instrument for you. I’ll let it go that the guy spelled “bassoon” wrong. Just go with it. The rest is funny, and true…
This is something that has always driven me a little bit nuts. Why is it that people are never smiling in old photos? And a lot of them, not only not smiling, but looking grim. I mean yeah, if you had to carry a candle around the house and shit in a wooden shed in…
If you’ve never used it, Fiverr.com is a strange little marketplace for small jobs. Sometimes they’re super useful, like this guy who will build you a mobile website. Others less so, like this guy who will dance in a hot dog costume to whatever song you’d like. A lot of it is promotional ideas that…
