One of the side effects of being with a Singaporean girl is having to get used to spicy food. Before her it’s wasn’t my strong suit. I’m a firm “Mild” at Taco Bell.
But I’ve gotten used to it over the years and I know if we go to a Thai restaurant I’ll come out looking like I just bombed an audition for Survivor.
We went to a Thai food place the other night and the waitress brought us glasses of water. I said, “I drink a lot of water. You can just leave the pitcher.” She looked at me… and back at her boss… and said, “I’ll just bring it when you need it.” Like this was my big plan to steal a plastic pitcher and escape to Mexico to fence it to the Cartel.
Her boss came to take our food order. Probably because we were now “suspect”.
He asked how spicy we wanted our food on a scale of 1 to 10. Which is like your dominatrix asking “How far do you want to go today?” But there’s no safe word with at the Thai restaurant.
Of course, you’re there and you want the really good stuff. And you’re also sure it’s a really bad idea.
We told the guy 8. And when we do that they look at me, then look at my girlfriend. And she says, “It’s ok. He’s cool.” And I can only imagine the cook looked out at our table and went, “Oh, he thinks he’s cool, does he?”
Because the food that came out was so covered in red Thai chiles it looked like it had measles.
We each took a bite and looked at each other. And my girlfriend said, “We’ve made a horrible mistake.” But we can’t send it back. We’re in now. So I put on my Richard Simmons terry cloth headband and got to work.
Science has shown that spicy food gives you the same endorphin rush as having sex. Right down to the expelling of bodily fluids if you do it right. But unlike spicy food, sex doesn’t burn. Usually.
Not only that. They also claim that spicy food is an aphrodisiac. You ever eat a big spicy meal and then feel like jumping right in the sack for a pork session? Yeah, me either.
My girlfriend said, “You’re gonna be able to write a whole new hour of comedy in the bathroom later. I said, “I’m going to name that special ‘8’”.
The waitress came out and said, “Is it too spicy?” Which is like asking someone at the end of a marathon, “Hey, out for a little jog?”
She asked if we’d ordered Thai Spicy or another number. We said 8. And she said “Oh, Thai Spicy is 11 out of 10.” I said, “What are you? Spinal Thai?”
“Our food goes to 11. And our customers keep exploding.”
My girlfriend said, “What was that all about?” I said, “I’m pretty sure she just called us pussies, dear. Keep eating.”
They also say spicy food is good for losing weight. Well sure. If someone is punching you in the face with every bite of food, you’ll probably eat less.
So we finally gave up, only getting about 2/3 of the way through the food. And then the waitress has THE BALLS to bring us a bill.
Cuz you gotta pay the dominatrix.