Christmas Music For People Who Hate Christmas Music

Christmas Music for People Who Hate Christmas MusicIt’s that time of year again where stores open for longer hours and people go to great depths of debt and sleeplessness to create “joy”.

And to accompany all that strfesstivity?  (I made up a word! Yay!)  The constant trickle of badly covered Christmas songs.

Back when I worked in grocery stores, I had to spend the last two months of every year listening to the worst versions of every Christmas song over those tinny, horrible grocery store speakers.

BUT, I knew that the people that wrote those songs were raking their yearly wages into extra large hefty bags to take to the bank.  And I decided that one day I’d write a Christmas song and get myself a helping of that money.

And so far I’ve written 3 Xmas songs that will never…. ever…. be played in a grocery store, bank, or S&M den.  Okay, maybe that last one might play them.  But there’s not enough of them to build up enough royalties to make it worthwhile.

So since you won’t be able to hear these songs while you’re shopping for your frozen turkey, you’ll just have to check them out here.

I present to you….

Christmas Music For People Who Hate Christmas Music

I did a video for that last one that you can watch below.

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Just be quiet, racist people…

Daryl DavisI just realized it’s been awhile since I posted a blog here.  Not for lack of writing.  I spend 3-4 hours per day writing.  Been working on new stand-up material and songs for my 4th comedy special.  I’m about 15,000 words into the first draft of a novel.  And I’m working on some sample pieces to submit to a particular publication.

And none of that seems to fit into a blog format.  Sorry about that.

But let’s get something going, shall we?  A nice light topic.  Let’s talk racism.  (I mean “light” in the weight sense, not the skin pigment sense.  Calm down already.)

Discussions on race are always White People vs. _____ now.  There hasn’t been a discussion of English vs. Belgians in quite awhile.  Even Italians and Irish get along these days.

I think we can all agree that we’re getting tired of discussing race.  But those darn racists keep bringing it up.  If they’d quit doing and saying stupid things we could talk about more important things like my album.

If racists would just stay quiet and keep to themselves, then they can hate whatever they want, we’ll never know about it, and they’ll eventually die and we can all go on with our lives.  Like I really hate tomatoes.  But I don’t go around calling them names or beating them up.  I quietly hate tomatoes and the rest of the world doesn’t care. And I don’t need them to care.

It’s really difficult to change someone’s mind.  Especially when you’re yelling at them and waving a sign in their face.  Right Westboro Baptist Church?  So protests and what all don’t work.

What will work?  Education.  But not in a “Write a 500 word essay about why not to hate black people” kind of way.

I read an article awhile back about a black musician, Daryl Davis, who made it his mission to sit and talk with white racists.  That guy got through to people.  And he had the collection of white hooded robes as trophies for the racists he became friends with.

So maybe we need some sort of Big Brother-Little Racist program.  But putting people in touch with other real people makes a ton of difference.

I’ve been to a lot of these towns that don’t have anything but white people in them.  I mean, besides the one Asian family that owns the Chinese restaurant.  They’re always there. But when other people are unknown, they’re scary.  So we need to make them not scary.  And that takes face time.

If we just keep educating people the future will arrive, everyone will be a light mocha color, and people will be able to marry their sex robots.  Just roll with it.

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Playmobil Puts Shackled Slave On Pirate Ship Because History

Playmobil Pirate Ship SlaveHave you seen this Playmobil pirate ship thing?  Usually when a mother cries insensitivity about some toy her kid is playing with my first thought is “Calm down. You haven’t been damaged and neither has your kid.”

And I’m not even mad about this one because I know Playmobil didn’t mean it to *exactly* look like it looks.  But it’s damn funny how many committees it probably got through before reaching the toy store shelves.

So Playmobil puts out a really cool pirate ship toy.  Included in the toy is one character who’s a little darker than the others.  And he comes with a neck shackle.

Read that again… The toy comes with a neck shackle.  Now, regardless of the company’s intent, no toy should come with a neck shackle unless it’s the Playmobil Ponyboy Playset or the Duplo My First S&M set.

Playmobil’s explanation is that the character is a former slave who is now a crewman on the pirate ship.  Let’s see…

  1. If he’s now a freed slave, wouldn’t have someone taken the shackle off his neck? Or does he continue to wear it as an ironic “taking it back” kind of statement?
  2. Do our Playmobil toys really need that in depth of a back story?  Is the Captain of the ship avenging the death of his gay lover? (Hello Black Sails fans!)

Playmobil would have had to include a fairly thick book with the toy explaining why this character has a neck shackle.  The toy is for ages 4-10.  And every four year old has a detailed knowledge of the early 1800’s slave trade and it’s effect on piracy.  So no worries there.

What else is Playmobil hiding?

Maybe we should start looking into their other toys.  Does the Playmobil Tactical Unit Helicopter come with a handcuffed Cuban drug kingpin character?  Maybe the Playmobil Falcon Knights Troop comes with a small collection of subjugated Muslims.

Bonus! I just saw that the pirate ship toy comes with working cannons that shoot tiny cannon balls.  Because 4 year olds never put things in their mouths.

Here’s my advice… If your child has a Playmobil pirate ship, buy them something new and put the ship on Ebay. The price is about to go through the roof when these get pulled off the shelves.

PS…. We talk about the right way to use pirate characters to educate children on this episode of Under The Crossbones.

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World Series of Comedy Pics

Phil Johnson at World Series of Comedy

I just got back from the 2015 World Series of Comedy in Las Vegas.  I didn’t do nearly as well as last year, but from what I’m told my round was one of the toughest of the week.  And I didn’t come in last.  So it could definitely be worse.

The whole week is always a blast.  I saw 128 comedy sets.  That’s why I’m not doing any shows this week.  Or seeing any shows.  Or even thinking of anything funny.  So much comedy.

The WSOC’s official photographer Tina Compise was in the house snapping pics.  Here’s a couple she got of my set.

Click the thumbnail to see the full size pictures.

I also got some new headshots done.  A bit different from my normal look.  I’m going to make a run at the college circuit over the next year and they like thing they can understand at first glance.  So I tried to look a little more like a normal human being.

Check these out and let me know which you like best.

These haven’t been Photoshopped at all yet, so the color is off in that last set.  But we’ll see what the college bookers have to say about them.

Which do you like?

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Found This at The World Series of Comedy this week…



Coming to you from deep in the heart of Las Vegas at the annual World Series of Comedy.  When I showed up yesterday I noticed the posters for the event around the casino featuring different comedians from years past.

And then I saw this one…

Phil Johnson at World Series of Comedy

Joe Lowers, the creator of the festival said he put me on there because I’ve been to all six festivals so far.  Plus I look really stupid in the picture.

If you’re in the Vegas area this week, I definitely suggest visiting the fest.  It’s super fun.  I’ll be on Thursday the 24th 9pm for my first show.

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