World Series of Comedy Pics

Phil Johnson at World Series of Comedy

I just got back from the 2015 World Series of Comedy in Las Vegas.  I didn’t do nearly as well as last year, but from what I’m told my round was one of the toughest of the week.  And I didn’t come in last.  So it could definitely be worse.

The whole week is always a blast.  I saw 128 comedy sets.  That’s why I’m not doing any shows this week.  Or seeing any shows.  Or even thinking of anything funny.  So much comedy.

The WSOC’s official photographer Tina Compise was in the house snapping pics.  Here’s a couple she got of my set.

Click the thumbnail to see the full size pictures.

I also got some new headshots done.  A bit different from my normal look.  I’m going to make a run at the college circuit over the next year and they like thing they can understand at first glance.  So I tried to look a little more like a normal human being.

Check these out and let me know which you like best.

These haven’t been Photoshopped at all yet, so the color is off in that last set.  But we’ll see what the college bookers have to say about them.

Which do you like?

Download the Phil Johnson and
Roadside Attraction VIP Collection of our best
music, comedy, videos, and more free!

Found This at The World Series of Comedy this week…



Coming to you from deep in the heart of Las Vegas at the annual World Series of Comedy.  When I showed up yesterday I noticed the posters for the event around the casino featuring different comedians from years past.

And then I saw this one…

Phil Johnson at World Series of Comedy

Joe Lowers, the creator of the festival said he put me on there because I’ve been to all six festivals so far.  Plus I look really stupid in the picture.

If you’re in the Vegas area this week, I definitely suggest visiting the fest.  It’s super fun.  I’ll be on Thursday the 24th 9pm for my first show.

Download the Phil Johnson and
Roadside Attraction VIP Collection of our best
music, comedy, videos, and more free!

Will This Feature Be On The iPhone 6S?

iPhone 6S taser face

This dude just hit the wrong button….

So the iPhone 6S is supposed to be out on September 25th.  As usual I won’t be buying one.  I’m nothing if not consistent.

But I do wonder if the feature in this clip will be built into instead of an optional accessory.  And if it is, be prepared for screaming butt dials.

And yes, it is a real product I’m talking about in the video below.  And a real dumb product.

We don’t need an iPhone taser.  But definitely let me know when we have iPhone laser guns.  Those will be useful for making the line at the bank move a little quicker.

This video is from my latest comedy special “Pretty From The Back”. You can see the rest of it here.

Download the Phil Johnson and
Roadside Attraction VIP Collection of our best
music, comedy, videos, and more free!

7 Scholarly Science Articles Re-Titled For The Internet

scienceInternet journalism is becoming more and more like baby food.  Easy to digest and chock full of 14 vitamins and inaccuracies.

It’s only a matter of time before serious scientific research is forced to do the same.  So I’m helping them get ahead of the curve.


These 7 original headlines are courtesy of Science. I have Buzzfeedified and Crackified them for modern human consumption.


Genomic evidence for the Pleistocene and recent population history of Native Americans” jeans-380280_1280
22 Crazy Genes That Could Make the Difference Between Owning a Casino and Living in Siberia!
“Observation of many-body localization of interacting fermions in a quasirandom optical lattice” Rihanna13 Dangerous Disorders You Might Pick Up In One Dimension… You’ll Never Guess What Rihanna Has To Say About It!
(Rihanna has nothing to say about it.)
“Localization-delocalization transition in the dynamics of dipolar-coupled nuclear spins” SweetPeaMissExoticWorld2006

11 Bodies That Get Naked And Dizzy When They’re Off Their Dipolar Meds

“Atom-interferometry constraints on dark energy” Star_wars_Characters

18 Ways Dark Energy Rocks Your Universe… Use the Fifth Force, Luke!

“Exclusion of leptophilic dark matter models using XENON100 electronic recoil data” Mileena_cosplayer_Amazing_Arizona

9 Ways Dark Matter Gets Freaky With Leptons Even When ‘Ol Lept’y Says “Hell No!

“A general consumer-resource population model” Darlingtonia_californica_ne8

14 Ways Your Food Is Eating You!

“Salicylic acid modulates colonization of the root microbiome by specific bacterial taxa” Björk_performing_at_Cirque_en_Chantier_1_edit

5 Acid-Tripping Mutant Plants That’ll Give You A Real Gut Check

Download the Phil Johnson and
Roadside Attraction VIP Collection of our best
music, comedy, videos, and more free!

Taking the “Sub” out of Suburban

Not my house.  But mine would look something like this if it had owners with some free time.

Not my house. But mine would look something like this if it had owners with some free time.

A long while back, we bought a house in the lovely suburb of Milpitas, CA. Now first of all, since we all need something new to be offended by, let’s try the word “suburb”. The prefix “sub” means less than. Which is calling my town somehow imperfect or below an urb. We have the same ethnic food and crazy people. Just fewer of them. And we can park.

I don’t want to be called “suburban”. Let’s go with with “Applebees-American”.

I was pleased to see that Milpitas got its first crazy person recently. He hangs out at an intersection that has 3 gas stations and an abandoned bank. Urban, son.

He’s a black guy who dances like Michael Jackson, yells bible quotes into an unplugged microphone, and wears a plastic pro wrestling championship belt. Doesn’t ask for money. He just does it for the love of the game. Urban crazy people are just in it for the money. Our guy keeps it real.

My favorite part is that nothing phases old Asian ladies. There will be an old Asian lady standing on the island waiting for the light to change with her stolen shopping cart as if nothing is happening. Like there’s not a former pro wrestler yelling bible quotes next to her. She just stands there like she’s in line at the bank. And next to her is “Thou shalt not covet they neighbors oxen! Eee Hee!”

The light turns green and she just toddles off sloooooowly across the street.

Nothing phases old Asian ladies. Years ago I was doing a small part in a movie in a scene at a goth club. And I’m totally goth’d out for the part. White face makeup, teased out hair, leather top hat, clothes with straps and buckles that seem to have no function. Like a depressed mime junkie.

At the end of the day I call my girlfriend and say, “Hey, we’re done shooting.” And she says, “Are you still in your makeup? I need to see this. Come over.” So I show up and knock on the door. Her mom opens it and just goes “Come een, come een.” And that’s it. No “Hey, did a series of seagulls shit on your face?” Or “Should we put a suicide watch on you?”

So how can you say we’re not urban? We have crazy people and we have people that ignore them. Though we do have a light rail train that definitely defines our suburbanism. Our light rail train does not go to the airport. But it does go to the mall. Because the mall is full of people who don’t want to go anywhere else.

And we do have plenty of ethnic food. Milpitas is actually a destination for foodies who like Asian stuff. And the best part is that none of the places are ironically named like in the big cities. We don’t have a Thai restaurant named Thai Me Down. We don’t have an Italian place called Suck My Noodle. We have lots of Pho places. It’s a Vietnamese soup. And we have a place that is completely un-ironically named Pho Kim Long.

When we bought our house we had two distinct things we wanted. I wanted a small yard because landscaping upkeep isn’t my forte. And my girlfriend wanted a walk in closet because she’s a girl. A walk in closet is like a Woman Cave. It’s not like a Man Cave with a huge TV, a pool table, and beer signs on the wall. A woman cave is a place with shelves and racks for her clothes and mirror so she can feel bad about herself in private. Like some horrible meditation sphere.

So we wanted a small yard and a huge closet. We ended up buying a house on a corner lot. Her closet barely qualifies as bigger than a breadbox. And you can land small planes in the front yard.

And I keep telling her I’ll happily store all her stuff in the front yard.

We even have a picket fence. We painted it brown to match the lawn.  We’re just 2.5 children away from being a total cliche.  And I don’t like being a cliche. That’s a good enough reason to not have kids, right?


Download the Phil Johnson and
Roadside Attraction VIP Collection of our best
music, comedy, videos, and more free!