Seriously though… If the Hamburglar broke into my place, I’d probably just ask for an autograph.

I don’t like when companies sell things based on fear.  We have one of those home alarm systems, and I have no idea why.  We live in a nice middle class neighborhood.  It’s not like I’m famous enough to have stalkers (yet… Anyone?  Anyone?)

And if you were stalking me, you’d probably be fairly disappointed when you saw my brown lawn.  “Wow, I really thought he was doing better than this.  We really should buy more of his CDs.”

Guess how many times the alarm has been tripped by an intruder and police rushed to our aid…. That’s right.  The same amount as condoms sold in the Vatican gift shop. Zero. Nada.

Now guess how many times I’ve tripped the alarm, coming home at 2am after a gig and I’m tired and can’t remember the code because there’s enough crap floating around in my brain without needing a secret code to get into my own house…

I can’t remember if it’s my birthday or her birthday, the dog’s birthday, the neighbor’s anniversary, or her sister’s cup size.  And we don’t even have a dog.  And she doesn’t have a sister.

So the cops show up and question me.  And they don’t believe me because I don’t look like a homeowner.  Until I do remind them that I look like the owner of a brown lawn and they say, “Ah, ok then.”

They actually call you first if the alarm is tripped, so you can give them the password to shut it down before the cops are called. The problem is, it’s a different pass code.  If I can’t remember the first one, what are the chances I’m going to remember the seldom used one?

Logic would say to write the pass codes down and keep them taped up next to the alarm box.  Logic also says, that’s mind blowingly stupid to do if someone is breaking in and trying to shut off the alarm.  Then it’s a criminal saying, “Oh wow! I have the same birthday!”

However, considering the history, I need those codes more than any criminal. What are we protecting anyway?  There’s nothing in my house that any criminal would want that couldn’t be replaced.  That’s what homeowner’s insurance is for.  And the stuff that’s important to me?  Well, look.. What criminal is going to go to all that effort just to steal my collection of pirate t-shirts?