115 Cardinals walk into the Vatican. The bartender (you know they have one) say, ‘Hey, we don’t serve Cardinals here.’ And the Cardinals say ‘Why? Are you a Mets fan?’
So the Cardinals are all holed up in the Sistine Chapel ready to vote on a new Pope. They’ve been debating for days and conclave itself is supposed to proceed in silence with no further debate. They just keep voting until a winner appears or someone has to go to the bathroom.
But it can’t possibly take that long to vote. There has to be other stuff happening in there. So here’s my list of 10 things I think the Cardinals are doing in the Conclave…
1. Star Wars marathon… Really, how long are you ever in one place with enough time to watch all six movies? It’s the perfect opportunity. The silence may be broken when Cardinal accidentally yells, “Hell yeah!” the first time Boba Fett appears on screen.
2. A huge gathering of dudes? Strippers…. Male ones…. Young ones… (Come on. You were expecting it. That’s why I got it over with early.)
3. Drawing mustaches on Michaelangelo’s paintings. Not permanent marker, of course. They’ll have to be washed off before the tourists come back in.
4. PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
5. A game in which they toss beer bottle caps into each others Cardinal hat. The winner gets to pick the new Pope.
6. Repeatedly ordering pizza and then turning the delivery guy away at the door, saying “Of course we didn’t order pizza! Nobody’s allowed in here!” Then grabbing the pizza out of the guy’s hand and slamming the door.
7. Asking Cardinal Timothy Dolan if there’s some religious loophole in New York that lets him get sodas over 16 oz.
8. Practicing for a Cardinal flash mob that will take place next week in Piazza San Marco that will have all of them line dancing while singing along with Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop”, wearing fashionably torn cassocks.
9. Trading war stories of all the crappy priest open mics they had to do before they got their big break
10. Special appearance by Deadmau5. (bmm ss bmm ss bmm ss…)