This is not a post about Miley Cyrus.

Dammit, Miley! Stop licking things! You're going to give that trophy a disease.

Dammit, Miley! Stop licking things! You’re going to give that trophy a disease.

I originally sat down to write a post about Miley Cyrus and how she’s more of a clown than anything Ringling Brothers can offer.  Or maybe how there’s so much pitch correction on her album that it sounds like even the studio Pro-Tools rig was going, “Who is stabbing this poor woman in the throat while she’s trying to sing?”  Or possibly how that tongue thing she keeps doing is making Gene Simmons yell “Amateur!” at his TV screen every time he sees it. Or even how she’s reduced music marketing to “Look! I have a boob!”

Which makes me think of this Rodney Carrington song…

But I decided I don’t want to talk about Miley Cyrus.  Except just enough to catch some of the search engine traffic looking for her.  Because I don’t have boobs and have to market myself in more mundane ways.  And I would super creepy doing that tongue thing.

There is something far more important today than anything Miley Cyrus is doing.  November 1st is a sacred holiday in my house.  It’s Discount Halloween Candy Day.  It’s the day I make a pilgrimage to the nearest drug store and spend $0.88 on candy corn. 

Yes, I know, candy corn is universally reviled as a candy.  But I tend to be contrarian on a lot of things anyway.  Besides, it’s sugar, corn syrup, and honey.  How is that not awesome?  There’s no potentially healthy nuts or coconut to get in the way.  And there’s no nougat.  Now THAT’S the mystery meat of candy.  Nougat.  It doesn’t even sound good.  It sounds like the sound your cat makes right before it hucks up a hairball.  Say it… Nougat.

Icky, right?

Don’t judge me. You probably eat Peeps, weirdo.

Candy corn on the other hand is made from natural ingredients… Honey… Sugar… Egg Whites.. Genetically Modified Corn Syrup… Soy Protein… Look!  Protein!  Despite the fact that it still says “0g Protein” in the nutritional information, I’m going to say this one’s ok on my high protein diet. 

Because November 1st ushers in the Season of Self Delusion.  Where we begin to tell ourselves that pumpkin pie doesn’t have calories and we actually have love for all mankind and Jesus was white and got stuck with one present for both Christmas and his birthday.

It’s also the day when all my Entertainment Book coupons expire.  So I have to leave now for a trip to Wetzel’s Pretzels for lunch. 

… Phil out….

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