Yes, you too can print a creepy little child in life-like Children of the Corn detail.

3D printing is coming, my friends.  And I’m ready for it.  Now you may have heard about the guys that are already printing guns with these things (that don’t work super great yet, but it’s early). And I think that’s super weird.

Throughout the history of the world, the first use of every new media has been for porn.  From nudie cave drawings, where Ugg was, I’m sure, overstating the size of his wife Thurp’s breasts to brag to his cave pals with, all the way to the digitization of hoo-ha’s and wee-wee’s on the internet.

But with this new 3D printing, the first thing we get is a gun?  Not a Real Doll?  Not a high tech “personal massager” for the lady too embarrassed to even order online?  Come on, a blow up party sheep?  How about some “Weird Science” “anything more than a handful and you’re risking a sprained tongue..” action?

I saw a 3D printer at work a couple years ago at a museum in Chicago.  Now there are consumer level models like the Cubify Cube 3D Printer out and the price is coming down quick.

So with the imminent “Agh! I need that!” feeling about to come on any day now, here’s the top 10 things I’d love to 3D print.

1. Pizza –  Pretty sure we’re not even close to this one yet.  But to be able to print up a reliably good pizza?  The stoner market would be cornered.  How do you think that little insta-oven in the Jetsons worked?

2. Paperback Books – Just to be ironic.

3. Toilet Paper – Look, 3D printing is slow right now. But when you run out, this is still more convenient than waddling to the store with your pants around your ankles.  Not that I’ve ever done that.  No, seriously.

4. Self-Respect – I’m thinking of starting a business selling it to young Hollywood starlets.

5. More 3D Printers – Instant business!  Until everyone else figures that out too.

6. Branded snow globes from every town in the USA – Then I’ll have no more reason to travel.

7. Tiny sample bites of new food products – For that Costco experience in your own home!

8. A fire hydrant that shoots Nutella – For an upcoming show I’m pitching to Nickelodeon.  And for when I get the munchies.

9. A real estate agent that doesn’t feel the need to plaster their face on every bus stop – Because really, who gives a crap what they look like?

10. An iphone case that makes it look like an android – Not the phone.  A human scale robot.  Give Siri some boobs, am I right? This guy knows what I’m talking about…