You Mean ‘Jolly Green’ Isn’t The Guy That Sells Vegetables?

Sure, I'd love to meet your Aunt Mary. Wait... What?

I’ve talked in my show about the fact that I don’t smoke weed.  But, due to my appearance, I look like I’m a lot more savvy than I actually am.  That has led to some awkward conversations…

Him: So where are you from?

Me: The San Francisco Bay Area

Him: Oh yeah?  I’m moving there soon.  How’s the medicine situation there?

Me: Um, ok I guess.  We have a couple Kaisers plus the county hospitals.

That was a situation where air quotes would have been very useful to me.  In my defense, I had been talking to this guy about his go-kart business.  And we were at the Disney Expo.  So my brain wasn’t “there”.

It’s not like I was expecting Goofy to roll up and go “Hey kids, anyone want to try a Goof Butt?”  (Yes, I had to look up that term.)

One night in a club a guy whispered and asked if I wanted some broccoli.  I thought, “Man, these vegetarians are getting really pushy.”  Fortunately, I don’t like broccoli either, so my answer of “Eww, icky!” was still appropriate.

Just to illustrate what I’m dealing with, and the importance of weed to those who indulge… There are roughly 137 slang words for “money“, 130 for “vagina“, and 530 for “marijuana“.  That total is probably due to it’s long history of potheads thinking the cops won’t know what they’re talking about if they use another word for it.

“Dude!  They’re on to us!  Ok, look.. Call it ‘Green Goddess’.  They’ll never figure that one out!”

Phil Johnson

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