Be Yourself… Unless You’re An Idiot My new standup comedy and music DVD! Well, it took me the whole darn summer to accomplish this project, but it’s finally done! 45 minutes of new comedy and music that took me two years to write and refine. Plus it includes extra bonus comedy and music clips, a…
Prairie Voles are cute little monogamous creatures found in central North America. Everyone in the little vole village is happily mated up and they go about their daily business of foraging for food and fending off predators (ie. coyotes, snakes, and anyone listed on MegansLaw.com). But there’s one vole… let’s call him Valentino… who just…
Yep, today, July 30th is apparently National Cheesecake Day. I had no idea. I love cheesecake! However, CBS News decided to be a buzz kill by telling you how much you’d have to exercise to work off a slice of 500 calorie cheesecake. Things like 52 minutes of elliptical training. Or as one commenter suggested,…
The other day I mentioned to someone that I live near a jail. And they said, “Oh! Don’t you worry about criminals escaping?” Nope, not really. It’s a minimum security jail. They break out to have lunch at Taco Bell, then go back. From what I know, it’s mostly blue collar criminal types in there. …
Because no woman wants her reward in Paradise to be 72 virgins. That’s not paradise. That’s a sex-ed class. Nothing says Paradise like an army of premature ejaculators nervously fiddling with their 20-sided dice. They could be finished before she even arrives. Here’s what the men think they’re getting: And the ladies?… Other Blogs On…
I just got back from the dentist and, as a comic, I’m always looking for material during every experience. And during my time in the chair, I realized that I probably can’t outdo Bill Cosby when it comes to dentist jokes. If you’ve never seen it, check out the clip below from “Bill Cosby: Himself”. …
No, I’m not talking about that kind of “weed”. Let’s just say I don’t have the prettiest lawn on my block. Between a busy schedule that keeps me away from my mower and an amazing talent for turning plants brown, I’m sure my neighbors sometimes wish I’d move. I think the world would be a…
Nope, it’s not a new medical drama on TV. I visited Venice Beach, CA last weekend and, within a three block stretch, walked by three “doctor’s” offices offering evaluations for a medical marijuana prescription. Are we really to believe that Dr. Kush (yes, really) is a reputable physician from a top notch school? Or, is…
Now, I understand that potheads are often delusional. But the people that made this list must have really been toking some of the good stuff. My girlfriend gets really bad migraines. Her friend sent her this page from a medical marijuana site that lists all the things that pot has been used as a treatment…
I saw a sad sign of our economy the other day. A sex store going out of business. You know life is difficult when you can’t sell enough blow up party sheep and “back massagers” to feed your kids. Apparently when the economy is down, people forgo sex toys and porn DVDs and go back…
My girlfriend works at a Catholic college. I went to visit her one day for lunch and discovered that college kids are the same everywhere. I walked past two guys and one was saying “Dude! There’s a kegger tonight at Steve’s!” Ah, yes… Good Catholic boys. I’m sure they’d planned a rousing game of Blood…
Man, file this under “things that will never happen to me.” And gladly. Water animals and I don’t get along. Let alone a 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea experience. Check out this wild video of an octopus stealing a guy’s video camera. Apparently the octopus had left the house that day with no makeup on…
Everyone knows someone on Facebook. And everyone knows someone who’s not on Facebook. And now there’s peer pressure to be on Facebook. And what does a mother tell her child how to deal with it? “If all of your friends exposed every mundane detail about their personal life to the world, would you do it…
There’s a sushi place near me that recently put up a banner that says “Sushi and Cajun Seafood Now Available!” To me that says, “You can have it raw or blackened! It’s that happy middle of ‘cooked correctly’ we haven’t mastered yet!” And based on their reviews on Yelp I wouldn’t trust the raw or…
At this point, shouldn’t all condoms have an expiration date of 12/21/12? And just think how many guys on 12/20/12 will be using the line, “Baby, you know the world is ending tomorrow, right? Let’s not wait…” Phil Johnson http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com Other Blogs On This Subject
During my shows I’ll often ask some lady in the audience how she was proposed to by her husband. Quite a few times I’ve heard, “Well, the pregnancy test came back positive…” And from a lot of stories it does seem that guys are lacking in the romance department. As in “We were at a…
I have a bunch of friends that work in libraries and we were talking about some of the new children’s books coming out for kids of gay parents. Harvey Fierstein wrote “The Sissy Duckling”. And there’s another out called “One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads”. A nice sentiment, but if Dad is blue,…
Just when you thought that truck nuts were the stupidest thing to spend money on, the ladies take the cake. Or the pie, as the case may be. Vajazzling is a new trend in which women pay someone to stick Swarovski crystals to their bikini area, often in the shape of a moon or star…
We, as a people, take great joy in being punished and punishing others. Guys are obvious about it. They’ll walk into a boxing ring or a football game with the intention of beating each other up. In extreme situations men simply blow each other up. Women, however, are more cunning and devious when punishing other…
I think wedding gifts are an outdated idea. It used to be that young kids were getting married and you gave them gifts because they had no household stuff. But most people wait longer to marry now. They’ve been living on their own for years and they’ve got all the stuff they need. She supplies…
…Look for the normal, well adjusted people. They’re not the comedian.
(It’s creative writing time today…) This is the story of Captain Unibrow. He may have but one magnificent, bushy brow, but at least he doesn’t waste money on women with strings at the mall. On a daily basis he wages war on needless beauty products for men and women around the world. With his sidekicks…
The Winter Olympics are on, which means nothing is getting done in my house. It means long hours spent sitting on the couch watching other people be athletic. Conversely, I do jumping jacks while watching televised poker. One of the commentators made a great point the other night. Winter Olympians engage in far more dangerous…
Today we’re interviewing a man by the name of Hershel Benkowitz who recently created the world’s largest latke for last year’s Hanukkah celebration. Q: Mr. Benkowitz, what was your motivation for preparing the world’s largest latke? B: Well, my mother said I’d never amount to anything and I wanted to show her I could do…
