Winter Olympics Competitors Are Insane

The Winter Olympics are on, which means nothing is getting done in my house.  It means long hours spent sitting on the couch watching other people be athletic.  Conversely, I do jumping jacks while watching televised poker.

One of the commentators made a great point the other night.  Winter Olympians engage in far more dangerous events than their summer brethren. Between downhill skiing, snow boarding, ski jump, luge, curling… Ok, maybe not curling.  Though I hear one of the Germans is nursing a pulled sweeping muscle.

Summer Olympian: So what do you do in your event?

Winter Olympian: I strap some twigs to my feet, hurtle down a snow-covered ramp at 60 miles per hour, fly off the end of it for about 300 feet, then try to land without ruining my chances of walking, talking, or having children.  What do you do?

Summer Olympian: I run…. really fast.

So, here’s my top 10 events that would make the Summer Olympics just as dangerous and exciting as the Winter.

10. The Javelin Catch
9. The 100 Meter Dash Through Compton With A KKK Hood On
8. Fencing – Stolen Goods
7. 400 Meter Swamp Swimming
6. Sumo Wrestler Lifting
5. Russian Roulette
4. Celebrity Apprentice Triathlon – Product Placement, Useless Activites – 1st one to go bankrupt wins
3. Alligator Wrestling
2. High Jump sponsored by High Times Magazine
1. Dumpster Diving

By the way, I was just looking at a list of Olympic events on Wikipedia.  In 1900 Croquet was actually an Olympic event.  At least they haven’t included poker yet.

Phil Johnson

PS.. The songs I write are usually way funnier than the stuff I throw up on my blog.  Get 8 free ones at

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