I get out to Las Vegas usually a couple times a year to perform. And still my favorite Las Vegas casino name is the Ellis Island Casino. It’s the perfect name for a casino because both casinos and the original Ellis Island gave the same message. “The promise of financial freedom followed by years of…
Have you ever considered the plight of the poor microphone? That poor little device that has to deal people screaming at it constantly and beer (and lord knows what else) breath? It’s a tough job for the little guy. So as I was tracking the vocals for my next single, I thought it might be…
Colony Collapse Disorder is a thing that beekeepers have to deal with when a bunch of their bees skip town. Kind of like when you call in sick on a work day and then go to the beach. Except for you go back to work. The bees move to Minnesota and live under and assumed…
One evening I was watching a movie with my girlfriend and, in the film, the guy was serenading the girl. A tender little love song with an acoustic guitar. And my girlfriend turned to me and said, “How come you never serenade me?” My first thought was to give her my price for a booking. …
I overheard a lady in a restaurant recently tell her friends, “I like to dip my fries in my milkshake! I’m so crazy!” Mm, yeah. Lithium time for her. Look, when you start dipping the severed limbs of your victims in your milkshake, then we can talk crazy. I think everyone likes to fancy themselves…
When I first started writing comedy music, there was one thing I swore I wasn’t going to do. Parodies. Why? Because so many of them are so terrible. As one friend put it, “Replace ‘heart’ with ‘fart’ and there’s your parody.” Not exactly high brow stuff, right? Besides, nobody does parody better than Weird Al…
I was talking with a young child about life the other day. I do things like that. Legit though. Not in a creepy Michael Jackson way. And the kid asked me “What is dying like?” I told him, “It’s terrible. The worst feeling you can imagine. There’s a big white light shining in your face…
3D printing is coming, my friends. And I’m ready for it. Now you may have heard about the guys that are already printing guns with these things (that don’t work super great yet, but it’s early). And I think that’s super weird. Throughout the history of the world, the first use of every new media…
I was reading Money magazine yesterday (who’s financially literate? I am!) and there’s an ad for a new testosterone drug called Axiron. I would love to be the guy that gets paid to make up drug names. Drubitan. Manilol. Hmm… Maybe that second one sounds like a cure for Barry Manilow fans. Axiron sounds like…
Recently, I picked the winners of the “If I Were A Girl” trivia contest and part of the 3rd place winner Sheila Baker’s prize, along with my “Stuff People Like” CD, is an autographed eye liner pencil. Which I promptly realized would be quite difficult to sign. So this is a quick little video of…
By now you’ve probably discovered that I make a pretty ugly woman based on the video of my new song, “If I Were A Girl”. It’s below if you haven’t seen it yet. A lot of people have asked if I’ll be making a habit of wearing makeup. The answer is an emphatic “No.” I’m…
Beyonce, eat your heart out… Oh, boy… I’ve been working on this one for quite awhile. It was written a year ago and today it’s officially available for download! “If I Were A Girl” started off as an idea for a parody song based on Beyonce’s “If I Were A Boy”, which I find to…
I always find interesting the things that people decorate their cars with. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they decorate their vehicle. A little Fender sticker means their a guitar player. A Mickey Mouse antenna ball is a sign of a Disney fan. A Monster energy drink sticker lets you…
I was never good at having regular jobs. Mostly for the same reasons I wouldn’t have been good in the military. I have long hair, flat feet, and I don’t take orders well. Though most interviewers don’t ask about your feet problems. That might be a little too much at a first interview. Unless you’re…
I think it’s finally happened. The far left and far right have finally come full circle and met in a supernova of idiocy on the farthest side from logic. This morning I woke to the first story in my Flipboard feed (I gotta remember not to look at the news in the morning) about Tim…
It’s that time of year when grocery stores start putting out BBQ supplies and 4th of July decorations and all the department stores start blowing out bikinis to make room for winter coats! Easter! Yep, it’s the day we celebrate the Romans brutally murdering a dude who seemed to be a nice enough guy and…
If there’s a vote for most awesome technology since the internet and the cell phone, I vote for Netflix streaming. I haven’t turned on a hotel TV in the last two years while I’m on the road. Plenty of good stuff in queue without resorting to reality TV. 🙂 Recently, I ran across a show…
I don’t like when companies sell things based on fear. We have one of those home alarm systems, and I have no idea why. We live in a nice middle class neighborhood. It’s not like I’m famous enough to have stalkers (yet… Anyone? Anyone?) And if you were stalking me, you’d probably be fairly disappointed…
115 Cardinals walk into the Vatican. The bartender (you know they have one) say, ‘Hey, we don’t serve Cardinals here.’ And the Cardinals say ‘Why? Are you a Mets fan?’ So the Cardinals are all holed up in the Sistine Chapel ready to vote on a new Pope. They’ve been debating for days and conclave…
In finishing the recording for my upcoming single, “If I Were A Girl”, I needed a giant gang vocal for part of the chorus. So for the last few weeks at my shows, I’ve been recording the whole audience yelling “Boobs!” to be layered together in the final recording. I’d like to present to you…
If you haven’t read the first part of this story, check it out here. Long story short, about a month ago I started having chest pains right before a gig. Brilliantly, I decided to go on stage anyway and find out what it was after. I get to the ER at Sonora Regional Hospital and…
Yep, I’m out corrupting old ladies again… Though she didn’t need much help. You should have heard her “But we take our teeth out” comment during Dan Wilson’s set. This is Nann after my show at the Vintage Lounge in Turlock, CA. Just got a new shipment of “Be Yourself… Unless You’re An Idiot” t-shirts…
I’ve never understood why women wear high heels. Oh I know the reasons they say they wear high heels. We get it. Heels make your butt and boobs stick out more. That’s a fantastic reason to bind your feet like some sort of corporate geisha and turn your spine into a silly straw. Let me…
So, the Pope is pussing out. I’m advocating that we just change the term to “Popeing Out”. “Oh what… You scared now? You gonna pope out, wimp?” I’ll give him this though… Apparently Pope Benny is cleaning out his desk because he’s not a great manager. Somewhere there’s a guy working in a 7-11 talking…
