Yes… Use Axiron and you can shoot a manly colored rainbow from your armpits.

I was reading Money magazine yesterday (who’s financially literate? I am!) and there’s an ad for a new testosterone drug called Axiron.  I would love to be the guy that gets paid to make up drug names.  Drubitan.  Manilol.  Hmm… Maybe that second one sounds like a cure for Barry Manilow fans.

Axiron sounds like a cure for too much Axe Body Spray use.  But apparently it’s used to increase male testosterone levels.  And you apply it like deodorant under your arm pits.  And yes, it says, “Apply Axiron only under your arm pits,” because some genius will think he’s found the secret to penis enlargement and/or male pattern baldness.

According to the ad, it must not soak into your skin very well because it goes into great detail about not letting your pits come into contact with anyone else.  “Women and children should avoid contact with the unwashed or unclothed area (that’d be the pits, y’all) where Axiron has been applied.” What?  No more playing with Daddy’s armpits?  It’s UnAmerican!

And Ladies… If axillism is your thing (Ooh! There’s the name!), you’ll need to hold off until he showers.

It says to contact a doctor is your children exhibit any signs of accidental exposure.  Like enlarged penis or clitoris or increased erections.  Ie. You’re not doing your son any favors by rubbing this on him at the age of 4.  Yes, you, Super Genius.

Under the “Who should not use Axiron” section is says you should not use it if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or are breast feeding.  I know you’re disappointed ladies, but no testosterone for you.  And if you’re a male who’s pregnant or breast feeding, well… I suspect you’re too busy appearing on talk shows to worry about your testosterone levels.

Side effects of drugs are always fun.  This one can cause a lower sperm count, swollen ankles, and enlarged or painful breasts.  What? Extra testosterone can turn you into a woman? Somehow I don’t think any dude wants higher testosterone so he can grow painful man boobs and be less virile?  Seems like a glitch in the formula, no?

Other adverse events include: skin redness, headache, diarrhea, and vomiting. But guess what?  YOU’RE A MAN NOW! SUCK IT UP!

Other side effects include more erections than normal or erections that last a long time. Notice that these are not listed on “adverse” effects.  Only “other side effects”.

Axiron is flammable until dry.  So once you’ve stopped vomiting and shifted your man boobs to the side to apply this stuff, don’t go light up your very manly cigar just yet.  There’s a good possibility you’ll set your armpits on fire.  Which honestly sounds like a YouTube challenge on par with the Cinnamon Challenge. (Yeah, that’s the kind of stuff that gets 5 million views.  YouTube is totally enhancing humanity.  Really.)

And finally, it notes that Axiron is a controlled substance “because it contains testosterone that can be a target for people who abuse prescription medicines.”  Rehabs are filled to brim with people that can’t get enough of that testosterone high. You can’t go to a party without someone asking , “Yo, you want to get your T on?”

Although, if they said, “Try this. It’ll put hair on your chest,” well… Yeah, I suppose so.

And since I always try to be a little helpful (my girlfriend may disagree…), there are plenty of things you can do naturally to raise testosterone levels without growing boobs, crapping uncontrollably, and accidentally setting yourself on fire.  Check this out for some good sound tips.