I’m in the midst of reading Cannabiz, a book about the new legitimate marijuana industry and the battle for legalization. Now make no mistake, I’m in favor of full legalization of weed, mostly because I believe in Darwinism. People dumbing themselves down makes for less competition for the rest of us. And since they’re going…
So, I’m driving down a two-lane highway, going the speed limit-ish because I’ve got two out of state tickets on my record and my insurance is through the roof. I’m in the left lane because I’m going faster than all the semi’s in the right lane. Rolling up behind me is a dude in a…
There’s been a movement in the diet industry lately about “eat like our ancestors did.” The Paleo Diet is one, but I’ve seen it mentioned in other diet plans too. Umm… Those old cave men lived to about the age of 25. I’d have been dead before I got out of college. Which is kind…
I was reading the other day about the Athabasca oil sands in Alberta, Canada. Yup, Canada has oil. Oil that, shock and surprise, we’d like to have. And while they’re mining the oil and there’s a whole industry around it, I don’t think it’s really shown up on the radar of the average American yet….
Well, it’s Easter time again. According to this Yahoo article today the Last Supper actually took place a day earlier than previously thought. Wednesday instead of Thursday. All this confusion could have been avoided if Jesus had just left his Day Planner behind in the grave he rose from. The difference in opinion seems to…
We all dream for years of owning our own little homestead. And when you get it, it’s exhilarating. Then begins the eternal quest to keep the damn thing from falling apart. Remember when you made a fort out of couch cushions when you were a kid? Those were more stable than many houses. Those old…
Over the years I’ve licensed some of my songs for use in movies. And people always ask me which movies? To which I answer, “Terrible ones.” I’ve been a part of films that would make Norbert look like Citizen Kane. Films that make a YouTube cat video look like a Scorcese film. Films that would…
I’ve been thinking about immigrants and the way they assimilate into American society. It used to be that groups would come here, live in abhorrent conditions and work their way up. I’m thinking of the Italians and Irish living in Four Points, African Americans in Brooklyn, Asians in a variety of Chinatowns and gold mining…
I’m very excited because you’re sharing in two “firsts” with me today. This is my first music video! All my other videos have been live performance things, but this one has a storyline and everything. 🙂 Second, this is the first time I’ve ever written a song, hoping people will hate it… You know those…
Apparently Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez are an item these days. Don’t look at me that way. My girlfriend told me about it. By the way she’s 18, he’s 16. Way to get yourself an older woman, JB. And now Selena Gomez is getting death threats. Here’s a little selection I picked up from TMZ….
In my shows I’ve talked about how in the next 300-400 years, human beings will be completely hairless. And we certainly are hastening that process along. Shaving, waxing, et al. Especially for men. Just 30 years ago, body hair on a man was a desirable feature. Tom Selleck’s whole career was based on the fur…
I drove past a Rite Aid this morning and they had a sign out for $24.99 flu shots. I have no idea if that’s a good price for a flu shot or not. But the pricing scheme of $X.99 is a trick to reel in bargain hunters. Much like the “9/10” added to gas prices….
The Idiot’s Guide and Dummies books have been a useful resource for years now. I’ve read quite a few myself. However, there are some odd ones out there that have caught my eye. 1. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the World of Harry Potter The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the World of Narnia – Why…
The other day I saw a sex shop that went out of business. You know life is difficult when you can’t sell enough blow up party sheep and “back massagers” to feed your kids. Apparently when the economy is down people forgo sex toys and porn DVDs and go back to buying cucumbers and spying…
Actually ” The Anorexic Mannequins” sounds like a cool band name, now that I think about it. Anyway, I was at the mall the other day and one of the store mannequins in the window was wearing a pair of jeans so tight that they had to leave the top button undone. How is that…
Long ago when I was working in grocery stores doing resets, the holiday season made me want to tear my ears off with a rusty box opener rather than listen to another horrible version of some cheeseball Christmas song over the stores PA system. You haven’t understood pain and misery until you’ve heard the instrumental…
My blog post on truck nuts has been one of my most popular. So much so that it’s turned into one of the signature bits in my stage show too. So today, a very condensed version (for the attention deficit YouTube generation) of “Truck Nuts” from my DVD “Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot”. Click that…
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” Nope, it’s your fat ass laying on the couch in a Superman Snuggie. “Able to eat a whole bag of Funyons in a single chow!” This is the kind of product that just irritates me, much like truck nuts. How can you even imagine yourself lazing about watching Maury…
This article in the San Jose Mercury caught my eye yesterday. It seems that at some kids soccer games you’re not allowed to cheer anymore. That’s right Dad and Mom, sit in silence while your kid runs his little ass up and down the field. The goal is mostly to stop parents from yelling inappropriate…
I was reading an interview with someone once (totally can’t remember who) and he said one of this goals in life was to never have to wear a neck tie. Amen brother. I’ve kept to that myself over the years. When I was kid, I had a couple of those clip-on jobbies. And I had…
The ancient Egyptians and other societies used to bury their dead with their possessions so they’d be fully equipped for the afterlife. We have to be thankful that we don’t do that anymore. I don’t want to show up in the afterlife with a Dell running Windows 95 and a flip phone. Otherwise there would…
I heard the word “whore” on TV the other night. And I thought it was odd that you can say that, but not other offensive words. I suppose the word wasn’t originally offensive though. It was just like “hooker”. But it has since become politically incorrect, at least. Not that I’m totally against the word. …
…and I don’t mean Napoleon Dynamite. Though the same could probably be said about him. Despite the fact that Napoleon Bonaparte was an asshole in every way, he did manage to create an iconic look for himself. And more people remember that look than remember the things he did. Branding, my friends… I speak of…
A mattress store in my town is running a promotion. “We’ll beat our competitor’s price or your mattress is free!” I would love to meet the moronic salesman who would give you a free mattress because he couldn’t beat the price of the guy across the street. In fact, I’m in the market for a…
