I was reading recently about a mentally challenged child.  He’s only two year old but already exhibiting aggressiveness issues of control and greed.

And I really feel sorry for the kid because he’s going to grow up to be a politician.

I’ve been reading candidate statements for the upcoming primary elections and I’m always astounded at the delusions of new candidates.

“I’m going to change everything!  I’m going to end the war!  I’m going to create jobs!  I’m going to fix the medical system!”

And I have to say, “You’re running for the Board of Supervisors.  Cool your jets.”

The statements from experienced politicians are like reading the diary of an abused puppy, cowering in a corner.  Oh they sound all optimistic.  They may talk about a couple things they accomplished.  But the underlying theme is “Man, this is way harder than I thought it was going to be and I really can’t do much of anything.  By the way, can you donate some money for my next election?”

What the newbies don’t seem to realize is that they’ll be one of thousands of decision makers in the government.  Getting a consensus is like trying to get 1000 people in a room to all agree on where to have lunch.  Except the government has to decide where the country is going to eat for lunch.

Now I’m not the smartest dude in the world.  So if I can figure that out, the people running for office and spouting off about how much they’ll accomplish in 2-4 years must have more cable TV channels than IQ points.

A Duke University study says that 49% of presidents had some sort of mental illness.  To be fair, the modern definition of “mental illness” is way broader than it needs to be.  Thanks drug companies.  But for the sake of reality among politicians, I think we can round that 49% up to 99%.

I don’t know about you, but that little sample ballot with the candidate statements is my most used resource for voting.  I have to ignore all the advertising that’s the equivalent of angry monkeys slinging poo at each other.  Editorial writing in the press is just as slanted.  What the candidates say about themselves is damning enough that other side really doesn’t need to do anything.

DIRK ALLEN KONOPIK of Rancho Cucamonga, CA, running for Senate
“Christian, Veteran, American.  NRA, VFW, American Legion.  Will stand boldly for Christ.”

See?  I don’t need any more than that.  That guy is old and set in his ways and will refuse to listen to anyone else’s opinion ever.  That certainly sounds like forward movement, doesn’t it?  And I do like how he states “American”, as if the other candidates are Swedish or something.

MARSHA FEINLAND of Berkeley, CA, running for Senate
“The 99% want housing, health care, education, and environmental protection.  The 1% give us war, prisons, and discrimination.  They control the wealth that we have worked to produce.  Let’s decide democratically what we need and make the rich and their corporations pay.”

Well, I’m sure her campaign coffers runneth over.  I know she thinks driving a Prius makes her better than everyone else, but how exactly does she think she’s going to accomplish all that?  And if you have to use buzz words like “the 99%” to make your case, just stop.  Or just go all the way: “OMG! I can haz political office!  ROFL!”

And if I’m normal at all, then that’s all that most people know about these candidates.  If you sound like an idiot, I’m certainly not going to dig deep on your website to get your positions, am I?  So my attention immediately goes to the longer candidate statements that might have actual ideas in them.

Usually, they don’t, but hey, gotta start somewhere.  I’m just saying, spend a little extra dough on the things people will look at if you want to get your point across.  But then again “Bible Nut With A Gun” and “Angry Hippie Who Actually Reads All Those MoveOn.org Emails” pretty much sums it up, eh?  Why waste the dough?

Do I have a solution for all this?  Of course not.  If I actually was delusional enough to think I did have the solutions, I’d run for office.

You can help.  Please donate to the Children’s Defense Fund so they can help disabled children live like normal people before they decide to run for office.