Especially towards the end of the year, money can be tight. Gotta buy gifts for all those ingrates, right?
So here’s some of my best money-saving tips to help shore up your finances.
1. Replace that expensive home alarm system with a loud audio recording of Samuel L. Jackson yelling, “I WILL KILL A MUTHAFUCKA!”
2. To save on gas on a long trip, find a semi-truck going the same direction as you and latch your car to the back of it. The only downside is that it may take a little longer to reach your destination due to frequent stops for meth and rest stop BJs.
3. Instead of going to a pricy restaurant with a prix fixe menu of 10 courses, get overly dressed up and go to a cheap diner. Insist that each dish (sides too!) be brought on individual plates and at spaced intervals. This is easily accomplished by ordering everything “on the side”. Also ask that the cook (and call him chef!) come to your table and show you the box your mashed potatoes came from. Make a show of sniffing the box and proclaiming it “a fine vintage”.
4. There’s not much you can do to save on health insurance premiums. But you do want to get your money’s worth. Find out what the most expensive illnesses and injuries are that they’ll cover and try one out each month. For a little bonus money, sustain those injuries during work hours so you can collect workman’s comp too! And remember, botched plastic surgery isn’t covered!
5. Hotels can be very expensive. And even the price of hostels have gone up. So to save even more money you can visit the new style of accommodations called “hostiles”, in which violent alcoholics actually pay you to stay in their house for a night. Bonus tip: Bring head gear and a flak jacket!
6. For about half the price of a college education you can have the same experience and outcome in just one weekend. On Friday afternoon, order your diploma from a “reputable” online university that doesn’t have any attendance or testing requirements. Then spend the weekend getting blackout drunk, watching porn, and attempting to play rugby/cricket/water polo/beer pong (depending on your fantasy college of choice). By Monday your diploma will arrive in the mail and you’ll remember just as much about college as if you really went!
7. Property taxes can be one of the biggest expenses of the year for a home owner. To reduce your costs, have Hollywood effects artists paint a giant scrim that makes it look like your house has disappeared. The set up a pup tent and camp stove on your front lawn. When the appraiser comes to appraise your house, tell him the aliens took your house and that’s all you’re left with. Lower property taxes and Hollywood magic that you can use year after year!
8. Reducing your electricity costs is easy when you build a couple amateur solar panels, unplug appliances when not in use, use low wattage light bulbs, and/or run a bundle of extension cords to your neighbor’s back yard power outlet.
9. Save those old gift cards that you’ve used all the value on already. When the nice stripper asks you to pay for your lap dance, make it rain plastic showers of “$20” Chili’s gift cards. She’ll briefly love you for helping her feed her kids and you get a free lap dance! Bonus tip: Don’t ever visit the same strip club twice!
Roll up all those extra pennies you’ll save from these tips and buy your friends a “Be Yourself… Unless You’re An Idiot” DVD or T-shirt for the holidays. It’s the one gift they can’t return. Because they won’t know where you got it.