Your Black Friday Plan

1910 Black Friday Suffragettes

In 1910, Black Friday took place in the UK when 200 suffragettes were assaulted while protesting for the right to vote. Oh... You meant the shopping thing. Right.

Don’t…. Just don’t.  That’s pretty much it.  I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a contrarian.  If everyone is doing one thing, I’ll generally run in the other direction.  Not all hipster-like “Dude, that band was better when they weren’t popular,” but more “Hey Grown Man with an Angry Birds shirt on, it’s just a game.”

Not that I don’t like tradition. A lot of holiday traditions are great: Christmas trees, caroling, excessive weight gain.  But I have trouble with traditions that only came about because some corporation figured out they could make more money from it.  Like the myriad of holidays that only exist in the minds of Hallmark, diamond engagement rings (thanks for that one DeBeers), and Black Friday.

Let’s start with the message of Black Friday (Why it gotta be called ‘Black’, racist?)  You’re either buying stuff for gifts or stuff for yourself.  If you’re buying gifts for others, what you’re really saying is “I’m going to leave Thanksgiving dinner early, wait in line in the freezing cold, and stay up to an ungodly hour, sacrificing both sleep and nourishment… just to spend less money on your gift.  They do say it’s the thought that counts.

And if you’re buying for yourself?  Kinda missing the point of holiday shopping, no?  I think there should be a new Thanksgiving tradition in which every person looks at their bank accounts and then watches at least 6 episodes of “Hoarders”.  That ought to slow ’em down a little.

And now the super fun part is that companies putting on these shopping orgies have figured out they don’t even have to give you a discount!  They only need to make it LOOK like a discount.  Taking advantage of America’s #31 ranking in mathematics, Best Buy is offering an Apple iPod Touch 32GB for $295, which is $20 MORE than it was just a few days ago.  Many businesses are marking items down by as little as $2.  Now you’ll be able to buy that pack of gum you’ve been saving up for.

If you really want to start your holiday season with a reckless, orgiastic experience, get a deal on bulk condoms and safe words and invite the neighbors over.  You’ll have way more fun, spend less money, and probably work off some of that turkey and stuffing.  And you’re less likely to be trampled.  Unless that you’re thing of course.

That’s why I don’t offer a Black Friday deal on my merchandise.  If you’re interested in buying a bunch of my CDs or DVDs or “Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot” T-shirts for gifts, just email me and I’ll cut you a good discount on them.  And that’s not a holiday deal because I’ll do that at anytime during the year.  See how that works?  Reasonable deals all the time.

And with that, I’d like to introduce my new Christmas song.  It pretty much sums up the holiday season in one word.  If you’d like to download the song for keeps (for any price you choose, including zero) just visit

And here’s the video for the song!

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