Hotel rooms can be expensive. Luckily I’m usually staying at a hotel on the comedy club’s dime. But sometimes I have to pay for my own. Here are 7 ways you can recoup the cost of your hotel room.
1. For hotels that don’t already offer it, leave two bottles of water with a sign that says $1 before you check out. If the hotel already offers water for sale, change the sign and add your own markup to it. Still figuring out how to collect this one.
2. For hotels that offer a free breakfast until 9:30 or 10am, go down and collect as many bagels and danishes as you can. Then at 10:05am, stand next to the elevator and catch the people that overslept. Price according to the look of desperation in their eyes.
3. Invest a little money in a case of beer and a box of ear plugs. Give the beer to a room full of 20-somethings who bought a double room and snuck in 4 of their friends. Then, when their party gets loud, go door to door on the rest of the floor selling the ear plugs at a healthy markup.
4. Those waffle makers in the lobby can be tricky sometimes. If you’re good at it, post yourself next to the waffle maker with a sign that says, “Perfect waffles every time. $4”. Offer a guarantee that if the waffle isn’t perfect, it’s only $2.
5. Whether it’s a business trip or vacation, you’re probably not going to be in your hotel room the entire time. When you arrive in town take note of any panhandlers doing a brisk business. Offer to sublet your room to them for the day for whatever money they have in their pockets. You make some money and they get a few hours in a nice hotel room and whatever they steal from your luggage.
6. When you check in to your room take note of the prices for the softcore adult films on TV. Then talk to other hotel patrons and offer to let them watch you shower for half that price.
7. Carry a small bottle of red food coloring with you and demand a refund on your room when you find blood on the bed sheets.
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