Top 10 Top 10 Lists That Don’t Exist, But Should

Top 10 Lists That Don't ExistWell, here we are at the end of 2014.  This will be my last missive of the year.  I’m not even sure what a missive is, but it sounds like it should be included in that sentence.

After my last gig this Sunday for a private party, I’ll be taking a couple weeks off to spend time with my girlfriend and family and eat far too much.  Because what better way to cap off the year than by ruining your diet?

If you haven’t heard them yet, check out the 3 Xmas songs I’ve released over the past couple years.  Didn’t get to a new one this year because I was busy prepping for my new special that will be released in January called “Pretty From the Back, Funny From the Front”

And now, let’s have some more fun… This is the time of year when everyone and their brother puts out some kind of top 10 list.  Top albums, movies, scientific breakthroughs, tennis photos, toys, cars, and more.

I’ve put together the Top 10 List of Top 10 Lists That Don’t Exist But I’d Like To See.
(I know… me and overly long titles, right?)

1. Top 10 Traffic Jams of 2014 – Nope, not great songs by the band Traffic.  They broke up in 1974.  Forbes put out a list of the worst cities for gridlock back in March.  (Los Angeles took the top spot.  No shocker there…) But I want to know individual traffic jams.  Which idiots really knocked it out of the park holding people up on the road.  I’d like to submit the lady in San Jose that stood on an overpass, threatening to jump, for 9 hours a couple weeks ago.  Took me 3 hours to drive 20 miles home.

2. Top 10 Star Wars Characters That Nobody Likes – Ok granted, this one is prime material for Cracked.  And in fact, they do have the Top 5 Worst Star Wars Characters.  But honestly, just 5?  And no Ewoks?  That’s just lazy.

3. Top 10 People Named Jeb – ‘Ol Jeb Bush seems like he’s finally going to make good on that threat to run for president.  And I just have a feeling that maybe there are some other Jeb’s out there doing significant things too.  Maybe not.  But maybe.  But maybe not.

4. Top 10 People Set To Take Over The Kardashian Throne – This whole Kardashian thing started in 2003 when Kim’s sex tape was released.  We’re closing in on 12 years (!) of paying attention to a family of attention whores who really don’t do anything.  There are children that have grown up and gone through some very formative years with the Kardashians existing in our collective consciousness.  And I’m willing to bet that there are other aspiring talentless attention whores out there waiting in the wings to take down the queens.  I want to know who they are so I can start avoiding them now.

5. Top 10 Least Played Tracks on Spotify – Sure we get lots of most played lists with your Taylor Swifts and Beyonces and such.  But what about the little guy?  The artist so bad at promoting their music that they’ve got a fat zero on Spotify?  While we don’t have a list, there are ton more than 10 tracks with no play.  4 million in fact.  Holy crap.  And you can listen to a selection of them at Forgotify.  Maybe go give a listen and help those poor slobs get off this list.

6. Top 10 Movies That North Korea Should Have Forced To Cancel Releases – I was honestly interested in seeing The Interview.  But now I’ll have to find a stolen torrent somewhere.  What this hacking group didn’t realize is that this will make The Interview one of the most controversial and talked about movies for decades.  It’ll be the “Smile” of movies.  And probably equally disappointing.  But I think the North Koreans could have put their energy into shutting down films that needed it a lot more this year.  I would have been happy to let them have “I, Frankenstein” or that Kirk Cameron Christmas movie.

7. Top 10 Places To Visit With The Best Baklava – Because really.. If you don’t like baklava, you’re a heathen.  And I travel a lot.  So I really need to know where the best baklava is.

8. Top 10 Country Songs That Are Out To Destroy Hip Hop Music – With all the rapping, big production, and product placements, country music seems to be on a mission incorporate every bit of modern hip hop it can.  If Jason Aldean does the Anaconda album cover, we can all be sure the world will implode.

9. Top 10 Game Apps That Suck The Remaining Part Of Your Life Down A Hole – They’ll have birds, jewels, candy, and force you into spending more time on the toilet than you do sleeping.

10. Top 10 People That Claim To Be Something-Ninja And Actually Suck – Whether it’s the Social Media Ninja with 14 followers or the UX-Ninja who’s personal site looks like and Angelfire site form 1998, there are loads of people out there claiming ninja status.  Those people need to remember that the #1 thing real ninjas never do is…. tell people they’re a ninja.

That’s all kids… I’m heading off for one more gig and then a garbage truck full of unhealthy food that I will immediately regret on January 1st.  Happy holidays!

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