Things I’ve Noticed In My Travels About Pedestrians and Adult Novelties

In my time traveling as a performer, I’ve been to about 19 states outside my home in California.  And I’ve noticed two prominent things.

I have a rule in life… Don’t walk in front of something that weighs 11 times my own weight.  Like a car.  I think it’s a good rule and it’s kept me alive so far.  I’ve noticed that people in states outside of California also have this rule.  And it’s kept them alive too.  People inside California think that the magic traffic fairies will stop a moving vehicle coming at them if they just blindly walk in front of it.  There is no slower drive in the world that trying to get through a Costco parking lot with every yahoo trucking their cart full of two-packs to their car.

Yes, understand that the law says a pedestrian has the right of way.  However evolution favors those who don’t throw themselves in front of moving vehicles.  I know which side I’m on.

Something else I’ve noticed, which is utterly unrelated, is that other states, even the “conservative” ones, are much freer with the advertising for their adult novelty stores.  Here in California they’re hidden in the back of strip mall in a sketchy part of town.  In other states they’re right off the freeway like a gas station or grocery store.  “Gas, Lodging, and Dildos – next 3 exits”.  And they’re HUGE!  These aren’t tiny little boutiques.  They’re expansive places, about the size of a large auto parts store… and probably with more horsepower.  (whorespower?)

Not only that, but they have huge billboards on the freeway.  I’ve never seen a billboard for Good Vibrations here in CA and they’re probably the most mainstream place.  The best one I’ve seen was in Wisconsin for an Adult Novelty Store and Bakery.  Seriously.  It said “Toys, DVDs, Bondage, Cupcakes” .  I don’t even know what to say to that.  It’s either a brilliant business plan or a health department disaster.

“Hey Honey, Can you pick up JR’s birthday cake?  Oh, and get yourself a little something while you’re there too.”

Make of it what you will….

Phil Johnson

PS… Did you get your 8 free songs yet?  It’s as obvious as not walking in front of a moving vehicle…

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