The Zen of Passive Aggressive Contrarianism

So, I’m driving down a two-lane highway, going the speed limit-ish because I’ve got two out of state tickets on my record and my insurance is through the roof.  I’m in the left lane because I’m going faster than all the semi’s in the right lane.

Rolling up behind me is a dude in a BMW or Mercedes… because it’s ALWAYS a Beamer or a Mercedes.  And he flashes his lights at me.

What he’s saying by flashing his lights is “I have an expensive car and I like to go fast and can’t be bothered to turn my wheel slightly to the right to go around you because you are but a plebeian while I drive a fancy car that I probably can’t really afford and I’m really just leasing, and you, little Toyota, should move out of my way as if I were a Japanese emperor proceeding to my temple.”

Or more succinctly, “Flash, flash… I am an asshole.”

Don’t get me wrong.  If someone is behind me and wants to go faster, I’ll move over if there’s room.  But when I get the light flash?  I will miss my exit if it means I can stay in front that jackass for another few miles.

I’ve never been good at taking orders, particularly when I don’t see the point of them.  It’s why I’d have been terrible in the military.  No drill sergeant ever said, “Would you mind dropping and giving me 20?  It will be good for your health and morale.”

My girlfriend says I have a problem with authority.  Which worries her because she’d really like to be the authority in our house.

It’s not authority though.  I’m a natural contrarian and I don’t respond well to orders.  I can be a passive aggressive contrarian too.  Stealthy and annoying all at the same time.  It’s a time saver.  It’s very Zen to do nothing in the face of an idiot hollering orders.

So now I shall drive to a comedy club to play some music tonight.  And woe to the jerkoff that flashes his lights behind me.  We’ll both be late.

Phil Johnson

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