I was never good at having regular jobs.  Mostly for the same reasons I wouldn’t have been good in the military.  I have long hair, flat feet, and I don’t take orders well.  Though most interviewers don’t ask about your feet problems.  That might be a little too much at a first interview.  Unless you’re interviewing to be a podiatrist.  Or foot fetish film star.  Or athletic shoe tryer-outer.  Anyway, I’ve never done two of those.

Always hated taking orders I didn’t agree with though.  Oh, I’m happy to pitch in as part of the team when the higher ups know what they’re doing.  But… the higher ups never know what they’re doing.

My response to “But you have to stay late! There are still customers waiting!” was “I guess you should have hired more people so your customers didn’t have wait so long then!”  As I walked out the door.

Can you believe I was never fired? Oh, people who didn’t have the power to would say they’d have me fired.  But it never happened.  Because I was right.

“This meeting is mandatory!”

“Not for me, sorry.”

Never fired.  I still can’t believe it.

Only once did I ever get a job from an interview.  My first job was clerking in the music school where I was taking lessons.  So the owner already knew me well.  Then I got a job painting a department store.

I guess it was kind of an interview.  My friend Denny, who worked in the jewelry department of the store, introduced me to the warehouse manager.

“Do you paint?”

“Yes.”

“Good show up tomorrow at 6am.”

Does that count as an interview?  I stayed there for two years.

Before those first jobs I had interview for a few things and not gotten them.  I interviewed a new Target store that opened in my area and didn’t get the gig. I was ok with that until I found out the nut jobs they did hire.  I know, because I played in bands with those nut jobs a few years later.  Somehow the guy that stayed up every night drinking and getting tattoos was a better potential employee than yours truly.

McDonald’s didn’t even call me back when I submitted the application.  How bad is that?  I was unfit to say “You want fries with that?”

Though now that I think about…. Yes, I am completely unfit to say “You want fries with that?”

Years ago, before my girlfriend understood that the things I do constitute “job”, she requested (euphamism!!) that I go get a regular job. So I found a listing that had something to do with grocery stores and sounded better than it actually was.

It sounded something like “retail display design”.  In actuality it was just moving crap around on the shelves at 5am.

I went to the interview with the express goal on NOT getting the job…

“Have you ever worked in grocery stores before?”

“I haven’t even set foot in a grocery to shop in at least 5 years.”

“Can you start on Monday?”

Crap.

Apparently some jobs will take anyone that breathes.  I couldn’t stay there long because it was stupid.  I did a bit about why it was stupid on my first DVD.  Check out the player below to hear it:

The Real Answers To Job Interview Questions

The romantic dance of the job interview is kind of dumb anyway.  Strike that… Super dumb in the most profound existential way possible.  Both parties would be better served by seeing who has the better collection of puppy videos from youtube.

The answer to every question in an interview should be “Because I need to work somewhere and I can do the job better than those other asshats sitting out there.”

And their response should be “That kind of honest is exactly what we need around here!” Instead it’s usually, “Thanks, we’ll call you… Not!”  Because those interviewers love to use jokes from the mid to late 80’s.

Here are some interview questions you might encounter:

– Why do you want this job?
Apparently you’re supposed to say it’s because you like the challenges their company presents and you can use your strengths and made-up resume skills to enhance their company’s reputation.

Besides the All-Purpose Answer (we’ll call it the APE for short – Shut up, I know it doesn’t fit.  I’m a rule breaker.  Deal with it.)… the answer one should give is “Because otherwise my creditors will come and take my house, my car, and my children (I hear they’re popular on the secondary market) and then my wife won’t have sex with me anymore, which will force me to engage in prostitution.  And it will be your fault, you villain.”

– What are passionate about?
You’re supposed to say something about your life that reflects well on you.  Helping others and making a difference are good buzz words.

Instead, try yelling “BEER AND TITTIES!  GIT ‘ER DONE!  WOOHOOO!  And working at my local homeless shelter.”

– Describe a difficult work situation / project and how you overcame it.
They mean actual stuff that has to do with your job.  Tech breakthroughs, staffing concerns, etc.

But you really should tell them about the real stuff that ate you up inside at your last job.  “Bob kept stealing my fucking M&Ms, so I beat his ass in the lunchroom and keyed his car with ‘You melted in my hands, bitch!”

– What is your greatest strength?
This answer is supposed to be all about how you get things done ahead of schedule and under budget.

I think the best answer here (outside of the APE) is “My greatest strength is not giving a shit.”  Or perhaps, “I can hook a tea kettle into the butt crack on my jeans and fill your tea cup just as politely as you please.”

Here’s a good one..

– How do you evaluate success?
Again, you’re supposed to hand them a line about seeing the whole team improve, making life better for everyone around you, and making sure the horse stalls are clean.  That last one is pretty job specific. May not be for everyone.

Instead, try this handy answer… “Success to me is making it out of this godforsaken place on Friday afternoon without the cops following me home because I beat in your stupid face with your own evaluations binder.”

I’m sure by now you can see what I don’t have a real job.  When stupid ideas happen and plans go awry and FDA starts investigating that breakfast cereal I had produced in China (Leadeeos), then I only have myself to blame.  Take a nap.  Try again.

And here’s a little ditty I wrote about why your co-workers and mine suck it hard.