The Pope Pusses Out

So, the Pope is pussing out.  I’m advocating that we just change the term to “Popeing Out”.

“Oh what… You scared now?  You gonna pope out, wimp?”

I’ll give him this though… Apparently Pope Benny is cleaning out his desk because he’s not a great manager.  Somewhere there’s a guy working in a 7-11 talking to his manager, going, “Hey Steve, the Pope’s quitting because he’s a shitty manager.  Give you any ideas?”

I guess people really are promoted to their level of incompetence.

Pope Benedict is the first pope to resign in 600 years.  I’m talking back in the time with Gregorian chants ruled the charts, Fashion Week featured nothing but brown on the runways, and Twinkies hadn’t even been invented yet.  Yes, barbaric times indeed.

That previous quitter pope was Pope Gregory XII, during the Great Schism of the 14th century.  Essentially, that was when people started to call themselves Pope whether it was official or not.  Besides Gregory, who was officially chosen by the Church, there was John XXIII and Benedict XIII (geez, can’t these guys find some new names?  Pope Cody I… just do it.)

I imagine the conversation went something like…

Gregory: I’m the rightful Pope.

John: Nope, sorry, I’m Pope.  Cuz I said so.

Benedict: Fuck you both.  I’m Pope now bitches!

Benedict XIII was a bit of a loose cannon.  He was excommunicated and claimed the Papacy until he died.  Sounds like he needed to get laid really bad.

The current Pope Benedict XXVIIXMIVII!@#MCIXX can’t figure out what to do about priests touching little boys.  So he’s out.  Personally I think Christopher Titus has the best idea on what to do with Father McFeely and his pals.

The other problem is that most people now would rather play Angry Birds than go to church.  And if they are, they’re going to the new Evangelical joints (a whole other kind of crazy). Those churches, as the New York Times says, are “drawing in new faithful with services that offer upbeat music and an emphasis on self-improvement.”

Cuz you really need a religion that has a good beat and you can dance to it.  And it comes with a Chicken Soup for the Soul book.

A lot of people would like to see them get a new Pope from the developing world.  You know, those places we used to call “3rd World Countries”?  Latin America and Africa are the big new places for Catholicism.  You know, because they don’t get a lot of news from the outside world in those places.

I have to say I’m kind of intrigued by the idea of Cardinal Dolan of New York becoming Pope.  First off, we’d be able to understand what the guy is saying for once.  And I think every Pope should know where to get a good Hoagie.  And just think of the pizza competitions between Rome and New York!

Ok, I’m hungry now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *