The Magic Bullet

Last year, my girlfriend came home and told me she’d bought a Magic Bullet.

Now any guy that knows anything about the habits of women knows that a Magic Bullet is a vib-a-ra-tor.

So, I give her a knowing look and say “And what are you going to use that for?”

She’s says “Making smoothies…”

I’m like “Yeeaaahh… Making smoothies… Nice.”

And she says, “And probably chopping herbs.”

I’m confused now… So I’m like “Riiiiight… Working in the garden…”

Then I start thinking maybe it’s like some new fangled mortar and pestle idea.

So I finally find out that it’s like a personal blender.  So people can make Margaritas even if they have no friends.

I’m looking through the book that comes with it.  And it says it slices carrots, it dices onions, it minces mushrooms, it chops tomatoes, it grates cheese…  Let me tell you… The thing has one setting… Demolish.  And if you use a certain technique, you can get Mangle, but that’s all.

Anything you put into it comes out baby food.  Fit for young children and possibly very small birds.  Well, part of it comes out that way.  The rest of it comes out as whole as you put it in.

So we get the thing out of the box and my girlfriend runs out to do an errand.  I get to thinking I’m going to make myself a little smoothie.  Throw in some frozen berries, a little milk.  And, oh, some Hanson’s soda.

Then I put the air tight lid on it to mix it.  And, completely forgetting all my physics classes, start the mixer.

Within, oh, .3 seconds, the Magic Bullet has become a real frickin’ bullet headed right for the ceiling.  Apparently the concepts of air tight container, carbonated beverage, and a spinning blade combine to rival the destruction at Hiroshima.

You’ve never had fun until you’ve tried cleaning berry stains off the ceiling.  This is why I don’t have kids.  I can manage to pull this stuff myself.

Phil Johnson

Upcoming Tour Dates:
7/16 – Inn Of The Mountain Gods – Mescalero, NM
7/17 – Fort Bliss – El Paso, TX
7/20 – Blue Macaw – San Francisco, CA
7/22 – The Purple Onion, San Francisco, CA
7/25 – Mission City, Santa Clara, CA

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