The Joys Of Home Ownership

California - $890,000, Needs a littl TLC.

We all dream for years of owning our own little homestead.  And when you get it, it’s exhilarating.  Then begins the eternal quest to keep the damn thing from falling apart.

Remember when you made a fort out of couch cushions when you were a kid?  Those were more stable than many houses.  Those old forts sometimes lasted days without any damage being done.  Houses can go from beautiful home one minute to falling down like a drunk woman in high heels the next.

When my girlfriend and I were house shopping (six years ago, right at the tippy top of the real estate bubble) there were two things in particular we wanted: a walk in closet (for her) and a very small lawn (for me).  Instead we got regular size closets and a lawn the size of Comisky Park.  If it weren’t against city regulations and didn’t cost an arm and a leg, we’d probably just turn the whole lawn into a clothing warehouse for her shoes and purses.

She could store them in there and I would open up shop and secretly sell them while she’s at work. 🙂

I hate mowing the lawn and I’m too cheap to hire a gardener.  And you know what cheap and lazy means, right?  Yep, dirty looks from the neighbors.  Everytime I see my neighbors they ask if they can give me the number of their gardener.  Just because my lawn looks like it just got out of bed and has a giant cowlick?

When it appears the grass could swallow a small dog, that’s when I get out there and get it over with.  And I’ve resorted to keeping the prettiest weeds in the little bed next to the house because nothing else will grow there.

And the chimney is tipping.  Some Medieval castles have stood for thousands of years without falling over.  We can’t keep a single pile of bricks in place.  Lazy bricks, man.

Not to mention the fence needs painting, the back needs raking, the patio needs to be redone, the driveway needs new concrete, the overhang on the porch needs work.  And that’s just the outside.

The inventor that comes up with the maintenance free home, probably made out of carbon fiber and diamonds, will be one rich mofo.

To badly paraphrase and/or add a lyric to “Higher Ground” by Stevie Wonder…. Renteeeeeers… keep on renting!

Phil Johnson

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