The Adventures of Captain Unibrow

(It’s creative writing time today…)

This is the story of Captain Unibrow.  He may have but one magnificent, bushy brow, but at least he doesn’t waste money on women with strings at the mall.  On a daily basis he wages war on needless beauty products for men and women around the world.  With his sidekicks Gay Porno Mustache Boy and Never Shaves Above The Knee Girl, Captain Unibrow patrols the malls, beauty shops, and home shopping networks of our great land saving unwitting consumers from fraudulent and useless beauty products.

His arch nemesis, Estee Olay Aveeno Cetaphil III, head of the worldwide so-called “beauty” conglomerate Barnum Beauty Enterprises, continually foists up the world one useless cream after another promising beauty, self-confidence, and sex.  His slogan, “Of course it will get you laid…”, gives false hope to millions of ugly people.

On this day Captain Unibrow gets word of a new product sampling at a local drug store.  The evil Estee Olay Aveeno Cetaphil III has released a new skin cream that claims to bond your skin cells to those of silicon, making it impervious to sun damage, wrinkles, acne, and scarring, leaving you with a porcelain white baby’s butt for a face.  However due to the enhanced electrical conductivity of silicon, even one small spark of static electricity from a cell phone could melt your face like a pat of butter on the surface of Hell.

As they enter the store, they spot one of Estee Olay Aveeno Cetaphil III’s minions endangering a human life.  They non-chalantly approach so as not to frighten the 40 year old woman in a pantsuit hoping to regain some of the dignity she lost at Lake Havasu in the summer of 1986.

“How much does this miracle cream cost?”, our hero asks.

“It’s only $49.99,” state the enthusiastically devious minion.

“For half an ounce!?”, Captain Unibrow roars.  “That’s $100 per ounce!  More than bottled water, more than viagra, more than gasoline!  Maybe we should be bombing Barnum Beauty Enterprises instead of Middle Eastern oil terrorists!”

But the minion heard none of this.  Instead her gaze was fixated on that wondrous piece of face fluff, the unibrow.  When she realized it was a trap she whipped her head to the left to avert her gaze from the powerful caterpillar only to be met with the most stunning mustache this side of 1977.

She knew she was trapped but couldn’t turn away from it’s beauty and majesty.  Like a sunset over the green hills of a small Belgian town.  A very hairy sunset.

Never Shaves Above The Knee Girl slowly crept up behind her, lifted her skirt to reveal a Sasquatch-like environment, and pounced upon the minion.  For a brief moment the minion remembered a childhood memory of a trip to a rural Chinese fish market in summer, before passing out in the dark thigh muff.

The woman in the pantsuit thanked Captain Unibrow for saving her face and her money.  He handed her a free drink ticket for the meat market bar down the street and “Go get you some girl.”

And once again the day has been saved by Captain Unibrow and his two loyal hirsute companions.  Saving the world from wasted money and melted faces.  As the cheering crowds laud him he proclaims, “Beer is cheaper than skin cream!”

Phil Johnson

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