The 10 Worst Albums of 2012

In 2012, a hipster's head finally explodes when he accidentally listens to Justin Bieber and enjoys it.

Every December all the media talking heads start putting out their lists of the bests and worsts of the last year.  I decided to try something different and look into the future.  Today is December 9th, 2011.  Let’s get to the soothsayin’ and see how right I am a year from now… Probably not very, but here we go…

1. Cannibal Corpse and Lou Reed featuring the Community Orchestra of Overland Park, Kansas – “Music To Do Surgery By”
After his amazing experience of singing karaoke poetry over generic Metallica tracks, Lou Reed decides he needs to go even heavier, but keep it classy with some strings.  The Community Orchestra of Overland Park, Kansas has no idea what they’re getting into.

2. Bruno Mars – “Fuck Y’all, My Name Is Bruno”
After his success writing the songs “Fuck You” for Cee-Lo and “Billionaire” for Travie McCoy, Bruno decides he’s tired of his clean guy image in his own work and releases the hit single from this album “Angry Breakup Sex”.

3. Cat Litter Deodorizer – Self Titled
Hot new indie rock band out of Missoula, Montana releases their debut album that features strummy-strummy guitars mixed with electronic beats and actual samples of kitty litter being walked on by the band members.

4. Bjorn-Dogg – “Swede Up In This Bitch”
Up and coming Swedish rapper releases an album of cover songs and mashups from famous American music stars including Snoop Dogg, TI, Jay-Z, and the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

5. Iron and Wine – “Wha? Huh?”
The follow up to the 2011 album “Kiss Each Other Clean” features 13 minutes of snoring followed by the producer waking up Samuel Beam to record.

6. Bret Michaels – Get Your Rock On
Bret sets a world record by having 9 of the 10 songs on the album feature the word “rock” in the title.  Song number 10 is a heartfelt ballad about recovering from a brain hemorrhage called “How To Save A Career”.

7. Marilyn Manson – “Republican”
Marilyn, realizing that the public is no longer really scared of his shock rock theatrics, ups the ante of horror by appearing on the cover in a 3-piece suit.  Songs include “Health Care Coverage Is For Pussies” and “I Anally Raped The 99%”

8. Paris Hilton – “Did It By Myself”
Paris tries again with an album of songs written by other people, produced by other people, and all the vocals are done by her personal assistant, Kenny.  The tour features dancers carrying Paris from one side of the stage to the other while she sucks on a bottle of Grey Goose.

9. Amy Winhouse – “Some Crap We Dug Up”
Her label will continue to plunder the vaults for new material to release.  This album features a cover of the obscure Roberta Flack b-side titled “Can’t Nobody Love A Man Like My Man” and a 10 minute track of Amy alternately nodding out and vomiting.

10. – “The Word”
Will continues to focus his writing style by making sure that the title of this album includes more words than any of the songs.  In interviews he repeatedly brags about writing all the lyrics for the album on a single post-it note.  The hit single “Duh” rockets to the top of the singles chart.

How about you?  What albums are you looking forward to next year?  Leave a comment below…

Phil Johnson

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