Last weekend I was gigging in the Pacific Northwest and my drive home was from Moses Lake, WA back to Milpitas, CA.  That’s a 16 hour drive, my friends.  I like getting out of the open road and seeing the country.  But it starts to lose its appeal at about hour 12.  It was a nice, uneventful drive though.  Let me tell you the story of a different kind of drive…

This was January 2010.  I was on the road with my good friend Candy Churilla, doing gigs in Idaho and Montana.  The early shows had gone well and we were headed off for our last gig in Glasgow, Montana.  I’ll bet you didn’t know there was a Glasgow, Montana.  It’s so far north that we saw a sign that said “Canada – Turn Left.”

The drive from Billings to Glasgow should have taken us about 4 hours.  That’s a walk in the park when you’re doing road comedy.  But on this day it was snowing.  And I’m driving my little Toyota Corolla.  So we’re moving really slow to keep from sliding off the road.

About an hour into the drive we’re passing through a relatively populated area on their freeway and BOOM! we’re sliding off the road into a snow drift.  Fortunately we didn’t hit anyone as the traffic was still pretty sparse.  But we can’t get the car out of the drift on the side of the road.  So I call AAA to send a tow truck.  No biggie, we’ll be back on the road in no time.

While we’re waiting, a cop car pulls over and the officer asks if we’re ok.  We said we were just fine and waiting for a tow truck.  He very kindly asked if we’d like to wait in his police truck to stay warm until the tow truck comes.  In my head, I’m counting this as the very first time I’ve ever been HELPED by a cop.

So we go get warm in his truck and chatting about the crummy weather.  The cop turns to me and says, “You know I have to give you a ticket, right?”  Me, being a professional comedian with access to a large vocabulary and stock of witty comebacks said, “Huh?  Why?’

He said I was obviously going faster than a safe speed to have slid off the road.  This despite the fact that I was going 20 miles under the speed limit when it happened.  He lost his helping credit in my brain officially bringing the total of helpful cops back to zero.

Not only does he write me a ticket, but now we have to sit there with him for another 30 minutes until the tow truck shows up.  He’s still trying to make small talk to which Candy and I are responding with “Hmm, yeah.”  I wonder if, had we not been alright, and taken away in an ambulance for emergency surgery, if he would have followed behind us to give me a ticket in the recovery room.  I think yes.

Eventually the tow truck shows up.  We wave farewell to Officer Dickhead and we’re back on the road.  No problem.  Plenty of time to get there.

It’s snowing harder now and my tires are sliding a little bit, so I jump out and put the chains on the tires.  Now with chains you can’t go much more than 25 or 30 miles per hour.  I was going that speed anyway so I figured we could at least stick to the road better.

And the snow keeps coming.  We’re really in the middle of nowhere now.  There are no significant towns of any sort between Billings and Glasgow.  Who am I kidding?  Glasgow isn’t even a significant town.

At one point we’re on a two land highway with what I assume are fields on either side of us.  I have to assume because I can’t see more than about 15 feet in front of the car due to the sideways snow.  It was like being in a weird dream sequence from a bad sitcom.  Everything was white.  I couldn’t see more than a few feet on any side of us.  I look at my GPS and it says we have 150 miles to go.  At this point I’m driving about 15 miles per hour.  Hopeless doesn’t even begin to describe it.

You may be thinking at this point, “Are you really that addicted to performing?  Why not just cancel the show?”  Well, the booker, who had been calling us all day to make sure we were ok, told us that was an option.  However, we were approximately half way at this point and totally in the middle of nowhere.  Which meant we’d still have to drive a bunch just to find a place to sleep for the night.  Not to mention we wouldn’t get paid for the gig.  So, on we drove.

We made it out of that nasty bit after an hour or so.  I decided to take the chains off.  One of them was already broken and I didn’t want to further damage them in case we really needed them again.  I had dealt with the chains many times.  Easy to take off.  Just unlatch them, lay them flat, then drive the car off them.

But this time it didn’t work so easily.  One of them got tangled up in the axle.  Crap.  Called AAA again.  They asked where we were and we had absolutely no idea.  We had passed a little town about 15 miles back so we tried to figure it out based on that.  Thank god for GPS and cell phones.  Eventually we got the general idea and 45 minutes later a tow truck showed up.  He was prepared with wire cutters and all kinds of stuff.  However once he jacked up the car the chain untangled easily.  Yeah, I probably could have jacked it up myself and untangled it, but come on.  It was like 15 degrees out.

So we’re off again.  It’s still snowing and now it’s getting dark.  We’re driving into the hinterlands of northern Montana and there’s not a soul around.  Apparently other people aren’t stupid enough to drive in this kind of weather.  Pussies.

About 50 miles from Glasgow we’re on another tiny 2 lane road, it’s dark, and it’s snowing hard.  My headlights are making a lick of difference in seeing the road.  Once again, thank god for GPS.  I was actually following the green line on my GPS to see where the road was going to turn.  Literally driving by instruments like a pilot in a storm.  And going slooooooow.

Finally we saw some lights up ahead and a semblance of civilization.  We rolled into Glasgow at 8:00pm.  A full 12 hours after we started our journey in Billings.  A 12 hour drive on a clear day is tough to do.  This was beyond exhausting.  And show time was in a half hour.  We got set up, Candy downed a beer and hopped on stage while closed my eyes for a few minutes in a back room somewhere.

My opening line was “I’ve traveled to Glasgow, Scotland in less time than it took to get here today.”  And we were off.

The crowd was good.  They laughed long and hard and Candy and I both had really good sets.  Had it been any other way we may have killed someone.

The moral of this story, kids, is when a performer comes to town, for god’s sake buy something from them and make it worth the trip.   You can see my upcoming tour dates here.

Leave me a comment and tell me about your worst drive ever…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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1. American Comedy Vs. Chinese Comedy

Everyone was nice enough to not look too strangely at the long haired kid walking around base. But nobody saluted me, that’s for sure.

The show at the Presidio was great. A stage right on the beach framed by palm trees. Military guys relaxing and military girls in bikinis that could break your heart (and neck). We MC’d the event and did a 30 minute set of our own to close it. Besides a few sound problems, everything was smooth.

Then the fun began.

The Presidio folks were putting us up at the hotel on the Naval Postgraduate school post. And you have to have a military sponsor to stay there. So our contact for the event, Greg, asked one of the girls on his staff to take us over and help us get checked in. It’ll only take a few minutes he tells her. And so our guide, Christina, takes us over to the base hotel.

The guard at the gate asks for the registration and proof on insurance on my and Chris’s cars. And of course we have those things… just not with us. My new insurance slip was sitting on my desk at home. And Chris’s new registration was on his desk in LA. So we couldn’t get the cars on post. Had to park them just outside on the street. No biggie. We could walk on and off base as needed. We planned on going out for the evening.

So then, during the very slow hotel checkin, we go to know Christina a little bit. Very nice girl. 21 year old private who’s not fond of authority. We’re getting along just fine.

Finally we’re checked in to this beautiful 3 bedroom condo. A room each for me and Chris and someone else in the 3rd room we never even met. Once settled, Christina bid us adieu to get back to her studies.

A few minutes later, a phone call. Apparently Chris and I weren’t put on the access list for the base. It needed to be done 2 days before. And our booking contact Greg’s cell phone has died and we can’t get ahold of him. Christina is told that she’s not allowed to leave our side while we’re on the base. At all. Until we leave the next morning.

So this poor girl is all the sudden permanently attached to two guys she just met and can’t leave. It’s the perfect plot for a low budget porn flick, we all realize.

So we sat and chatted in the condo for a bit. Still unable to get Greg on the phone. Chris and I had planned to go do a guest set at Planet, a club there in town. Christina said she could drop us off and pick us up after to get back on the base.

We said that was foolish and she should just come out with us for the evening. Fortunately she didn’t already have other plans that we were ruining. So we all jumped in the military van and headed back to her quarters at the Presidio. She freshened up and grabbed some over night stuff. It appeared she would have to stay at our place due to military regulations.

Then off to the club. They only had room for one guest set, so Chris was generous enough to let me do it. We got some food and bought Christina dinner. Stayed for about half the show before the day’s exhaustion started to hit. So we headed back to the condo. Chris and I both insisted on giving up a bed so she didn’t have to stay on the couch. But she said the couch was already more comfortable than her regular military bed.

And then….. we all went to sleep. Hah! No low budget porn here folks. Chris and I are nice guys.

We took Christina to breakfast the next morning at the Old Monterey Cafe. My and Agnes’s favorite breakfast spot in Monterey. Finally Greg sends Christina a text saying “How’d the drop off go?” We all laugh heartily at his ignorance. She writes back simply, “Great. We’re having breakfast.”

She’s nothing if not playful, that girl.

Afterward, we part. Gave Christina some CDs and stuff for putting up with us all night. She said she was pleased that we weren’t creepy.

Off to Hunter Liggett. In the middle of the desert. 105 degrees. Fortunately the show is inside an air conditioned theater instead of on the baseball field, as was originally planned. We somehow both managed to get on base without the proper auto docs. Good thing. We’d have had to walk about 2 miles from the gate to the base otherwise.

Pretty smooth show. Chris and MC’d and headlined the show. We also ended up doing a fair bit of stage managing and sound as well, but all good.

And even some of our friends from Monterey drove down to see us at HL too. Greg and Christina included. And when we closed our set with “Booty Call” we gave out Christina’s phone number. As if she hadn’t dealt with enough already.

No wacky stories for this one. But they did treat us to some free bowling in their bowling center and I beat Chris by one point.

The wild lives of comedians on the road. Yesiree….

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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