The other kind are the outstanding set pieces.  A bit for all time.  The stuff you can quote to your friends the next day.  When you think back over a whole comedy show and you remember a particular section of it clear as day… That’s what we’re talking about here.

And yeah, there’s no George Carlin, Richard Pryor, or Carrot Top (shock!) here.  Carlin and Pryor are album experiences to me.

1. Eddie Izzard – Death Star Cafeteria (from ‘Circle’)- The first time I heard this bit I was in my car driving through San Francisco.  I nearly had to pull over because I was laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to hit someone.  Granted, I’m a Star Wars nerd, but I think this one has a little something for everyone.

2. Eddie Izzard – Covered In Bees (from ‘Glorious’)- Ok, I admit, I listen to A LOT of Eddie Izzard.  This bit is a little more standard stand-up than his other stuff, but it’s a great example of a mix, which is a technique I use a lot.  And it must resonate with his fans since he’s still selling “Covered In Bees” t-shirts at his gigs years later.

3. Robin Williams – Golf (from ‘Live On Broadway’)- I found it really cool that 30-some years into his career, Robin Williams came up with one of his most finely crafted comedy pieces ever.  And it really is as close to a perfectly written bit as you can get.  There’s different layers to it.  There’s the basic concept of the ridiculousness of golf, but the added Scottish act out on top of it, plus the energy he bring really takes it over the top.  A lesser performer could do a lot of the same premises and not be able to sell it.

4. Christopher Titus – Dad’s Funeral (from ’5th Annual End of the World Tour’)- Titus is dark.  And I don’t mean fake, made up dark for shock value.  He takes the most horrible parts of his life and puts them on stage and makes them pass-out-from-lack-of-air funny.  This bit about his Dad’s funereal requests and what they actually did is one of the absolute best pieces of comedy I’ve ever heard.  I can’t find a video for this bit anywhere, so go over to MOG and listen to it there.

5. Bill Cosby – Dentists (from ‘Himself’)- “Himself” was one of the first comedy specials I saw as a kid.  And while now we have the term “ROFL”, I actually was rolling on the floor laughing watching this bit.  Couldn’t catch my breath.  It was probably THE moment that turned me into a comedy fan.

6. Bob Nelson – Football – If Bill Cosby was THE moment, this bit from Bob Nelson was the second.  Bob always does great characters and “dem helmet and dem should’em pads” and “dain bramage” pops into my head at random intervals.  A sure sign of a memorable bit. And now you can see Bob in Branson in his own theater.

7. Mitch Hedberg – X (from ‘Mitch All Together’)- Mitch had a zillion really awesome bits that are just fun to remember.  This is one that always makes me laugh when I hear it.  It’s a great mix of anthropomorphism and just off-center thinking.

8. Ralphie May – Popeapalooza (from ‘Girth of a Nation’)- Ralphie is one of those guys that can get away with saying just about anything on stage.  And his take on the aggrandizement of the pope’s death is fantastic.  He does it right after a bit about a tsunami killing thousands and then says, “Ok, in this next joke, only one person dies.”  Brilliant.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a video for this one either, but you can listen to it on MOG.

9. Greg Behrendt – Crybaby Spiderman (from ‘Uncool’)- Generally Greg is an album guy for me.  But this bit is a standout (with Chicken Situation in a close 2nd).  He’s got a great storytelling style on here with material that nobody else could really do, because it’s so “him”.  There’s an interested conundrum at the end.  The closing line is a joke that’s kind of obvious.  But it had to go there because that’s what the audience expected at that point.  And they almost beat him to the line.  I think his delivery suffers because of it, but there’s almost nothing you can do when you’re delivering a joke like that.  Part of the laugh is that the audience was on the same wavelength as you.

Warner Brothers are a building full of idiots who don’t know how the internet works.  They disable embedding for this video, but I encourage you clink the link and check it out.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0XqhwI0zcY

10. Patton Oswalt – Sky Cake (from ‘My Weakness Is Strong’)- I often run across things that make me think, “Damn, I wish I wrote that.”  This bit is one of those.  It cuts.  It’s well written.  It has Patton’s signature sideways thinking.  He makes great points.  The first time I heard it, I laughed uncontrollably.  And then felt sad that I didn’t think of it first.

Be sure to leave me a comment below and tell me what your favorite stand-up comedy bits are too!

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Anyway, LWL’s new album is called “Holy Shit” and the cover looks leather bound like a bible.  I think it’s funny.  And as the band says on their tumblr blog, “The content of our artwork for our new recording was created out of our passion for satire and absurdist humor. The lyrical and musical content of this record does not contain any commentary on religion, nor does it use a pejorative or malicious voice against any particular group of people (excluding possibly some of our ex-girlfriends).”

And so James Moore, the Minister of Canadian Heritage got all uppity about the title saying it was an attack on Christians.  Now, I don’t know if Mr. Moore is a Christian himself.  But since he’s a conservative white politician, I’m going to go out on a ledge and say he’s probably not Muslim.  The band was classy enough to give back the $13,000 they’d received to make the album.

The more I travel around the country singing songs and telling jokes, the more I find that skewering Christianity is the one thing that can most get a performer in trouble.  And notice I say Christianity and not religion in general.  There’s a long history of Jewish jokes (enjoyed by Jews) and certainly doing jokes about Muslims goes over just fine with a conservative audience.  But anything more than “Gee, how did Noah get all those animals in the ark?” will get stony stares from a lot of audiences.  Even a more mainstream, liberal audience will get uncomfortable with it.

Because why?  We’re allowed to take the piss out of politicians.  Hell, we’re LEGALLY allowed to do that. Ethnic material in a variety of forms goes down fine, both by performers of that ethnicity and not.  Misogynistic humor is still alive and well with lots of comics calling women “bitches” on a regular basis.

Each audience in each town is a little different.  And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of the humor I talked about above.  Comedy is about exploring the boundaries to find out what we really think about things.  What I disagree with is the Christian right and their followers believing they should be above ridicule in even the slightest sense.  Sure, we’re legally allowed to do it.  That’s freedom of speech.  But the fact they get offended by such things is evidence of the closed-minded, top-down, cult-like status it’s reached in North America.

One of the things I most value in my life and others is self-awareness.  Being able to look at both sides.  Being able to see the flaws in your own beliefs.  Not changing those beliefs necessarily, but just being open minded enough to see other points of view.  And James Moore, obviously is not that type of person.

I wish I had $13,000 to blow.  I’d give LWL their money back.

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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The difference in opinion seems to be because John was using a different calendar from Matthew, Mark, and Luke.  Once again… Day Planners, people.  But then again our calendar is based on some very arbitrary ideas anyway.  The Gregorian calendar we use now is different from what any of them were using.  For all we know Jesus rose from the dead on Super Bowl Sunday.  Then again, maybe not.  Nobody would have been paying attention unless he had a half-time commercial.

—–

By the way, if you’re not religious, but still like to get down with the chocolate bunnies and such, you can celebrate Zombie Jesus Day.

Equally as likely, don’t you think?
Acts 2:24
But God raised him from the dead, freeing him from the agony of death, because it was impossible for death to keep its hold on him

John 6:53
Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you”

A quote from Dr. R.L. Hymers: “Christ told Thomas to put his hand into the hole in His side, made by the soldier’s spear when He was on the Cross.  My point is this: Christ said for the Disciples to look at the holes in His hands, His feet, and His side. Blood would have flowed out of those wounds, if there had been any Blood left in His resurrected “flesh and bone” body. But there was no Blood left in His Body. The Blood had already been resurrected by the power of God.”

So, a bloodless corpse rises from the dead and saunters on up to you and offers up his gaping wounds for a little look-see.  Sounds like Paul saw Zombieland too many times.

—–

I’ve been racking my brain to remember where I saw this particular quote.  Knew I should have looked it up when I saw it.  It was saying that the first mention of “drink my blood, eat my flesh” isn’t at the Last Supper.  It’s actually earlier in the bible when Jesus is preaching to some group, as he was apt to do.

Jesus was getting frustrated because the group was not getting it.  And so he starts pushing their buttons a bit and telling them they need to drink his blood and eat his flesh.  Mostly to get their attention and possibly as some freaky metaphor.  Mostly he was just fucking with them.  Man, some nights on stage I can really identify with that one.

I’ll continue to research this one because finding the text of Jesus hate-fucking a crowd would be classic.  Yes, that’s what comics call it when we beat a crowd up from the stage.

—–

Everyone always wonders where the Easter traditions of bunnies and chocolate and stuff come from.  Chocolate is easy.  ANY reason is a good reason for chocolate.  Hell, if zombies attacked today I know people who would grab a Snickers bar before saving the family albums.

The bunny thing is a little tougher, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog. While the Romans instigated the Jews into knocking ‘ol J-Dog around.  I believe it was the KRC that was behind the Romans.  Crafty little thing.

So, celebrate this Sunday with chocolate, vampire and zombie movies, and stuff yourself full of your favorite flesh and blood (tough one for vegetarian Christians, eh?) and ask yourself WTFWZJD?

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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I had see this guy’s ads for Miracle Water before, but forgot about them until this past Saturday AM as I was enjoying my complimentary continental breakfast in my hotel room.  On my TV appears Peter Popoff – con artist extraordinaire.

Despite being debunked as a faith healer in the 80′s by James Randi, Popoff now markets Miracle Water which is supposed to not only cure your ills, but also erase your debt.  Yep, you read that right.  Apparently this little tube of water makes the collection agencies go away.

Hey, next time a bill collector calls, tell them you don’t have the money right now, but that your vial of miracle water is on it’s way.  I’m sure they’ll be happy to wait for your good luck to arrive.

Now, I will give him this much credit… At least the water is free.  I’m utterly shocked that it’s not $14.95.  But apparently he has enough morals to only scam you out of money after you get your free tube of water.  Or he did market testing and figured out he can make more on the back end by giving it away for free up front.

What happens when you order?  Well, you’ve now entered <cue echo> THE SALES FUNNEL…. </echo>  ‘Ol Petey will spam you religiously with one scam after another to heal all your ills if you just send him a few more dollars.

I would love to think that a blog post like this might change someone’s mind and convince them to not listen to idiots like Peter Poppoff.  Unfortunately I’m pretty sure anyone even considering this yahoo’s claims as facts have the reading comprehension of a marmot and very few computer skills.

I know you must be thinking, “How could anyone actually buy into this?”  It must be working for him though.  It costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to get an infomercial produced and on the air.  Which means he’s making many times that in return.  And yes, it does relieve all of your financial problems… If you’re Peter Popoff.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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It's not my best picture. I just took it with my webcam.

An Open Letter To The World From Satan.

Dear World,

I’ve been watching what’s going on.  I get my Yahoo news just like the rest of you yahoos.  And I’m getting pretty tired of it.

Look, everyone seems to think that I’m the evil one in this game.  But all this war and crap?  Everyone’s fighting for their own god-thing!  You got your Christians fighting for Jesus, the “Prince of Peace” (har har), and God.  For Christ’s sake, you Christians haven’t even figured out your God’s name yet!  You can’t even make one up?  That’s some lazy religion there.  The Greeks and Romans made up names for their bazillion deities.  You can’t even name one.

For the record, his name is Wendell Xavier Dinklebanger III.  He only adds the “III” because he thinks it makes him sound sophisticated.  Oh yes, hallowed be thy name indeed.

You got your Muslim’s fighting for Allah and his profit (oops!) prophet Mohammed.  At least you Muzzies got their names right.  Bonus points if you can figure out Allah’s middle name.  Yep… Katrina!  Good job Louisiana!  You can stop blaming George Bush now.  Al got wasted the night before at a party Wendell was throwing and made a total mess of the place.  Gods can be real dickheads sometimes.

Oh, and the whole thing where you can’t draw a picture of Mohammed?  Yeah, Mo put that in there just because he doesn’t like being in pictures.  Thinks his nose is too big.

Ok, here’s the thing.  You’ve got the Christians fighting the Muslims.  The Jews fighting the Palestinians.  All the “good guys” sending their minions into war like a giant celestial game of Battleship.  I never get to play and I’m sick of it.  I’m going to jack up their little game something fierce.

I was having lunch with Buddha and Confucius the other day and we were talking about this stuff.  Buddha told me to stay out of it.  Actually, he said “Stay the f*#@ out of it.”  He’s got a pretty filthy mouth, that Buddha.

But I’m about to do something about it.  See, I’ve been working on a little project of my own for the last couple decades.  Amsterdam.  Netherworld… Netherlands… Get it?

We’ll start by making food drops over the entirety of the Middle East.  Pot brownies to start.  Pot brownies and Cheetos.  Therein lies a never-ending cycle, my friends.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t smoke the idiot weed myself.  That stuff will make you dumber than a box of hair.  But it also makes you lazy.  And it’s awfully hard to go to war when you’re passed out on the couch watching Maury Povich.

And for reinforcements, I’ll send in a few companies of stoners to show them how to roll and joint and make bongs out of common everyday objects.  We’ll have stoner arts-and-crafts classes at all the community centers.  Somehow stoners can’t get their brains together enough to even glue macaroni to a paper plate.  But they’re a bunch of flippin’ Macgyvers when it comes to smoking accessories.

Next up will be the hooker battalions.  It’s tough to fire a gun when you’re getting a BJ from a Red Light pro.  They keep all their women in those beekeeper outfits.  A little bit of cleavage and they’re bound to forget who they were shooting at.  It’s a proven fact.  Boobs make men forgetful.

Once the Middle East has settled into a smoky, Cheeto cheese covered haze, I’ll start on America.  This will be much easier.  All those right-wing, religious nuts?  Half of them are already doing this stuff.  Wendell is a little lackadaisical keeping his thought leaders in line.  Oxycontin and pedophilia?  It ain’t the tree-hugging granola eaters doing that stuff, is it?  I gave them weed a long time ago because they’re super annoying without it.  Always trying to save some animal or another.  No, I don’t want to sign your petition for anything.

So, gifts of pot brownies and hookers to the nutjobs in America.  Maury’s ratings will go through the roof.  The Discovery Channel will just change every show to Shark Week.  Everyone will go back to playing video games with hand-held controllers instead of all this Wii Fit crap.  Domino’s Pizza stock will rocket sky high.  And guess what?  No fighting.  I will have totally jacked up the Battleship game.  Wendell and Al will pout for millenia, but screw ‘em.  That’s what they get for leaving me out.

Oh.. and a special note for Matt Stone and Trey Parker.  I’m not gay.  The cartoons are very funny.  And Saddam Hussein really is that annoying.  But I’m not gay.  Ever see “The Devil In Miss Jones”?  That’s a documentary dudes… Stop putting Lindsay Lohan in jail.  I’m trying to get her down here.  Anna Nicole Smith is getting way annoying.

Satan out….

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But when you see it at malls and in downtown neighborhoods, you can see it creeping into the mainstream.

So….

Top Ten:

What if Scientology became as big as Christianity?

1. Everyone would be wearing little alien head necklaces instead of crosses
2. There would be L. Ron Hubbard books in every hotel room
3. Christmas would be renamed Xenumas
4. We’d have treatment exchanges instead of Christmas presents
5. They would spend their money on huge ornate churches and then pacify the homeless outside with a bowl of soup… Oh wait, that already happens.
6. We’d have a holiday where we hide colored eggs, and we still wouldn’t know what the connection is
7. The pope would have a jet instead of a pope-mobile
8. Instead of Mel Gibson, John Travolta would get in trouble for hating Jews
9. Hollywood would replace Rome as the world seat of religion
10. Celebrities would have to take over the molesting of altar boys.

By the way, if you want to get all of Scientology’s “secrets” without paying your life savings for them, check out www.Xenu.net

Phil Johnson

http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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I find it interesting that the one topic that so easy to get in trouble with is religion.  Not surprising, but interesting.

There is some extremely funny comedy about religion out there.  Eddie Izzard is a genius at it.  And I suppose it’s about finding the right audience for it.

I have a few religious bits that I can’t do outside of large and/or fairly bohemian cities.  Instant hatred from the audience otherwise.

I was raised Catholic, but studying college level music tends to negate that.  You learn way too much about the crookedness of the church in music history and it’s hard to put that all behind you and go with the flow.

Now, that’s not to say that religion is bad or whatever.  Just that it’s flawed.  And it’s those flaws that make comedy.  I get annoyed with people that swear that every word in the bible is literal truth.  There’s been plenty of study that refutes that.  Even the timelines don’t work out.  And there was government intervention every step of the way.  So I play with those stories.

My bits are on the harsh side is you’re devout.  But I think that’s the point.  That you have to be able to see a different point of view.  For instance, according to one of the lost gospels, Mary was 16 when she had Jesus.  What we could call and teenage mother.  Joseph was 32 year old.  That’s what we now call a pedophile.  Obviously that wasn’t the view back then I suppose, but bringing that story into the present creates comedy.

Retaining the “mix history with present” type comedy, I also figure that God never gave them any child support.  Therefore establishing himself as the first deadbeat dad.  And maybe he didn’t even know.  Maybe Mary was a drunken hookup at a Heavenly party.

Taking the “God as party animal” story further, I posit that the Old Testament God was not really mean, but possibly hungover.  And then describe the creation of the universe in terms that support that.  They all fit, by the way.

It’s certainly not attacking religion.  Just playing with stories that are stories.  Like when they did Romeo and Juliet in a modern setting.  But, ooh, can I get myself in trouble with those.

Being an artist is a fine line between making money and pissing people off. 

Phil Johnson

http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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