Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction » film

Phil — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:06:36 +0000

Realized I hadn’t posted a new video in a little bit, so this is a clip from one of my DVDs, “Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot”.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (over 18 years for me any my girl) you have to work at keeping things spicy and interesting in the bedroom. And you can’t buy into the garbage the magazines spew… “Role play, bring in toys, touch him there!” He doesn’t want to be touched “there.”

So I can up with my own plan and here it is.

If you like this, click on over to stream the rest of the tracks from the album.

More new videos coming soon, so don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

5 Movie Ideas I Think I Can Sell To Hollywood

Phil — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:04:23 +0000

From what I know about pitching a movie to a studio, you should have a concise 2-3 sentence summary of what the movie is about. The dialogue and script can come later. Maybe. When you’re dealing with a world of mash-ups, reboots, and obscene product placement, things like dialogue and character development aren’t always at the top of the list.

The Arachnid Nortenos will be all up in your spam blog's grill...

1. Hector Juarez is a mild mannered janitor at a Silicon Valley tech company when he is mysteriously sucked into the search engine programming to become a search engine spider in charge of cleaning out spam blogs. Throughout his journey he realizes that his terrifying new digital life is really just as mundane and boring as his old one.

2. A sassy overweight African-American woman makes a bet with her best friend that she can bed more nerdy white boys than her friend in a two week period. In order to be around nerdy white boys to fondle, she sneaks in and starts attending an ivy league university. Finding a hitherto unknown natural talent for chaos theory and particle physics she accidentally proves string theory to be a fact. After hours she nails 30 white boys and wins the bet.

Bitch, I will CUT you!

3. A race of alien hippopotami attack a small town in western Arkansas. Things explode. Come on, do you really need more than that? Hungry Hungry Hippos, bitches.

4. Denzel Washington plays an intense, earnest man trying to do the right thing while outside forces compel him to make a moral judgment. And he has a gun. The title is “Denzel Washington plays an intense, earnest man trying to do the right thing while outside forces compel him to make a moral judgment. And he has a gun.”

5. A quirky midwestern family owns the last roller skating rink in town. They include a clueless curmudgeon of a father, a spunky rebellious daughter, a half wit younger son with a habit of chewing on things, and a sassy mother who’s the brains behind a multimillion dollar embezzling scam. They are attacked by an alien race of hippopotami. Sequels, bitches.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Star Wars Complete Saga Blu-Ray – Drowning In Geekery

Phil — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 23:02:47 +0000

Luke and Annakin trudging back and forth to the Tattooine Best Buy to buy get another copy of Star Wars.

When “Star Wars – The Complete Saga” comes out on Sept 12th, I’m going to have a hard time not plunking down my money for it. You see, I had a VHS bootleg before any of the movies were out. Then I bought the VHS’s. Then I bought the DVDs. Then I bought the remastered DVDs. Good lord, I still have boxes of action figures in my closet.

I watched the movies more times than I can count. I even have the prequels, which so many fans love to hate on.

So I suppose I’ll end up buying the blu-ray as well. The problem is I hate blu-ray. Everything is too sharp and clean. It makes it look fake and I think it ruins the effect of cgi. Avatar looks like a low-budget video game in blu-ray. It makes me want to wear my girlfriend’s eye glasses just to blur the edges a bit. And Jar-Jar Binks looks fake enough without any help from blu-ray, thank you very much.

Ah… but the 40 hours of extras. Enough deleted scenes, documentaries, bloopers, commentaries, and random crap to choke a rancor. Despite the fact that I’ve read all the books and seen the extras on everything other DVD… And despite the fact that I should know better since I’ve been on movie sets, I’ll watch them. Not all at once of course. You need a pee break sometime.

Movie sets are way less exciting than they seem. It’s a lot of waiting while other people get their shit together for the next scene. No doubt, it’s still fun, creative work. But action packed, it ain’t.

40 hours of extras for Star Wars nerds… That could cause multi-day global slowdown in technology advancements between Sept 12th and 15th as nerds everywhere lock the door and settle into the couch with a bag of Funyons and their shiny new blu-ray discs. Just think of it, 40 hours of George Lucas’s monotone voice…

Plus, they’re fixing things. You won’t see the stick in the Wampa’s arm anymore. And Yoda has been replaced with CGI (poor Frank Oz) so he doesn’t look all cross-eyed in the prequels. I always wondered when Yoda might have had eye surgery between episode 3 and 4. And, if I’ve heard correctly, Han is shooting first again. As it should be.

So yes, I’ll probably plunk down my $90 for the set when it comes out. And a blu-ray player. I don’t have one.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Xmas Nativity Scene

My Songs In Terrible Movies

Phil — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 20:53:32 +0000

Sometimes I license my songs into movies and tv shows. And people always ask me which movies? You don’t want to see them. Trust me. I’ve been a part of films that would make Norbert look like The Godfather.

There was one movie, a vampire flick, that used my song, “Rumpalicious Booty Shaker” It’s a big funky party song thing.

[Audio clip: view full post to listen]

And I’m thinking, “These must be some funky vampires to get down to that song.” I’m picturing like Dracula meets Shaft. They must be remaking Blacula!

So I get my copy of the film when it’s finished and my girl and I settle in to watch it. The first thing we notice is that it looks like it was financed through the recycling of soda cans. Four soda cans. Strike one.

Then the star of the film pops up on screen… None other than Tila Tequila. Skankarific! And if you’ve seen her tv show you know what a fantastic actress she is. Where is that girl’s oscar?

So here’s how the movie flows… Shots of a party where girls get drunk and guys ogle them. Some of them may be vampires, but we can’t tell. Then shots of Tila’s boobs. And spectacular dialogue like “You guys are so totally funny! Hey we should totally do another shot! Yeah!” This repeats for a good 20 minutes.

Then we get a scene of Tila in the shower. Why? Do vampires shower? Apparently so. My girlfriend says, “This guy really wanted to make a porno and his wife wouldn’t let him, right?” Yes, I think so.

So we’re about 40 minutes into this cinematic masterpiece and just waiting for my song to come on so we can turn the damn thing off. As we’re mentioning this, one of the drunk girls wanders out of the party into the backyard. She drops her pants and squats down and…. there’s my song.

I’m the peeing song? Really? This music director heard my song and thought “that sounds like a squattin’ song!” I don’t want that kind of association with the song. Those mental associations stick with people. Every time I play it in concert the place will clear out and there will be huge lines at the bathroom.

“I don’t know what it is about this song, Susan. Every time I hear it I have to pee.”

I’ll have to start performing at gas stations and rest stops.

“Where’s the headliner tonight?”

“Oh, he’s performing in the hallway, closer to the bathroom so it’s a shorter run.”

In Southpark they had an episode about “the brown note”. I have “the yellow song.”

On the positive side though, I can say “This song is so good you’ll wet your pants.”

Top 10 Things a song that makes people pee can be used for:

Can be used in doctors offices to collect samples
Used by students trying to get out of class
Used by women who want to go to the bathroom together, but one doesn’t have to go.
Used for crowd dispersal in a riot situation
Used to flush out cult leaders from their compounds
Used for potty training babies – When you hear this song, head for the bathroom
Makes a great practical joke
Fun thing to play when the kids want to watch grandpa’s catheter bag fill up
Good soundtrack for watersports movies
Just don’t play it in your car when you’re stuck in traffic

Kids, the moral of the story is sometimes we do it for the money…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Other Blogs On This Subject

Heartwarming Children’s Movies of the Future

Film Review Review – The Princess and the Frog

Phil — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 23:06:30 +0000

I thought long and hard about weighing in on this one. Mostly because I don’t want to be just another talking-cyber-head yapping away idiotically into the wind of cyberspace. But the potential from idiocy has never deterred me before, so what the heck?

There’s no point in me actually reviewing the film. I’m an unabashed Disney fan and there was only the most remote chance of me not liking this film. I loved it. I thought the animation was beautiful, the characters nicely developed, the songs as good as can be expected from Randy Newman. I’m a Disney fan, but not a big fan of Randy Newman. I had a great time. All hail John Lasseter.

And guess what… that’s the point of the movie. Having a good time. I’ve been reading reviews of this film today. Why? Because apparently I like to read things that irritate me. And often times, reading bad user submitted reviews is like visiting People Of Walmart. They’re a train wreck. You just can’t figure out how these people can manage to even turn a computer on let alone type the actual words that don’t make any sense anyway.

But I knew there would be discussion about this film so I was curious.

It wouldn’t have mattered what the character went through in this film, someone would bitch about it. Disney’s first black leading lady becomes a frog. One reviewer, and I’ll link to his blog just because it’s the right thing to do, wrote this: “Intentional or not, what kind of message does it send out that the studio’s first African-American princess has to be relegated for the vast majority of screen time to the form of an amphibian?”

What? Basically… ‘Why the black girl gotta be a frog?”

Well, let’s see… If we put a black girl in some of Disney’s other classics…

Why the black girl gotta shack up with seven little men?
Why the black girl gotta have a big nose and lie all the time?
Why the black girl gotta have big ears and get drunk “accidentally”?
Why the black girl gotta be a cleaning girl who needs help from a fairy godmother?
Why the black girl gotta live in the jungle with a bear and a tiger?
See my point?

It wouldn’t have mattered what Disney first used a black leading lady in. Because what people forget is that the lead character needs to have some sort of conflict or it’s not a story. Writing 101, my friends.

Many people are saying that Disney glossed over the racial separations in the south at the time the film is set in. Yes, they did. And you know why? Because it’s a Disney film. And that wasn’t the point of the story. The point of the story was that you can accomplish what you want if you work for it. And sometimes you might need some help from friends. Wow, what a terrible message.

If I wanted to see a dissertation on black rights in the south, I’d watch Roots again. Disney wasn’t attempting to tackle that issue, and very intelligently stayed away from it because it wouldn’t matter what they did, it would have raised even more ire among the yapping idiots.

And yes, the plot and message is typical Disney. First off, it’s a good message. One that every generation needs to hear. Just because you’ve heard it before doesn’t mean it’s not valid. Plus Disney deals in modern fairy tales. And if you read a fairy tale there is but one lesson to be learned from it. It’s a fable, a parable.

Maybe they’d like to bitch that some of the stories in the bible have a simplistic message too? Simple gets the point across.

This film has a purpose… entertainment and a positive message. And it accomplishes that wonderfully. It’s not supposed to be deeply intellectual or a commentary on society past and present. Plenty of other movies for that.

The other thing that made my eyes roll are the writers that said the side characters were to “exaggerated” or “stereotypical”. Newsflash… COMEDY IS SUPPOSED TO BE EXAGGERATED. Inspector Clouseau wasn’t exaggerated all all, hmm? Or Charlie Chaplin’s little tramp? Or anything that ever came out of Robin Williams’s mouth?

And you’re going to tell me that regional accents are bad because they’re stereotypical? People actually talk like that! That’s realism! If nobody had an accent, people would have complained that it was inauthentic. Stereotypes (true ones) are used as a touchstone of realism for the setting. Is Roots or The Color Purple an evil film because of the use of dialect?

It was bad that the villian voodoo practitioner was a black man? How many white voodoo practitioners do you know? If we don’t use stereotypes in storytelling, everything gets white washed. Literally and figuratively. But it seems people only get mad when it’s used for comic effect.

Remember this… especially if you ever come to see me perform. Nothing is sacred. Because if you can’t laugh at the most important things in your life, you’re taking yourself too seriously.

So, if you’re thinking about seeing this film, of wondering if it will damage your children or whatever, just go see it. Enjoy it. Stop thinking so damn much.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

PS… I’m not completely uncritical about Disney. I have a broadly exaggerated (uh oh!) song about Disneyland as part of the 8 free songs you can get from me at http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com/8-free-songs

Film Review – Never Been Thawed

Phil — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 17:18:50 +0000

I just picked up a copy of this film, “Never Been Thawed” because a website mentioned Greg Behrendt was in it. And the plot looked like just the thing I’d like. And I certainly wasn’t disappointed.

It was originally released in 2005, so don’t look for it in your local theater anytime soon. But I definitely recommend picking up a DVD.

The film is in a mock-doc style and centers around a group of frozen dinner enthusiasts. Yes, you read that right. They collect TV dinners and are as geeky about them as any Disney, NASCAR, stamp collector, or scrapbooker you’ve ever met. One of the lead characters, Shawn, runs 14 freezers in his house at all times to keep his collection from melting.

Shawn’s punk rock band also has decided to turn Christian Rock to take advantage of a happening market. Plenty of good jabs here. At one point their tour laminates are shown and say “Convertin’ MF’s Tour 2003″ Love it.

If you’re easily offended, don’t watch. It takes jabs at collectors, religion, conservatives, abortion protesters, musicians, born again virgins, clowns, and assorted other misfits and dorks.

This movie is all about the writing. The production is so-so and looks low budget. The acting is pretty good for the most part, but falls down in a couple places. The script is the thing here. It’s kind of like watching South Park. Yeah, the animation sucks, but the dialogue makes it worthwhile.

Oh, and Greg Behrendt is in it. He plays a super douche-y morning radio DJ who loves to hear his own voice and cuts off every answer to his interview questions. I know Greg has done plenty of radio, and I’ve done quite a few myself. Let’s just say he nails it.

It was produced in association with Netflix, so I imagine you can get it there. Amazon also has it for cheap.

I heartily recommend this film. And if you’re the type that needs social proof, it also won the Sedona International Film Festival for Breakout Filmmaker. Give it a go!

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

PS… We’re neither punk nor Christian rock, but be sure to grab your 8 free MP3s from my band Roadside Attraction at http://www.roadsideattraction.com/8-free-songs

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