Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction » fashion

Animal Hats Make My Eyeballs Hurt

Phil — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:10:28 +0000

Hey, you know what's cool? Neither does this guy.

When I was a kid at Disneyland, I would see people wearing all their mouse ears and goofy hats. And I’d think, wouldn’t it be great if the regular world were open and creative enough to let people wear weird hats on a daily basis.

And recently I see this guy wearing a knit panda bear hat with huge black ears and I thought, “I was wrong. He looks like an idiot.”

He’s acting like he’s all cool, but you just can’t trust a doctor in a panda hat.

For the most part it’s kids and teenagers that wear them. Little emo pre-hipsters. They may as well be drinking PBR out of a Capri Sun bag, cuz that’s where they’re headed.

I think that’s when you really become an adult. When you look at people younger than you and think, “Do they know they look that stupid?”

I think if you timed it right in the course of your own personal development and, on a Wednesday look at your picture and go, “Man, I look good.” And on Thursday, “What the hell was I thinking?!”

They don’t realize that in 20 years those pictures of them wearing an animal on their head are STILL going to be on facebook. It will no longer take a resourceful mother to show your embarrassing kid pictures to people. The internet is now everyone’s embarrassing mother.

The internet will happily go, “And here’s a picture of little Johnny after his first beer, passed out in the alley behind the bar with a knit monkey hat on his head, his pants around his ankles and a cock drawn on his face. I’m sure he’ll make an excellent addition to your company.”

That’s an advantage that anyone over 30 right now has. All those horrible pictures of you following every high school fad can be hidden away in a box and/or thrown in a fire.

The only way to avoid ridicule over your odd early life fashion choices is to do what I do. Continue to look ridiculous.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

My New Celebrity Cologne For Men

Phil — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 17:37:53 +0000

Singers do it… Actors do it… Talentless heiresses do it… Never before has a comedian had a signature line of cologne. so darn it, I will be the first. Trail blazer, that’s me….

Check out the commercial.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

http://www.facebook.com/philjohnsoncomedy

Anorexic Mannequins

Phil — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 18:31:44 +0000

Welcome to the Minimalist Clothing Emporium

Actually ” The Anorexic Mannequins” sounds like a cool band name, now that I think about it.

Anyway, I was at the mall the other day and one of the store mannequins in the window was wearing a pair of jeans so tight that they had to leave the top button undone.

How is that supposed to entice women to buy those jeans? Every woman I know thinks she’s too big. She’s going to think “It doesn’t even fit the four pound mannequin!”

What does that do to the mannequin’s psyche? “I get no exercise just standing here all day. I must be gaining weight. I’m going to get demoted from the window and end up in the plus size section.”

And really, have you seen how much mannequins eat? Nothing! They really have a problem already.

However, if they were to put her hand in the front of the pants Al Bundy style… That would make the whole look work.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Neck Ties Suck

Phil — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 18:30:16 +0000

I was reading an interview with someone once (totally can’t remember who) and he said one of this goals in life was to never have to wear a neck tie. Amen brother.

I’ve kept to that myself over the years. When I was kid, I had a couple of those clip-on jobbies. And I had to learn how to tie one in the cub scouts. I guess they figured after we got rid of that lame neckerchief we’d be on to some other throat throttling apparatus.

And once I learned how to tie one, I promptly forgot. Learned a couple more times over the years and misplaced that memory every time. It just wasn’t meant to be. Besides, lack of a tie wasn’t going to keep me out of a corporate job. I have hair down to my butt.

Which is why I wonder why criminals always wear a tie to court. Is it that much of a social trigger that they think it will help get them off? Does a tie trump a murder charge and a neck tattoo?

According to societal mores, a neck tie says “upstanding’, just like a crown says “royalty” and a lower back tattoo says “slut”.

If I don’t wear a neck tie to your wedding, it doesn’t mean I think any less of you. It just means I don’t like a ball of fabric crushing my trachea.

I will say this though. Neck ties are the one concession to fashion discomfort that men make. Women have to wear all kinds of crazy crap.

When you picture a businessman coming home from work, what’s the first they he does? Loosens the tie. And a businesswoman? She kicks off those ridiculous high heels and then does that crazy magic bra removal thing that made even Houdini say “Amazing!”.

So yep, women have to wear uncomfortable stuff. But I didn’t want to play that part of the man game. So I found a job that requires looking interesting more than upstanding.

Oh, and an interesting resource I found. “Christians Against Neckties” – a group on Facebook. Finally, something we can agree on!

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Other Blogs On This Subject

You Said: No to Neckties for Women – Omiru: Style for All

Clothing Sizes

Phil — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:02:50 +0000

We, as a people, take great joy in being punished and punishing others.

Guys are obvious about it. They’ll walk into a boxing ring or a football game with the intention of beating each other up. In extreme situations men simply blow each other up.

Women, however, are more cunning and devious when punishing other women. They open clothing stores. A place where women go to be mentally demeaned by polyester and spandex garments made in Indonesia.

The sizes alone are designed to create competition. A size 8 girl, wants to be a size 5, wants to be a size 2.

And with a size zero, shouldn’t she just disappear at that point? Just be a two-dimensional being?

Number sizes don’t work so well for guys. We’re used to competing for higher numbers.

“I’ve got a 16 ton truck, I batted a .330 in college, and I wear a size 42 dress.”

Guy sizes are easy and non-competitive. Small, medium, large, extra large. Ok, except for small, maybe. Small is rarely a good word to use in reference to men. Remember that ladies. Do not call anything we may posses or be attached to, small or cute.

But the rest are fine. Medium is simply average size. Cool. Large is a big man. Extra large is a really big man. We can create good mental connotations for any of these.

And then they make the women’s sizes even worse by apparently making them for midgets or possibly small dogs. I think we’re getting closer to the size number being equal to the garment in centimeters.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Song of the Day: You Make Me Feel (Like I Can Do Anything)
A love song to my audiences… When I get in front of a good audience, they make me feel like I could accomplish anything… Even things that probably should not be accomplished for my own health.

PS… Get 8 free MP3s from me at http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com/8-free-songs

How Fashion Harms Us All

Phil — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 18:56:24 +0000

Clothing stores are where women go to feel bad about themselves by trying on clothes that don’t fit. And they do it in a cubbyhole under fluorescent lights that would make Angelina Jolie look like Phyllis Diller. If those stores wanted women to feel good about their bodies in those clothes, shouldn’t they make the dressing rooms more appealing? Some mood lighting, soft music, maybe a cardboard cutout of Brad Pitt with an approving look on his face.

And only two kinds of people work in these stores. Girls who want the employee discount, and guys who want to meet the girls… or the other guys.

My favorite is the security guard. You know he’s there trying to hook a hottie with the uniform. Unfortunately he usually looks like Barney Feif on a bad teeth day.

I don’t like the fashion industry because I think it does more harm than good. And my girlfriend knows this. Yet she drags me along whenever she can get one over on me. We’ll be out running general errands or something and it’s “Oh, can we stop in this one store, I need to return something.” And it’s over, I’ve been sucked in again.

I have two purposes on these shopping trips. One is to have an opinion on things I really don’t care about. Why do I not care? Because she’s beautiful to me no matter what she wears. (Cue: Awwww….) And even if I do have an opinion, she will contradict it.

Her: What do you think of this?
Me: It makes your butt look big and skin kind of green.
Her: Really? I think it’s cute. I’m getting it.

My second job is to hold all her crap. She’s goes shopping all the time by herself, so I know she can hold stuff. But the second we walk in she hands me her purse. Then as she finds things they all end up in my arms as well. And since she’s not weighed down, the little weight buzzer in her head that says, “Enough clothes! Bankruptcy imminent!” never goes off. So she keeps going until I tell her my arms are falling asleep.

When she finally hits the dressing room, I get to stand outside. And it always seems to be in the lingerie area, so I look like a pervert too. This is the only time I want to hold her purse. That’s the signal that I’m not just a weirdo hanging out in the panty section.

I think stores would do well by themselves if they had a waiting area for the men. Somewhere to sit at least. A couch, some TVs, a cooler of beer. Maybe a two way mirror into the dressing rooms. Keep men engaged and they’ll be more willing to hang out and let their ladies shop longer.

In the meantime, no more shopping for me.

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Purse Dogs

Phil — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 18:15:23 +0000

I’m in the post office and the lady in front of me has one of those tiny yapper dogs on a leash with her. The dog is dressed in a road-cone-orange vest of some sort.

I said “Wow, that’s the smallest seeing eye dog I’ve ever seen.”

And she turned her blank stare towards me and said, “Oh, it’s not a seeing eye dog.”

I didn’t expect her to get it, but the people around me had a good little giggle.

It used to be that you didn’t bring dogs into a public building unless they were a service dog. You had to be blind, or deaf, or mentally handicapped in some way.

Though I guess anyone who will let a teacup chihuahua crap in a $300 Coach purse could be considered mentally handicapped.

If these vapid fashionistas can drag their pooches around stores, I can too.

I want to get a red wagon and a St. Bernard and stroll right into Forever 21.
Just walk right in with a giant, flatulent St. Bernard.

“Oh, Bon Bon! Did you make a poufy?”

Somebody get a video camera….

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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