Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction » comedy

Phil — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:06:36 +0000

Realized I hadn’t posted a new video in a little bit, so this is a clip from one of my DVDs, “Be Yourself…Unless You’re An Idiot”.

When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time (over 18 years for me any my girl) you have to work at keeping things spicy and interesting in the bedroom. And you can’t buy into the garbage the magazines spew… “Role play, bring in toys, touch him there!” He doesn’t want to be touched “there.”

So I can up with my own plan and here it is.

If you like this, click on over to stream the rest of the tracks from the album.

More new videos coming soon, so don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube Channel.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Giant Penis Attacks Tokyo

Phil — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 20:35:52 +0000

Call it what you want. Texas just got tea-bagged.

I got a spam email for some penis enlargement pills the other day. And the subject line said “Don’t be alarmed when it doesn’t stop growing.”

I think it’s safe to say that I would be awfully damned alarmed if it didn’t stop growing. You CAN have too much of a good thing.

Ladies, if you thought guys were just one big dick before… Wait til they have one that never stops growing.

It’s like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone. “A man takes a pill to send him and his girl to the heights of pleasure. Instead it sends them to… The Twilight Zone.”

There’s a possibility of, while sleeping, getting tangled in it and suffocating. You’re supposed to strangle it. Not the other way around.

At first you could just throw it over your shoulder. But eventually you’d have to wheel it around on one of those things you roll a garden hose on. And I don’t know about you, but my garden always always has a kink in it even on the roll-y thing.

I really don’t want my penis to attack Tokyo.
“Giant wee wee attacking! It go ‘ppt ppt’ and cover Tokyo in white gooey!”

But the good part is when you die they’ll be able to cut it and count the rings to see how old you are.

Thanks for a great year!

Phil — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 21:05:52 +0000

I’m going to be MIA online until Jan 2nd. Time to wrap up the year with some eating, some reflecting, some writing, some planning, some more eating, and some relaxation.

It’s been a great year and I have you to thank for it. Lots of great new stuff coming up in 2012 and I look forward to spreading more laughter and understanding in the world.

A couple notes:
I’m running my “gift a free album” promotion until Dec 24th. Give any of my albums for free to a friend and get a free one for yourself. All the info is at http://su.pr/1eu9uP

If you haven’t heard my subversive Xmas single “What Santa Wants” yet, download it for free at www.WhatSantaWants.com

And, as a wrap-up, here’s my most popular posts of 2011…
7 Innocent Words That Turn Women On

The Superman Snuggie – Downfall of Western Civilization

Anyone Trying Chime.in Yet?

Top 10 Strangest Dummies and Idiot’s Guide Books

Celebrating Elvis Presley’s “Birthday” According To Michelle Bachmann

Disney D23 Expo Wrap-Up

Indians Are The Smartest Immigrants

An Open Letter To The World From Satan

10 Weirdest/Coolest Disney Cover Songs

Sex Stores Bankrupt – 24 Hour Porn DVDs The Culprit

Thanks for reading! Be sure to get the big picture… hear the music, laugh at the comedy, grab a t-shirt… at www.RoadsideAttraction.com

My Top 9 (Not Really) Awesome Money Saving Tips

Phil — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:07:00 +0000

Angry film actor or money-conscious home security system?

Especially towards the end of the year, money can be tight. Gotta buy gifts for all those ingrates, right?

So here’s some of my best money-saving tips to help shore up your finances.

1. Replace that expensive home alarm system with a loud audio recording of Samuel L. Jackson yelling, “I WILL KILL A MUTHAFUCKA!”

2. To save on gas on a long trip, find a semi-truck going the same direction as you and latch your car to the back of it. The only downside is that it may take a little longer to reach your destination due to frequent stops for meth and rest stop BJs.

3. Instead of going to a pricy restaurant with a prix fixe menu of 10 courses, get overly dressed up and go to a cheap diner. Insist that each dish (sides too!) be brought on individual plates and at spaced intervals. This is easily accomplished by ordering everything “on the side”. Also ask that the cook (and call him chef!) come to your table and show you the box your mashed potatoes came from. Make a show of sniffing the box and proclaiming it “a fine vintage”.

4. There’s not much you can do to save on health insurance premiums. But you do want to get your money’s worth. Find out what the most expensive illnesses and injuries are that they’ll cover and try one out each month. For a little bonus money, sustain those injuries during work hours so you can collect workman’s comp too! And remember, botched plastic surgery isn’t covered!

5. Hotels can be very expensive. And even the price of hostels have gone up. So to save even more money you can visit the new style of accommodations called “hostiles”, in which violent alcoholics actually pay you to stay in their house for a night. Bonus tip: Bring head gear and a flak jacket!

6. For about half the price of a college education you can have the same experience and outcome in just one weekend. On Friday afternoon, order your diploma from a “reputable” online university that doesn’t have any attendance or testing requirements. Then spend the weekend getting blackout drunk, watching porn, and attempting to play rugby/cricket/water polo/beer pong (depending on your fantasy college of choice). By Monday your diploma will arrive in the mail and you’ll remember just as much about college as if you really went!

7. Property taxes can be one of the biggest expenses of the year for a home owner. To reduce your costs, have Hollywood effects artists paint a giant scrim that makes it look like your house has disappeared. The set up a pup tent and camp stove on your front lawn. When the appraiser comes to appraise your house, tell him the aliens took your house and that’s all you’re left with. Lower property taxes and Hollywood magic that you can use year after year!

8. Reducing your electricity costs is easy when you build a couple amateur solar panels, unplug appliances when not in use, use low wattage light bulbs, and/or run a bundle of extension cords to your neighbor’s back yard power outlet.

9. Save those old gift cards that you’ve used all the value on already. When the nice stripper asks you to pay for your lap dance, make it rain plastic showers of “$20″ Chili’s gift cards. She’ll briefly love you for helping her feed her kids and you get a free lap dance! Bonus tip: Don’t ever visit the same strip club twice!

Roll up all those extra pennies you’ll save from these tips and buy your friends a “Be Yourself… Unless You’re An Idiot” DVD or T-shirt for the holidays. It’s the one gift they can’t return. Because they won’t know where you got it.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Top 5 Tips To Not Being A Smartphone Douchebag

My 10 Favorite Comedy Bits Of All Time

Phil — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 19:58:57 +0000

I’ve talked a bit on here about some of my favorite songs and how they influence my own art, but not so much on the comedy. I think stand-up comedy favorites come in two flavors. There are really solid albums that are full of laughs all the way through and can be listened to over and over again. For me that would be stuff like Bob Goldthwait’s “I Don’t Mean To Insult You, But You Look Like…”, Robin William’s “A Night at the Met”, and Dov Davidoff’s “The Point Is”. All of those I can listen to over and over and still laugh. They’re almost like a comedy opera where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

The other kind are the outstanding set pieces. A bit for all time. The stuff you can quote to your friends the next day. When you think back over a whole comedy show and you remember a particular section of it clear as day… That’s what we’re talking about here.

And yeah, there’s no George Carlin, Richard Pryor, or Carrot Top (shock!) here. Carlin and Pryor are album experiences to me.

1. Eddie Izzard – Death Star Cafeteria (from ‘Circle’)- The first time I heard this bit I was in my car driving through San Francisco. I nearly had to pull over because I was laughing so hard I was afraid I was going to hit someone. Granted, I’m a Star Wars nerd, but I think this one has a little something for everyone.

2. Eddie Izzard – Covered In Bees (from ‘Glorious’)- Ok, I admit, I listen to A LOT of Eddie Izzard. This bit is a little more standard stand-up than his other stuff, but it’s a great example of a mix, which is a technique I use a lot. And it must resonate with his fans since he’s still selling “Covered In Bees” t-shirts at his gigs years later.

3. Robin Williams – Golf (from ‘Live On Broadway’)- I found it really cool that 30-some years into his career, Robin Williams came up with one of his most finely crafted comedy pieces ever. And it really is as close to a perfectly written bit as you can get. There’s different layers to it. There’s the basic concept of the ridiculousness of golf, but the added Scottish act out on top of it, plus the energy he bring really takes it over the top. A lesser performer could do a lot of the same premises and not be able to sell it.

4. Christopher Titus – Dad’s Funeral (from ’5th Annual End of the World Tour’)- Titus is dark. And I don’t mean fake, made up dark for shock value. He takes the most horrible parts of his life and puts them on stage and makes them pass-out-from-lack-of-air funny. This bit about his Dad’s funereal requests and what they actually did is one of the absolute best pieces of comedy I’ve ever heard. I can’t find a video for this bit anywhere, so go over to MOG and listen to it there.

5. Bill Cosby – Dentists (from ‘Himself’)- “Himself” was one of the first comedy specials I saw as a kid. And while now we have the term “ROFL”, I actually was rolling on the floor laughing watching this bit. Couldn’t catch my breath. It was probably THE moment that turned me into a comedy fan.

6. Bob Nelson – Football – If Bill Cosby was THE moment, this bit from Bob Nelson was the second. Bob always does great characters and “dem helmet and dem should’em pads” and “dain bramage” pops into my head at random intervals. A sure sign of a memorable bit. And now you can see Bob in Branson in his own theater.

7. Mitch Hedberg – X (from ‘Mitch All Together’)- Mitch had a zillion really awesome bits that are just fun to remember. This is one that always makes me laugh when I hear it. It’s a great mix of anthropomorphism and just off-center thinking.

8. Ralphie May – Popeapalooza (from ‘Girth of a Nation’)- Ralphie is one of those guys that can get away with saying just about anything on stage. And his take on the aggrandizement of the pope’s death is fantastic. He does it right after a bit about a tsunami killing thousands and then says, “Ok, in this next joke, only one person dies.” Brilliant. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a video for this one either, but you can listen to it on MOG.

9. Greg Behrendt – Crybaby Spiderman (from ‘Uncool’)- Generally Greg is an album guy for me. But this bit is a standout (with Chicken Situation in a close 2nd). He’s got a great storytelling style on here with material that nobody else could really do, because it’s so “him”. There’s an interested conundrum at the end. The closing line is a joke that’s kind of obvious. But it had to go there because that’s what the audience expected at that point. And they almost beat him to the line. I think his delivery suffers because of it, but there’s almost nothing you can do when you’re delivering a joke like that. Part of the laugh is that the audience was on the same wavelength as you.

Warner Brothers are a building full of idiots who don’t know how the internet works. They disable embedding for this video, but I encourage you clink the link and check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0XqhwI0zcY

10. Patton Oswalt – Sky Cake (from ‘My Weakness Is Strong’)- I often run across things that make me think, “Damn, I wish I wrote that.” This bit is one of those. It cuts. It’s well written. It has Patton’s signature sideways thinking. He makes great points. The first time I heard it, I laughed uncontrollably. And then felt sad that I didn’t think of it first.

Be sure to leave me a comment below and tell me what your favorite stand-up comedy bits are too!

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

My New Celebrity Cologne For Men

Phil — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 17:37:53 +0000

Singers do it… Actors do it… Talentless heiresses do it… Never before has a comedian had a signature line of cologne. so darn it, I will be the first. Trail blazer, that’s me….

Check out the commercial.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

http://www.facebook.com/philjohnsoncomedy

Celebrating Elvis Presley’s “Birthday” According To Michelle Bachmann…

Phil — Wed, 17 Aug 2011 05:08:50 +0000

According to Michelle Bachman...

Greg Behrendt on Sexy Free Passes

Phil — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 17:35:26 +0000

This is a great bit from Greg Behrendt’s

last DVD about playing “Free Pass” with your spouse. Not a good idea. This clip is just the beginning of the bit and I definitely recommend getting the DVD to see the rest.

Also, go over to YouTube and look for his bits about Pictionary and Chicken Situation. Warner Brothers in their inane wisdom doesn’t allow embedding.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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7 Innocent Words That Turn Women On

Phil — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:14:31 +0000

If only it were this easy....

I was surfing last night (yes, on a perfectly legitimate site), and there was this ad for “7 Innocent Words That Turn Women On”. “Well,” I thought to myself, “In the interests of science and psychology, I should check this out.”

They claim you can use a few normal little words in a perfectly innocent context and have a woman panting and naked in no time. Suuuuuure….

But hey, let’s check it out, shall we? Apparently there’s a right way and wrong way to do this.

“Wet”
Right Way: (When she comes in from the rain…) Oh, you’re so wet.
Wrong Way: I think I just wet my pants

“Deep”
Right Way: (When talking about feelings and emotions…) And how does that make you feel, deep inside?
Wrong Way: … and that’s when I left her floating face down in the deep end of the pool.

“Come”
Right Way: (When you’re waiting for her to come over to your house…” I can’t wait for you to come.
Wrong Way: Come. Heel. Sit. Stay.

“Hard”
Right Way: (When she’s talking about a challenge she’s facing…) Do you like it when it’s hard?
Wrong Way: Do you have any money? I’m a little hard up.

“Eat/Mouth”
Right Way: (When you’re giving her food…) Here, just put it in your mouth.
Wrong Way: (When you’re giving her a GHB spiked drink…) Here, just put it in your mouth.

“Inside”
Right Way: (When she says something that makes you happy…) You make me so happy. You make me feel warm inside when I’m with you.
Wrong Way: I’m leaving you locked inside until you stop screaming.

“Dripping”
Right Way: (When her ice cream is starting to melt…) Baby, you’re dripping all over yourself.
Wrong Way: This medicine I’m taking causes anal leakage. I’m constantly dripping all over.

There it is boys and girls… Talk to your lady in the right way and get lucky. Talk to her in the wrong way and get a restraining order. The choice is yours.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com
http://www.facebook.com/philjohnsoncomedy

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Eric Schwartz and an Essential Music Question

Phil — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 15:44:35 +0000

I’ve worked with Eric Schwartz many times. This would be the Eric Schwartz with hair that sings instead of raps. The other one is good too.

Anyway, this Eric Schwartz has a fantastic song about a thing that many singers are thinking at some point during the show. And the brilliant thing is that I’ve never heard him do this song the same way twice. It’s a genius dose of stream of consciousness humor laid to a beautiful R&B groove.

Oh, and definitely NSFW….

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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