Swingers – A Picture of Confidence

Some people have all the balls they need. Here’s a picture of confidence. I pulled up to a stoplight and on the opposite corner was one of those guys swinging a sign.

Now, first of all, he’s swinging a sign for Savers, which is a thrift store. I don’t mean “vintage” clothing. There’s no $100 Duran Duran t-shirts. I’m talking thriiiiiift store. Where you can buy a 3 piece suit for 15 cents if you don’t mind the smell of vomit.

Now these sign swingers make about $10 and hour. The average purchase at Savers is about $4. So in order to break even on this genius marketing plan, two and half people every hour have to see that sign and say “Wow, I totally don’t have enough clothes that smell like other people. I’m going to stop and buy some right now!”

Something tells me they’re losing money on that deal.

But back to the kid with the sign. He’s swinging away, and there’s a girl waiting on the same corner for the light to change.

And he’s hitting on her! That, my friend, is confidence. That’s him saying “My only employable skill is moving my arms right to left while maintaining a grip on this cardboard sign, but I would be a great father for your future children.

I prayed that his pick up line wasn’t “What’s your sign?”

And I’m quite sure he’s one of these douche bags that has the marital status on his MySpace profile set to “swinger”.

So he’s macking on this girl and I can see her trying to keep her distance, but at the same time she’s probably thinking, “Hell, he’s employed. That’s better than my loser unemployed engineer computer programmer boyfriend.”

If you ever see me on a street corner swinging a sign, I want you to perform your first drive-by shooting.  I assume it’s your first, though I could be wrong.

The headlines will read “Former comedian put out of his misery.”

Phil Johnson

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