Stop It, Hollywood… Just stop it.

Adam Sandler will be writing and starring in the Candyland movie. That MUST qualify him for some sort of capital punishment, right?

I saw a trailer for a new movie recently.  It takes place in Atlantic City in the 1920’s.  Four wealthy real estate magnates are each trying to undercut the other’s business while raising the cost of living to obscene amounts that force the city’s poor deeper into debt.

One of the men drives a big fancy sports car.  Another drives a thimble.  Another inexplicably rides a small terrier around town.  And the fourth, a terrible womanizer, just calls himself, The Cannon.

Why not Monopoly the Movie?  At least it has a plot.  They’ve already made movies about Battleship and Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.  And, I’m not kidding, Candyland the movie is currently in production.

You know the game whose plot is picking up colored cards and moving around the board until your head explodes from boredom?

I assume the skills needed to watch the movie will be the same as playing the game.  Color recognition, a 20 minute attention span, and the intellect of a 5 year old.

The unoriginality and overblown production values of Hollywood won’t be stopped anytime soon.  Picture this trailer… “Boom….. Boom….. Boom…. Booooom…………… Connect 4”

I have no idea what the plot will be, but it will involve aliens.  That’s how they tip the scales in pitch meetings.  Studio execs apparently love aliens.

If they’re making board games into movies… And they’ve been making movies into Broadway musicals….  I think it’s only a matter of time before we’re paying $75 a ticket to see Gnip Gnop The Musical.  It will have a cutting edge (and/or bland throwaway tracks) set of songs written by the Beastie Boys.  ‘Gnip Gnop and we don’t stop…”

And now they’re making movies out of self-help books.  “He’s Just Not That Into You” apparently did well enough to make the studios try again.  Next up are both “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” and Steve Harvey’s “Act Like A Man”.  In case the “movies move product” paradigm wasn’t obvious enough yet, it should be now.  There’s bound to be a few cans of Enfamil sitting conspicuously in frame in the pregnancy movie.

I hope Robert Kiyosaki is paying attention and working on a screenplay for “Cashflow Quadrant”.  That’s sure to be riveting.  I myself will be adapting a screenplay from the book, “Film Making For Dummies”.

My guess is that they’re trying to get to the people who don’t read the book and just see the movie.  Ye olde lowest common denominator being catered to again.  What makes them think that people that can’t even get motivated to read a book will be motivated to act in any positive way after seeing the movie?

And when we run out of self-help books?  My guess is movies about cereal.  Let’s look in on the pitch session. In this reenactment I use the names “producer” and “studio executive” very loosely.

Producer: The movie is called ‘Cheerios’
Studio Exec: What’s it about?
Producer: Um… fucking Cheerios.
Studio Exec: The Cheerios are fucking?  I love it!
Producer: No, I mean it’s JUST about Cheerios.
Studio Exec: …..
Producer: … and they get attacked by aliens.
Studio Exec: I love it!  Let’s green-light it!

Please… We must stop the madness before we have to sit through “How To Win Friends and Influence Cap’n Crunch” on Broadway.

Phil Johnson


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