Pop Singers Who Need Their Own Video Games

Quick! What's the first word that comes to mind when you see Kanye West? It was "humility", right? Yeah, me neither.

Quick! What’s the first word that comes to mind when you see Kanye West? It was “humility”, right? Yeah, me neither.

According to this post over at Geek.com, Kanye West is developing a video game that has the player getting Kanye’s dead mom to the highest gate of Heaven by holding her to the light.

Kanye’s dear mother Donda passed away in 2007.  If she’s not there by now… Besides, Kanye already proclaimed “I Am God” on the Yeezus album. Mom shouldn’t need a lot of help from a guy poking his phone on a lunch break.

Maybe your game character will get bonus points for interrupting celebrity award acceptance speeches.

But maybe this will be a new thing, singers doing games.  I’m sure they’d all like a little of that ridiculous profit Kim Kardashian made on her game.  (As I side note, I’d fully support sequestering anyone that played that game for more than 2 minutes and keeping them out of the gene pool.)

So who else needs to do a game?  Let’s see…

Britney Learns To Read – In this educational game, the player teaches Britney Spears how to read.  You start with something at about a 4th grade reading level, like “50 Shades of Gray” and work up to Shakespeare.  Bonus rounds along the way will have you teach Britney all the different ways to spell “Britney” – Brittany, Britany, Brittanee, Brittaney, Brittani, Brittanie, Brittanni, Brittannie, Brittenee, Britteney, Brittenie, Britteny, Brittiney, Brittiny, Bryttany, Britanny, Brittknee, Britknee, Britianee…

And if you lose, all you get is a picture of this guy…

Maroon 5 Goes To Hell – In this game you start out as a pretty good pop-rock band with a strong debut album.  Then you have to invite as many other people into your production circle as possible until your music sounds like it was created by a Congressional committee. Bonus points for every commercial your singer appears in.

Taylor Swift Likes You – Your goal is to become the most liked person in the world by cheering at every awards show, giving gifts to your fans, and dating other pop stars only to down-to-earth girl anthems about them later.  But your quest will meet its challenge during the final round when you have to beat the big boss… Katy Perry.

Iggy Azalea’s Black Like Me – You’re an undercover Australian cop on a mission to root out drug sales in the hip-hop industry.  To prepare, you must co-opt every bit of black culture you can manage to stuff into your 5’10 blonde frame and become a famous and mediocre rap star.  Bonus points for destroying the future of hip-hop.

Pharrell the Milliner – Your quest is to create the most ridiculous hats possible and convince other people to wear them just because you do.  Along the way, you’ll decide which old Motown grooves you can rip off to create hit songs for yourself and sad, recently divorced misogynists.

Learn to Dance with Lorde – In this instructional game, you’ll learn how to jerk around like a spastic having a seizure.  But don’t look like you’re having a good time! Even the hint of a smile and you’ll lose all your emo bonus points.

Ok, time for me to go hire myself out as a game consultant to the stars….

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