Punched in the face by Thai food

Spicy Thai FoodOne of the side effects of being with a Singaporean girl is having to get used to spicy food.  Before her it’s wasn’t my strong suit.  I’m a firm “Mild” at Taco Bell.

But I’ve gotten used to it over the years and I know if we go to a Thai restaurant I’ll come out looking like I just bombed an audition for Survivor.

We went to a Thai food place the other night and the waitress brought us glasses of water. I said, “I drink a lot of water. You can just leave the pitcher.” She looked at me… and back at her boss… and said, “I’ll just bring it when you need it.”  Like this was my big plan to steal a plastic pitcher and escape to Mexico to fence it to the Cartel.

Her boss came to take our food order.  Probably because we were now “suspect”.

He asked how spicy we wanted our food on a scale of 1 to 10. Which is like your dominatrix asking “How far do you want to go today?”  But there’s no safe word with at the Thai restaurant.

Of course, you’re there and you want the really good stuff.  And you’re also sure it’s a really bad idea.

We told the guy 8.  And when we do that they look at me, then look at my girlfriend.  And she says, “It’s ok. He’s cool.” And I can only imagine the cook looked out at our table and went, “Oh, he thinks he’s cool, does he?”

Because the food that came out was so covered in red Thai chiles it looked like it had measles.

We each took a bite and looked at each other. And my girlfriend said, “We’ve made a horrible mistake.”  But we can’t send it back. We’re in now. So I put on my Richard Simmons terry cloth headband and got to work.

Science has shown that spicy food gives you the same endorphin rush as having sex. Right down to the expelling of bodily fluids if you do it right.  But unlike spicy food, sex doesn’t burn.  Usually.

Not only that.  They also claim that spicy food is an aphrodisiac.  You ever eat a big spicy meal and then feel like jumping right in the sack for a pork session?  Yeah, me either.

My girlfriend said, “You’re gonna be able to write a whole new hour of comedy in the bathroom later.  I said, “I’m going to name that special ‘8’”.

The waitress came out and said, “Is it too spicy?”  Which is like asking someone at the end of a marathon, “Hey, out for a little jog?”

She asked if we’d ordered Thai Spicy or another number.  We said 8.  And she said “Oh, Thai Spicy is 11 out of 10.”  I said, “What are you?  Spinal Thai?”

“Our food goes to 11.  And our customers keep exploding.”

My girlfriend said, “What was that all about?”  I said, “I’m pretty sure she just called us pussies, dear.  Keep eating.”

They also say spicy food is good for losing weight.  Well sure.  If someone is punching you in the face with every bite of food, you’ll probably eat less.

So we finally gave up, only getting about 2/3 of the way through the food.  And then the waitress has THE BALLS to bring us a bill.

Cuz you gotta pay the dominatrix.

The leftovers are still sitting in our fridge.  Waiting to strike.

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The Ramones Would Hate This

I Wanna Be Sedated Ramones cover by Phil Johnson and Roadside AttractionI woke up one morning in one of those mid-dream states and a bizarre version of the Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated” was rolling around in my head as a leftover.

Slowed down, acoustic guitar, big vocal harmonies…

Basically everything the Ramones didn’t stand for.

But it sounded so ridiculous in my head that I had to record it. And I’m always looking for an excuse to work on my vocal harmonies anyway. 🙂

How I Arranged The Ramones “I Wanna Be Sedated”

I hadn’t listened to the song in ages, but it’s a pretty easy one.  Basic I-IV-V rock and roll.  Of course.  I started working out the arrangement with a couple chord substitutions here and there, and then I realized I couldn’t remember all the lyrics.

I thought I couldn’t remember them until I looked them up.  Turns out, not a ton of words in this one.  And it’s a very repetitive song.  So I had to pull out some arrangement tricks to keep things interesting for the whole 4 minute arrangement.

If you listen to the vocal harmonies, they start lower than the main melody in the beginning and then use higher voicings in the second half of the song.  I also added tiny instrumental elements to help build the energy towards the end.  A little shaker, a tiny bit of kick drum.

When it came to the iconic one-note guitar solo I needed to find a way of retaining the reference to the original but also create something more interesting to listen to at this slowed down tempo.  I ended up keeping the droning E string and building a sweet little melody below it.

After finishing the recording, I realized another interesting way of doing “I Wanna Be Sedated” would have been to reverse that whole process and have the song go lower in energy as it progressed instead of higher.

In the end I felt like that might have been interesting, but also somewhat unsatisfying to listen to.  That and my to-do list of other projects staring me down. 🙂  But it could be something that pops up later.

Ok, here we go.  Check out my cover of “I Wanna Be Sedated” in the Spotify player below or find it on your favorite streaming music site.

Click here to get the song on iTunes.


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An American Sicko In London

University Hospital London

I walked right in this door and my eyeball fixed.

My girlfriend and I took a trip to London recently. Fantastic city and you’ll be hearing about it more in my shows this year.  Because I can’t take a vacation without getting 5 new minutes of comedy out it. 🙂

While I was there I managed to get Pink Eye. The lesson is to wash your hands after riding the Tube.  Also good dating advice.

Hoping to avoid doctors and medication all together I did a little research into which kinds of pink eye heal themselves and which need antibiotics.  Yes, there are different kinds.  And they’re all gross.  Used to get it all the time as a kid which is why I have the vision of a 102 year old in my right eye.

Viral pink eye doesn’t need medication and will heal itself in a week or so.  You can tell if the runoff from your eyeballs is clear.  Bacterial pink eye has the gooey runoff that sticks your eyelids together in the morning.  Even more gross and exactly what I had.  Medication needed.

Not the help I needed…

My first time sick in a foreign country, but I’d heard great things about the English medical system.  So I got on the phone to start getting some info.  Phone trees, on hold, verify my identity a thousand different ways.  I had a hard time understanding the lady I talked to and she didn’t really know anything anyway.

I was talking to my American health insurance company, Blue Cross, of course.  This was the international help line they told me to call if anything happened.

Me: Do I have medical coverage over here?
Her: I don’t know, sir. I don’t have access to your account.
Me: Why am I talking to you then?

She said she could email me a list of doctors in the area that would help me out, but had no idea if it would cost me money or not.  But if it did I could collect 100 different pieces of paper from the doctor and make a claim on my insurance.

Off to the Gynecologist to fix my eye…

The email was a 3 page list of doctors in London.  3 pages.  Easily close to 100 doctors.  As if I’d just googled “doctor in London”.  There were pediatricians and plastic surgeons on the list.  Pretty sure I saw a veterinarian.  Absolutely useless.

I was also instructed to call Blue Cross customer service to see if I had coverage.  But, of course, the 8 hour time difference meant they weren’t even open.

90 minutes into this ridiculousness I gave up.  There was a hospital attached to a medical school about 6 blocks from our flat.  We walked over to the ER there.  I told the guy at the counter what was up and he gave me a 1 page form to fill out.  1 easy page.

I said, “Will I have to pay anything to see the doctor?” and he looked at me liked I’d asked “Will the moon crash land in France tonight?”

“No, you probably won’t,” he said looking at me like “Dumb American…”

I saw an ER nurse who confirmed my self diagnosis.  She sent me to an eye doctor in Urgent Care.  We followed the plethora of signs to find our way there.  (The signage all over London is fantastic…)

The eye doctor also confirmed and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and told me to pay for it at the machine in the waiting room then go pick it up at the pharmacy.

I paid £8.40 for the prescription.  That’s about $10 US.  Look at that again.  It didn’t matter what kind of medicine I was getting.  They only charged you based on how many different ones you got.  Eyeball goo or Cancer meds… £8.40

Just in case you didn’t want to stab Martin Shrekli enough already…

We went to the pharmacy and picked the thing up and continued merrily on our vacation.  All I paid for was the meds.  And they were cheap. You can be damned sure I’m not going to bother claiming it on my US insurance.  The cheapest thing I did in London was see a doctor.  Amazing.

An easier pill to swallow…

Now of course the system has its problems.  It’s apparently financially delicate.  And they pay a lot in taxes over there. Sales tax alone is 20%.  But it’s already included in the price, not added on at the register.  So it’s easier to deal with.

But to not have to be worried about going broke AND being sick?  Fantastic.  Next time your doctor wants to charge you $700 for a little procedure, Get yourself a flight to London and do it there instead.

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Celebrities Everywhere! – The “I Wanna Rock” Lyric Video!

I Wanna Rock (Socially Responsibly) - New single from Phil Johnson and Roadside AttractionYou won’t believe the celebrities I’ve got in my new video!  Seriously, you won’t believe it.

While I’m working on a full-fledged video for “I Wanna Rock (Socially Responsibly)”, I put together a lyric video so you can follow along with all the jokey goodness.  And things move too.  Like a Harry Potter painting.  But, you know, video.

By the way, the “1 2 3 4” visual joke is one of my favorite things I’ve ever come up with that no one will get. See if you can figure it out.

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I Wanna Rock! (Socially Responsibly) – The most politically correct rock song ever.

I Wanna Rock (Socially Responsibly) - New single from Phil Johnson and Roadside AttractionIn case you’ve never looked at me, I have a background in hard rock and metal music.  LOVE the stuff.

But some of it hasn’t held up well over the years.  Some of the lyrics are downright unacceptable now.  Violent, sexist, homophobic… Not very politically correct..

So being a responsible modern adult white male (‘woke’ as the kids say…) I thought I should write a song in the style of that stuff I loved as a teenager, but with a more modern mindset about it.

So put on your faux leather pants, tease your hair up and spray it with non-aerosol hairspray, turn up your solar powered speakers, and snort some protein powder off a feminist stripper’s ass (she’s already graduated college and is just doing it to express her power over men)…

Here is “I Wanna Rock (Socially Responsibly)”!
Click the “buy” button to download the song or click “share” to help me spread the word!



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