I went for an eye exam the other day because I hadn’t had one in years. I don’t wear glasses or anything, but my right eye has been a mess since I was a kid. I managed to get some sort of eye infection in that same eye at least once a year. I’ll tell you, having one eye all puffy and glued closed really pulls in the ladies.
So, if I look at you just through my right eye, you’ll be a total blur and I can imagine you to be anything I want you to be. Just for the record, you’re usually a large cheeseburger.
My left eye has always been great. My girlfriend has had LASIK and I can still read stuff farther away than her. The last time I had to renew my driver’s license, they made me do the eye test. Left eye: F B N Q R T. Right eye: S..?..6..small furry mammal… Chinese character for “earthquake”… large cheeseburger.
And the DMV lady looked at me hard… And I just pictured having to come back, after getting glasses, and waiting 2 hours again despite having an “appointment”. And she said, “Ok, I’ll pass you.”
I’m not sure what qualifies a DMV clerk to make valid medical judgments about eye sight, but I kept my license and went on my merry way. If I hit a pedestrian, you can sue that lady for letting me back on the road.
But just over the last couple months, I noticed I’ve had to focus a little harder to see the sheet music in front of my face. So I went to have it checked out.
After the exam, that mostly seems like a field sobriety test you get to sit in a comfortable chair for, the doctor told me I’m near sighted in my right eye and far sighted in my left. She considered that a problem. I consider it Bionic Eyes. Right eye, microscope. Left eye, telephoto. Pretty sure Steve Austin had that too.
So I have a prescription for glasses. But for now I’m going to assume that I was bionically enhanced by a secret government agency while I was sleeping and I’m currently awaiting orders. Keep your eyes on the large cheeseburger…
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