My New Super Power

Me with glasses. And completely different DNA.

I went for an eye exam the other day because I hadn’t had one in years.  I don’t wear glasses or anything, but my right eye has been a mess since I was a kid. I managed to get some sort of eye infection in that same eye at least once a year.  I’ll tell you, having one eye all puffy and glued closed really pulls in the ladies.

So, if I look at you just through my right eye, you’ll be a total blur and I can imagine you to be anything I want you to be.  Just for the record, you’re usually a large cheeseburger.

My left eye has always been great. My girlfriend has had LASIK and I can still read stuff farther away than her.  The last time I had to renew my driver’s license, they made me do the eye test.  Left eye: F B N Q R T.  Right eye: S..?..6..small furry mammal… Chinese character for “earthquake”… large cheeseburger.

And the DMV lady looked at me hard… And I just pictured having to come back, after getting glasses, and waiting 2 hours again despite having an “appointment”.  And she said, “Ok, I’ll pass you.” 

I’m not sure what qualifies a DMV clerk to make valid medical judgments about eye sight, but I kept my license and went on my merry way.  If I hit a pedestrian, you can sue that lady for letting me back on the road.

But just over the last couple months, I noticed I’ve had to focus a little harder to see the sheet music in front of my face. So I went to have it checked out.

After the exam, that mostly seems like a field sobriety test you get to sit in a comfortable chair for, the doctor told me I’m near sighted in my right eye and far sighted in my left. She considered that a problem.  I consider it Bionic Eyes.  Right eye, microscope. Left eye, telephoto.  Pretty sure Steve Austin had that too.

So I have a prescription for glasses. But for now I’m going to assume that I was bionically enhanced by a secret government agency while I was sleeping and I’m currently awaiting orders.  Keep your eyes on the large cheeseburger…


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