My Songs In Terrible Movies

Tila Tequila

She’s a classy dame, that Tila…

Over the years I’ve licensed some of my songs for use in movies.  And people always ask me which movies?  To which I answer, “Terrible ones.”  I’ve been a part of films that would make Norbert look like Citizen Kane.  Films that make a YouTube cat video look like a Scorcese film.  Films that would make ask for a refund and then still gouge your own eyes out due to the retina damage.  Films that would make you actually prefer to watch Real Housewives of Miami.

A guy calls me one time and he’s making a vampire movie and wants to use my song “Rumpalicious Booty Shaker”.  It’s a big funky party song thing from my album Ribbed For Your Pleasure.

I’m thinking it might be the gritty story of suave and dangerous vampires infiltrating night clubs to seduce young women and then feed on them in the dark corners creating an atmosphere of terror in the city. It would show how the media sensationalizes violent acts for their own gain as well as the shame a city feels when it doesn’t even realize what’s going on in its own downtown.

Turns out THAT idea is still available.

After many months, my copy of the film arrives in the mail and my girlfriend and I settle on the couch to watch it because she likes vampire movies and I like things that make me money.

The first thing we notice is that it looks like it was financed through soda can recycling.  Like, four cans.  Strike one.

Then the star of the film pops up on screen… an “actress” named Tila Tequila.  You may have seen her as host of the show “Pants Off, Dance Off”, a reality competition show on the Fuse network for strippers in which there was no winner and no prize.  Even the show’s producers thought, “Who gives a shit who wins?”

Or maybe you remember her hit dance club track, “I Fucked The DJ”, a song whose artistic merits rival those of a recording of 13 year olds dry humping in corduroy pants.

But most people know her from her 2006 hostile takeover of MySpace in which she showed just enough boob to excite millions of teenage boys enough to friend her and become the #1 most popular person on the site.  She immediately cemented MySpace’s reputation as the internet’s biggest trailer park.

I assume the producer of this vampire film hoped she was actually as cheap as she appeared to be.  Apparently he was right.

The opening scene is a house party and the Oscar worthy dialogue is interspersed with none too subtle shots of the girls’ chests. Allow me to reenact…

“You guys are so totally funny!  Hey we should totally do another shot!  Yeah!”

(Boobs)

“Yeah!”

(Boobs)

“Yeah!”

(Boobs) 

For 20 minutes!  We haven’t seen any vampires yet.  No blood, no fangs, not even a frat boy named Van Helsing.

And it just goes to show how bad this film was that it actually made boobs tedious.

Finally the scene changes and we’re with Tila Tequila in the shower.  Why?  Do vampires shower?  Do they use Neck and Shoulders shampoo?  I mean, Bram Stoker never got into Dracula’s hygiene habits.  Sure, his hair was always shiny, but it might have just been oily.  Do vampires even sweat?  I don’t know.  I know they sparkle.  But I have no idea if they sweat.

My girlfriend says, “This guy really just wanted to make a porno and his wife wouldn’t let him, right?”  Yes, I think so.

So we’re about 40 minutes into this cinematic masterpiece and just waiting for my song to come on so we can turn the damn thing off.

In the next scene, one of the drunk girls wanders out of the party into the backyard.  She hikes up her skirt, squats down and….  boom, there’s my song.

I’m the peeing song?  Really?  This music director heard my song and thought “That’s squattin’ music!”  Music directors will often mark down key words for a song and I’m afraid he marked mine “gushy.”

I don’t want that kind of association with the song.  Those mental triggers stick with people.  I don’t want to be halfway through the song and have everyone leave to go to the bathroom.

On the positive side, I can say, “This song is so good you’ll wet your pants.”

Maybe we can even get a new dance craze going for it. The pee pee dance.

I just don’t want to have to autograph dirty Depends after the show.

So if you ever find a copy of that movie.  Please buy it… and pee on it.

To save you from having to watch the movie to hear the song, and to thank you for being one of my subscribers, I want to give it to you for free – No strings attached.

Download Rumpalicious Booty Shaker Here.
To save the file, right click and ‘save as’.  Or whatever you Mac people do.

If you like that song, you might consider checking out the rest of Ribbed For Your Pleasure – an eclectic joy ride through the world of music. 🙂

Also, so many people enjoyed this story that I told it on stage for the “Pretty From The Back” comedy special.  Check out the rest of it here.


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