Dear Ham, Jesus hates you.
It’s that time of year when grocery stores start putting out BBQ supplies and 4th of July decorations and all the department stores start blowing out bikinis to make room for winter coats! Easter!
Yep, it’s the day we celebrate the Romans brutally murdering a dude who seemed to be a nice enough guy and then he rises from the dead 3 days later and makes a guest appearance on The Walking Dead while spreading guilt throughout the world.
I love that entire religion is built on “For Dad’s sake… I died for your sins. The least you can do is come by my house once a week for some wine and lousy crackers.”
If there’s anything to love about the internet, it’s that you can post information that has no basis in reality and people will take it as gospel. Ah, interesting use of that word… Anyway…
With that in mind, I’d like to present my probably not even close to true little known facts about Easter.
1. The name “Easter” came from the pagan Feast of Ishtar, which celebrated the horrible 1987 movie starring Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman. Those pagans were really ahead of their time. They started calling one of the pagan fertility goddesses Ishtar because she kept trying to get all the gods to knock her up and never had much luck. She was also a failure at the “box office”.
2. Jesus was killed by nailing him to a cross between two other criminals on crosses. Those other guys never get a holiday. But if Jesus had been executed today it would be by lethal injection. So we’d all be wearing little syringes around our necks. That would make NA meeting really frickin’ awkward and hard.
3. Eggs are used as an Easter symbol because it’s the one day of the year when you have a day off with enough time to make some freakin’ breakfast for once, that’s not a bowl of crap cereal.
4. Eggs are also used because they are a symbol of fertility. They were brought into use after a couple years of failed “placenta hunts” for the kids.
5. A majority of people eat their chocolate bunnies ears first. I prefer to tie mine to a chair and waterboard it for information before slowly gnawing off its left knee.
6. The traditional Easter dinner is ham, which isn’t kosher. Jesus gets pissed every time you eat ham. Feel good about yourself now? Jesus looks at your meal and says, “Gross.”
7. Every year Americans buy 700 million Marshmallow Peeps. My dad eats 8 of them and the rest are used for packing fragile items to be mailed.
8. Yeast and leavened bread were considered unholy in Jesus’ day. So that dinner roll and lite beer you’re having with the ham? Good job. You’re pissing off Jesus again. Whatever, the dude probably has a problem with pie too.
9. Easter falls on the first full moon after the Spring Equinox. Because it’s totally not pagan. Seriously, it’s not. No, really.
10. Easter is the second biggest candy-eating occasion for North Americans, closely followed by “Wednesday.”
Enjoy your Easter kids!