How To Stick To Your New Year’s Resolutions

So, it’s January and you’ve decided you should stop mainlining heroin and staring at 14 year old girls at the mall.  Good for you!  Unfortunately, statistics and science say you’ll be back hitting on Britnee with a needle hanging from your arm by January 31st.

See, will power apparently doesn’t exist according to neuroscientists in this article:

Does that mean you’re doomed to a life of being a fat, chain smoking, disorganized, child beating, chronically masturbating loser?  Maybe… But let’s see if we can change that.

By the way, I’m no expert on this.  But if the web isn’t for people yakking about things they know nothing about, then I don’t know what it’s for.  That and I’m a comedian.  Caveat emptor…

The first step in keeping your resolutions is to realize what end result you really want.  Why do you want to lose weight?  So you feel better about yourself?  Easy!  Start hanging out with people fatter than you.  When two guys or two girls walk up together everyone notices who the hotter one is.  That’ll be you kitten!

Why do you want to quit smoking?  Because it makes your teeth yellow?  Get caps!  Because it makes your clothes smell?  Fabreeze those biatches!  Because your in danger of losing a lung?  Put on your own fashion show where wheeled oxygen tanks are year’s hottest new style!

It’s well known that 90% of resolutions are broken by January 31st.  We make them on the 1st because the year is all fresh and new and we want to feel fresh and new too.  Like a brand new bar of soap with no hairs stuck to it yet.

By the way, a new year’s resolution should not consist of waking up on Jan 1st in a stranger’s bed covered in vomit with a beer bottle in your ass and promising to “never drink again.”  Doesn’t count, Skippy.

I say, why limit yourself to just Jan 1st?  If you’re back to chronically stealing old ladies’ purses by Feb 1st, bust out a Groundhog Day Resolution!

In fact there’s a holiday of some sort every two to three weeks.  You can keep those resolutions fresh by re-upping on Administrative Assistants Day, Aviation Day (seriously, it’s August 19th), and United Nations Day.

How about this… Make a fun resolution for a change.  Vow to eat the biggest cheeseburger you can wrap your meat hooks around once a month.  When you’re not doing that, you’ll feel a heck of a lot healthier because you’re not sucking down a half ton of cardiac arrest that day.

And, of course, if you want some real advice, instead of a comedian spouting nonsense, check out these articles.,-What-You-Can-Do-About-It&id=392300

Phil Johnson

PS… Is one of your resolutions to finally download some of my music and comedy?  That’s an easy one!  Click here to get 8 free songs and comedy bits!

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