Heartwarming Children’s Movies of the Future

Prairie Voles are cute little monogamous creatures found in central North America.  Everyone in the little vole village is happily mated up and they go about their daily business of foraging for food and fending off predators (ie. coyotes, snakes, and anyone listed on MegansLaw.com).

But there’s one vole… let’s call him Valentino… who just can’t settle down.  Can’t find the right girl with just the right beady eyes.  Val has commitment issues and is the village outcast.  According to the book “How To Defeat Your Own Clone”, Val has a deficit of a hormone called vasopressin that keeps him from being monogamous.

Val, having already been genetically altered to be more self aware than the average vole, decides to strike out on his own to track down a vasopressin specialist.  During his travels he runs into a meadow vole village.  Meadow voles are horny little bastards and will mate with anything that moves.  Sodom and Gamorrah for the vole set.

Val starts to feel mighty at home in this den of vole sin and iniquity.  Maybe there’s even a large slug that rules the town with a dancing girl on a chain.  Maybe not, it’s been done.

But after a few months of getting smashed every night and screwing every pretty vole that wiggles her pointy nose at him, Valentino starts to thing there may be more to life than a hot piece of vole ass.  He needs love.  And another beer.  But then love.

He’s noticed one girl around town that doesn’t seem as loose as the others.  She’s shy and cute and sober.  Her name is Britqknee.  The Q and K are silent.  In this village, she’s the outcast because she doesn’t keep a pair of knee pads behind the bar like every other girl meadow vole in town.

Val sidles up to her one day on the street and offers to carry her groceries (since she only has short stubby vole arms) and walk her home.  It’s love at first sight.  But Val knows it won’t last for him because he’s hormonally deficient.   He swears to find a source of vasopressin and stay with her forever.

She knows a guy in her village that deals vasopressin on the sly.  He know fear of commitment is nothing that a little hormone and genetic therapy can’t help.  Because this is the scientific future, Val doesn’t have to go on some silly quest to get it.  He ponies up a credit card, gets a needs jabbed in his butt, and wanders off into the sunset with Britqknee back to his own village to live happily every after.

Ok, Disney… Get on that one.

Phil Johnson

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