Growing Your Eyelashes To Makeup For Missing Body Hair

In my shows I’ve talked about how in the next 300-400 years, human beings will be completely hairless.  And we certainly are hastening that process along.  Shaving, waxing, et al.  Especially for men.

Just 30 years ago, body hair on a man was a desirable feature.  Tom Selleck’s whole career was based on the fur farm on his chest.  A classic David Lee Roth poster had his shirt open to his waist and tufts of fuzz on full display.  Now every male model looks like a 12 year old boy with a hormone problem.

Now, I don’t know how the game works.  Are these dudes naturally hairless or are they using more Nair then their girlfriends?  Some we know.  Jon Bon Jovi’s chest didn’t just go bald sometime between 1988 and 2003.  If he did, then that’s a disease a lot of women would like to get on their legs.

But if young guys are coming up with less hair, then we’re seeing evolution in progress.  Hair has always been a protective feature.  Keeps you warm and protected from the elements, just like animals.  But now we’ve got central heating and air conditioning, plenty of clothing and snuggies.

Strangely enough, I see plenty of women who, though hairless for much longer in history, don’t take advantage of the clothing part.  Yes, I’m talking to you dum-dum in the halter top, miniskirt, and heels in 40 degree weather.

So we’re evolving out of our hair.  And trust me, it pains me to no end to think that “The Situation” could be a more evolved human than myself. It makes me think that somehow intellectual ability and body hair are somehow connected genetically.

We’re not giving it all up yet though.  Bald guys are just trendsetters.  The rest of us will catch up.  They’re ahead of the game.  Or a-head of the game.  (Boo!  Bad Phil!)

And while the ladies may like to see a smooth shaved chest, you can’t shave everything.  Eyebrows?  To quote Eddie Izzard… “Looking like a dickhead.”

And eyelashes… Nobody is shaving their eyelids yet.  That’s going to take a really forward thinking person with a lot of money and idiotic people that idolize them to pull that one off.

Not only are we not giving up on lashes, some women are actually growing them longer.  Yes, you can.  There’s a drug called Latisse, which doesn’t sound as much like a drug as it does a single mom with a ghetto booty.

I’d like to take this opportunity to say that if you’re that worried about the length of your lashes and you’re willing to spend money on potentially harmful medication to make them longer… you need a hobby.  And a severe blow to the head.

Ladies, no man has ever looked across the bar and said “Damn, look at the lashes on her!”  In case you’re misunderstanding, when he says you have nice headlights… Not your lashes he’s talking about.  You’re putting far too much confidence in the male perception abilities.  Remember when he didn’t realize you had a new dress?  Or a new hair color?  Or kissed that stripper thinking it was you?

The same company makes Botox and breast implants.  The company is called Allergan.  They should just call it Shallow Whore Inc.  You know, we all like to think we could never bomb a building like a terrorist.  But come on, Allergan headquarters?  We could get a flash mob together on Craigslist for that in no time.

And of course, the stuff has side effects.  It can permanently darken your eye color.  Either that or it’s just the shadow from your enormous vine-like eyelashes blocking the sun from ever reaching your retina.

You’re also warned that it can cause hair growth on other body parts it comes in contact with.  There you go bald guys!  Better than Rogaine!  Do not get it on your palms though!

And finally, it can also make your eyes red and itchy, plus permanently darken your eyelids.  And nothing is hotter than a girl that looks like a sleep-deprived stoner with eyelashes that sometimes accidentally get in her mouth. To quote a person who may be the trendsetter to shave her eyelids first…. That’s hot.

Phil Johnson

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