Eat Like Your Ancestors, Die Like Your Ancestors

There’s been a movement in the diet industry lately about “eat like our ancestors did.”  The Paleo Diet is one, but I’ve seen it mentioned in other diet plans too.

Umm… Those old cave men lived to about the age of 25.  I’d have been dead before I got out of college. Which is kind of funny when you watch some movie set in an ancient village society.  That wise old elder with the long white beard.  That dude is like 23 years old.   That’s the same guy drinking a PBR and staring at girls with lower back tattoos at the club on Saturday night.  He was the “wise elder”.  Possibly without the best eating habits either.

I wonder what the cave man equivalent of stale pizza and warm beer was…

In the 1800’s men were living until 45 years old or so.  Maybe I don’t want to eat like those guys?

Ok wait, I know the argument.  Ancient man died of disease and trauma, not high blood pressure and heart disease like we do now.  Maybe he just didn’t get the chance to get that far.  It’s not until the last 80 years that we’ve starting living this long.  Maybe there’s just new challenges at every level like a stupid video game.  We just haven’t found the heart disease power up yet. Maybe when we live to 120 our heads just start exploding for no reason.  Then we’ll have to find a cure for Head Explody Disease.

These caveman diets assert that since humans have only been eating carb-y grains for the last 200 years or so, we haven’t evolved to really be able to deal with them physically yet.  Well, if we cut them out, how are we ever going to evolve into them?  By scarfing a half pound of linguini in red sauce, I’m doing my part for human evolution.  Pretty damn selfless of me, don’t you think?

And all this living longer stuff has to be the reason for rising divorce rates.  If you were living in merry ‘ol England of the Middle Ages, you got married at 16 and were face down in your crumpets by 35.  Now, you get married at 22 and by 44 you’re waking up in the morning going, “Geez, are you still here?”  And you’ve only got another 40 years to go.

So I guess the moral of the story is, for the sake of future generations and the sanity of your wife (and her next husband), do your part for the human race… Eat up and die early.

Disclaimer… Ok, so I’m on a low carb diet too.  Not so selfless I guess. 🙂  If you’re wondering, I’ve dropped 15 lbs in the last couple months on the Slow Carb Diet in the book “4 Hour Body“.  If you’re not wondering, skip that last sentence.

Phil Johnson

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