Earth 2.0 Is Like A Lost Dozen Donuts


Mr. and Mrs. Earth. That’s Mrs Earth on the right.

So the NASA brainiacs recently discovered a planet, Kepler-452b, that they’ve dubbed Earth 2.0.  Of course it’s 1400 light years away.  So I wouldn’t start packing your bags and burning bridges just yet.

Sure the real estate there is still cheap.  But just try to find a buying agent.  Darn near impossible.  Though I can think of a few real estate agents I’d love to blast into outer space never to be seen again so she’ll stop leaving promotional crap on my front porch.

But let’s say we can whip the speed of light at some point.  Maybe this new rocket engine that can get you to the moon in 4 hours will lead to something.  The thing goes 60,000 mph. If I were Southwest Airlines, I’d start advertising 3 minute flights from San Francisco to New York.

You could land and still have peanuts left over to eat.  Jackasses wouldn’t even have time to get their shoes off and drop their stank feet into someone else’s airspace.

Let’s say we get to good ‘ol Kepler-452b.  I’m sure we’ll still call it Earth 2.0 because nobody can come up with decent names for stuff these days.  Certainly don’t let Hollywood try. They’ll just want to call it Transformers VII and immediately have a Happy Meal tie-in.

We’ll have some pros and cons to deal with.  First off, it has a rotation of 385 days.  That’s 20 more days in every year.  And THAT makes us all younger when we get there.  It drops about 3 years off my age.  For anyone looking for get on Comedy Central that age drop could make the difference between a primetime sketch show and being relegated to the Kepler Chucklehut.

But it’s not all Fountain of Youth.  Earth 2.0 also has a faster rotation.  That means more gravity.  Which means you’ll weigh more.  But maybe with your reinvigorated youth you can do a few more push ups (which will also be harder) to knock off the extra pounds.

Here’s a giant bonus… Kepler-452b probably doesn’t have kale yet.  So we can all be thankful for that.  I’ll happily be one of the first customers at an interstellar taqueria.  Of course that taqueria will be run by white people.  Mexicans won’t get there until there’s someone to rape.  (Ironic stab a Donald Trump, kids. I don’t actually think Mexicans rape people. – Way to kill the joke, Phil.)

But since Kepler-452b is still too far away for anyone to get to, it’s really just a promotional tactic for NASA to get more funding.  Which is fine.  The more they can prove people are excited about their findings, the more money they can get from the government and private interests. They have to sell what they do just like the rest of us.

Since we can’t possibly get there until Stewie Griffin invents something, Earth 2.0 is really just a tease right now.  That’s like telling me I can have a dozen donuts but I have to run a marathon to get them.  I won’t be eating any donuts that day, I assure you.

But maybe… just maybe… one day in our future (since we’ll all be living forever anyway), we’ll make it to Earth 2.0 or 3.0 or Revenge of the Earth… whatever they want to call it.  And on that day I pray that no Kardashians have beat us there.



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