Reasons For Colony Collapse Disorder

Suck it up bee! Back to work!

Colony Collapse Disorder is a thing that beekeepers have to deal with when a bunch of their bees skip town.  Kind of like when you call in sick on a work day and then go to the beach.  Except for you go back to work.  The bees move to Minnesota and live under and assumed name. 

It’s been happening in record numbers over the past few years which has beekeepers worried.  Because that’s their workforce.  Without bees they have to go around sucking on flowers themselves, which just looks weird and creepy for some reason.

This is a big problem thought because bees are responsible for 25-30% of the human food supply.  I mean, I’ve never seen a bee on a tractor, but I read that somewhere.

There are a few reasons that scientists have come up with as to why this is happening.  One study I read in Entertainment Weekly (not really..) said that it’s possible the bees are tired and overworked from being trucked around to different farms to pollinate constantly.  And since they haven’t figured out to unionize yet (plus their little protest signs are too small to read), they just get the hell out of Dodge and retire to a hidden bee retirement home in Florida.  I think this proves once and for all that migrant Mexicans are even harder workers than bees.

The second reason could be pesticides.  Yeah, that’s right, they’re thinking possibly that bug spray might be killing off bugs or driving them away.  Way to go geniuses.

The third reason being considered is their diet.  Bees live by eating their own honey.  Which is kinda gross if you know how it’s made.  Even grosser that we humans eat it.  That honey has been in some bee’s mouth after all.  It’s like you’re kissing every bee that bee has ever kissed.  If you start getting little yellow and black striped cold sores, don’t come running to me for help.

But what happens now is that all the honey gets sold out from under the bees and instead bee keepers are feeding them sugar water and corn syrup.  Because both those things have only made the human race better and healthier, right?  The bees are like, “Seriously, I can’t drink another Mountain Dew. I need a salad really bad.” 

Hey, I'm here to donate to the... What? Ok, I'll go now.

Hey, I’m here to donate to the… What? Ok, I’ll go now.

Now there are researchers at a university in Washington state that want to make sure our important species of bees stay around.  Like honey bees.  Not wasps.  Screw wasps.  Lazy bastards don’t create anything.

The researchers want to create a bee sperm bank so they have a repository to regenerate lagging bee populations through artificial insemination.  My first thought was “Ok, who gets to make a living jerking off bees?”  But it turns out to be pretty easy.  Since a drone’s only function is to mate, they’re real 2 Second Charlies.  The Queen must not need much foreplay, I guess. 

Basically, you just put a little pressure on their abdomen and syringe the stuff right out.  They don’t even need a magazine or anything.  Yeah, I’m kinda grossed out too, just writing that.  Don’t ever tell a man he makes love like a bee.

I just hope they give the bee his $20 after…

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