Good god, will the excitement ever stop? I'm sure South Wilkesboro is way less historic.

It seems like every single town I visit has an “historic downtown”.   Let me put it this way.  There are an estimated 25,000 cities and towns in the USA.  If you google “historic downtown” there are 25.2 million results.  That’s 1000 pages of historic downtown-ness for every burg, big or small, in the whole country.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love historical stuff.  If it’s really old, I want to see it.  If there’s a cool story attached to it, all the better.

According to dictionary.com, the word “historic” means “well known or important in history”.  Are we to believe that “Historic Downtown Millersburg” actually has some important place in American history?  According to the history page of Downtown Millersburg, absolutely nothing of consequence ever happened there.  They built some buildings.  And they’re just minutes away from Berlin, Ohio.  Calm down, I can hear you panting and getting excited from here.

I used to see a lot more “old downtown” signs.  But I think they’re all trying to get away from the world “old” because it maybe has a bad connotation?  Could we be suing cities all over the country for ageism?  That ought to garner some press.

“Old Downtown” is so much more truthful though.  “Look we never really did anything cool here, but there some old buildings to look at.  We’ve redone them all and they house nothing but thrift stores masquerading as antique shops.  And it doesn’t really look that old anymore.  But hey, give ‘er a look.”  I guess I’m missing the Chamber of Commerce sense of spin.

My favorite example… And I’m seriously kicking myself for not having a picture of it… is the sign I saw years ago in Windsor, CA that said, “Come visit our brand new Old Downtown!”  Apparently Microsoft Word doesn’t have a stupdity-checker alongside the spell-checker.

Time to visit Old Downtown Phil’s Kitchen and make some lunch.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Last weekend I was gigging in the Pacific Northwest and my drive home was from Moses Lake, WA back to Milpitas, CA.  That’s a 16 hour drive, my friends.  I like getting out of the open road and seeing the country.  But it starts to lose its appeal at about hour 12.  It was a nice, uneventful drive though.  Let me tell you the story of a different kind of drive…

This was January 2010.  I was on the road with my good friend Candy Churilla, doing gigs in Idaho and Montana.  The early shows had gone well and we were headed off for our last gig in Glasgow, Montana.  I’ll bet you didn’t know there was a Glasgow, Montana.  It’s so far north that we saw a sign that said “Canada – Turn Left.”

The drive from Billings to Glasgow should have taken us about 4 hours.  That’s a walk in the park when you’re doing road comedy.  But on this day it was snowing.  And I’m driving my little Toyota Corolla.  So we’re moving really slow to keep from sliding off the road.

About an hour into the drive we’re passing through a relatively populated area on their freeway and BOOM! we’re sliding off the road into a snow drift.  Fortunately we didn’t hit anyone as the traffic was still pretty sparse.  But we can’t get the car out of the drift on the side of the road.  So I call AAA to send a tow truck.  No biggie, we’ll be back on the road in no time.

While we’re waiting, a cop car pulls over and the officer asks if we’re ok.  We said we were just fine and waiting for a tow truck.  He very kindly asked if we’d like to wait in his police truck to stay warm until the tow truck comes.  In my head, I’m counting this as the very first time I’ve ever been HELPED by a cop.

So we go get warm in his truck and chatting about the crummy weather.  The cop turns to me and says, “You know I have to give you a ticket, right?”  Me, being a professional comedian with access to a large vocabulary and stock of witty comebacks said, “Huh?  Why?’

He said I was obviously going faster than a safe speed to have slid off the road.  This despite the fact that I was going 20 miles under the speed limit when it happened.  He lost his helping credit in my brain officially bringing the total of helpful cops back to zero.

Not only does he write me a ticket, but now we have to sit there with him for another 30 minutes until the tow truck shows up.  He’s still trying to make small talk to which Candy and I are responding with “Hmm, yeah.”  I wonder if, had we not been alright, and taken away in an ambulance for emergency surgery, if he would have followed behind us to give me a ticket in the recovery room.  I think yes.

Eventually the tow truck shows up.  We wave farewell to Officer Dickhead and we’re back on the road.  No problem.  Plenty of time to get there.

It’s snowing harder now and my tires are sliding a little bit, so I jump out and put the chains on the tires.  Now with chains you can’t go much more than 25 or 30 miles per hour.  I was going that speed anyway so I figured we could at least stick to the road better.

And the snow keeps coming.  We’re really in the middle of nowhere now.  There are no significant towns of any sort between Billings and Glasgow.  Who am I kidding?  Glasgow isn’t even a significant town.

At one point we’re on a two land highway with what I assume are fields on either side of us.  I have to assume because I can’t see more than about 15 feet in front of the car due to the sideways snow.  It was like being in a weird dream sequence from a bad sitcom.  Everything was white.  I couldn’t see more than a few feet on any side of us.  I look at my GPS and it says we have 150 miles to go.  At this point I’m driving about 15 miles per hour.  Hopeless doesn’t even begin to describe it.

You may be thinking at this point, “Are you really that addicted to performing?  Why not just cancel the show?”  Well, the booker, who had been calling us all day to make sure we were ok, told us that was an option.  However, we were approximately half way at this point and totally in the middle of nowhere.  Which meant we’d still have to drive a bunch just to find a place to sleep for the night.  Not to mention we wouldn’t get paid for the gig.  So, on we drove.

We made it out of that nasty bit after an hour or so.  I decided to take the chains off.  One of them was already broken and I didn’t want to further damage them in case we really needed them again.  I had dealt with the chains many times.  Easy to take off.  Just unlatch them, lay them flat, then drive the car off them.

But this time it didn’t work so easily.  One of them got tangled up in the axle.  Crap.  Called AAA again.  They asked where we were and we had absolutely no idea.  We had passed a little town about 15 miles back so we tried to figure it out based on that.  Thank god for GPS and cell phones.  Eventually we got the general idea and 45 minutes later a tow truck showed up.  He was prepared with wire cutters and all kinds of stuff.  However once he jacked up the car the chain untangled easily.  Yeah, I probably could have jacked it up myself and untangled it, but come on.  It was like 15 degrees out.

So we’re off again.  It’s still snowing and now it’s getting dark.  We’re driving into the hinterlands of northern Montana and there’s not a soul around.  Apparently other people aren’t stupid enough to drive in this kind of weather.  Pussies.

About 50 miles from Glasgow we’re on another tiny 2 lane road, it’s dark, and it’s snowing hard.  My headlights are making a lick of difference in seeing the road.  Once again, thank god for GPS.  I was actually following the green line on my GPS to see where the road was going to turn.  Literally driving by instruments like a pilot in a storm.  And going slooooooow.

Finally we saw some lights up ahead and a semblance of civilization.  We rolled into Glasgow at 8:00pm.  A full 12 hours after we started our journey in Billings.  A 12 hour drive on a clear day is tough to do.  This was beyond exhausting.  And show time was in a half hour.  We got set up, Candy downed a beer and hopped on stage while closed my eyes for a few minutes in a back room somewhere.

My opening line was “I’ve traveled to Glasgow, Scotland in less time than it took to get here today.”  And we were off.

The crowd was good.  They laughed long and hard and Candy and I both had really good sets.  Had it been any other way we may have killed someone.

The moral of this story, kids, is when a performer comes to town, for god’s sake buy something from them and make it worth the trip.   You can see my upcoming tour dates here.

Leave me a comment and tell me about your worst drive ever…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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I can haz classy fanz....

I’ve had this picture sitting on my computer for awhile and keep forgetting to post it.  Ya gotta love it…

By they way, that’s the club owner’s mom.   If you’re ever in Dublin, CA, stop by Bunjo’s Comedy Lounge and say hi to Isabel.  Speaking of which, I’ll be headlining there this Saturday the 6th, so come by if you’re in the area.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Hawaiian cuisine via a Montana secessionist compound.

I recently got back from my first trip to Hawaii.  My girlfriend and love to eat on any trip, though we’re not really foodies.  We’re too cheap to be real foodies.  But we do enjoy checking out the local cuisine.

She asked her more Hawaii-experienced friends what we should eat while there.  They said, “Ooh, they have macaroni salad and white rice and Spam!”

Really?  The best of Hawaiian cuisine resembles a 3rd grade potluck in Alabama?  Was there a Redneck Invasion sometime in Hawaii’s history?  Was Hawaii once a colony of Tennessee?

In a meat processing plant, there’s a guy that goes around at the end of the day and sweeps up the floor.  Then he puts it in a press-y thing and that’s Spam.  Leftover meat parts and probably bits of toilet paper.

My girl tried a thing called a Spam musubi.  It’s white rice, a slab of Spam, and wrapped in a seaweed leaf.  It’s like redneck sushi.  It makes me think of a Japanese guy with a confederate flag on his car.

And it was just as tasty as it sounds…

I know it’s a leftover influence from the military presences during WWII.  But here on the mainland we’ve been able to rid ourselves of lots of bad things, like polio and tuberculosis.  We’re still working on a vaccine to try and rid ourselves of Michael Bay.  But you’d think Hawaii could get it together to shun Spam a little.

I did try poi.  It’s a very traditional Hawaiian dish that consists of mashed up taro root and…. yeah, that’s it.  It kind of has the consistency of paste and the flavor of… paste.  5 year olds all around me were asking their parents why they paid for this trip when they could have eaten paste at home.

Our bus driver said people will often flavor their poi with sugar or Sriracha sauce.  If that’s the case, you my as well just eat the flavored paste.

I will give them this… The Hawaiians know how to do pork.  That whole put it in the ground for 8 hours thing… Delicious.

Everyone told us to try shave ice there too.  They were raving about it.  It’s a sno-cone.  Like you get at a carnival.  We tried a mango one.  If your culture’s best cuisine could be mistake for yellow snow, maybe it’s time to work a little harder at it.

That didn’t stop me from having 5 or 6 more during the trip though.

Next trip, we need to really pick a place with something to serve.  Our last trip off the mainland was to Scotland.  There’s a reason they’re known for their whiskey.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Rolling up behind me is a dude in a BMW or Mercedes… because it’s ALWAYS a Beamer or a Mercedes.  And he flashes his lights at me.

What he’s saying by flashing his lights is “I have an expensive car and I like to go fast and can’t be bothered to turn my wheel slightly to the right to go around you because you are but a plebeian while I drive a fancy car that I probably can’t really afford and I’m really just leasing, and you, little Toyota, should move out of my way as if I were a Japanese emperor proceeding to my temple.”

Or more succinctly, “Flash, flash… I am an asshole.”

Don’t get me wrong.  If someone is behind me and wants to go faster, I’ll move over if there’s room.  But when I get the light flash?  I will miss my exit if it means I can stay in front that jackass for another few miles.

I’ve never been good at taking orders, particularly when I don’t see the point of them.  It’s why I’d have been terrible in the military.  No drill sergeant ever said, “Would you mind dropping and giving me 20?  It will be good for your health and morale.”

My girlfriend says I have a problem with authority.  Which worries her because she’d really like to be the authority in our house.

It’s not authority though.  I’m a natural contrarian and I don’t respond well to orders.  I can be a passive aggressive contrarian too.  Stealthy and annoying all at the same time.  It’s a time saver.  It’s very Zen to do nothing in the face of an idiot hollering orders.

So now I shall drive to a comedy club to play some music tonight.  And woe to the jerkoff that flashes his lights behind me.  We’ll both be late.

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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Anyway, I’m reading about how Motley Crue came together and got their start.  Got me thinking about how my own band started.  As with anything like this it was pretty low key.  But people ask about it periodically, so here’s the story…

I was going to a community college after high school in 1991 or 92.  I had talked about having a band all through high school and never got around to it.  I was on the outs with my girlfriend at the time and she was dating this guy named Brandon May.  He was a bass player looking to form a band.  She mentioned me and introduced us.

I didn’t really care what kind of band it was, so long as it was a band.  So Brandon came over to my house and sat down in our little music room.  I sat on the piano bench and said, “So… What kind of band are we?”  He said, “What do you mean?”

I said, “This kind?”, and played a sort of Motley Crue style riff.  “Or this kind?”, and played a more thrash metal, Metallica style thing.  He thought for a second and said, “Uh, the first one.”  And that’s how we decided on our sound.  Had we decided the other direction, things may have been considerably different along the way.

It’s funny to me now that those were the only two choices in my head.  It’s kind of like saying “Are we country or western?”

And that was the beginning.  We brought in Brad Springer to play 2nd guitar, Bill McCord to sing, and a guy named Avery to play drums, and a band was born.

Oh, and the name?  Our original name was “Confused?”  Yep, with the question mark.  When we found out about another band using the same name we went through some others… Confused Beyond Belief, Brimstone, and some other dopey ones, before landing on Roadside Attraction.  And of course I’ve stuck with that through five bass players, four or five singers, eight drummers, and a couple other guitarists.

My favorite memory of the early days?  We used to rehearse on Sundays in my mom’s daycare room.  The local Weinerschnitzel had 25 cent mustard dogs and Sundays and we’d order 30 of them for lunch.  The look on their face was always priceless.  Another time on another Sunday rehearsal, I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before.  We were playing a ballad and I fell asleep during the song, and kept playing!  I woke up just in time for my solo and didn’t miss a note. 

Oh, and here’s what the current version of the group sounds like…

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

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So, today, some pictures from a comedy short I filmed last weekend called Pool Pirates.  You’re going to love this thing when it’s released.  Very funny, very Monty Python type of humor.

Anybody who knows me knows I’ve been a pirate nerd since I was a kid.  So this was an exciting part to play in this awesome little film.

Here’s a little bit of commentary of mine on Talk Like A Pirate Day…

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I have a rule in life… Don’t walk in front of something that weighs 11 times my own weight.  Like a car.  I think it’s a good rule and it’s kept me alive so far.  I’ve noticed that people in states outside of California also have this rule.  And it’s kept them alive too.  People inside California think that the magic traffic fairies will stop a moving vehicle coming at them if they just blindly walk in front of it.  There is no slower drive in the world that trying to get through a Costco parking lot with every yahoo trucking their cart full of two-packs to their car.

Yes, understand that the law says a pedestrian has the right of way.  However evolution favors those who don’t throw themselves in front of moving vehicles.  I know which side I’m on.

Something else I’ve noticed, which is utterly unrelated, is that other states, even the “conservative” ones, are much freer with the advertising for their adult novelty stores.  Here in California they’re hidden in the back of strip mall in a sketchy part of town.  In other states they’re right off the freeway like a gas station or grocery store.  “Gas, Lodging, and Dildos – next 3 exits”.  And they’re HUGE!  These aren’t tiny little boutiques.  They’re expansive places, about the size of a large auto parts store… and probably with more horsepower.  (whorespower?)

Not only that, but they have huge billboards on the freeway.  I’ve never seen a billboard for Good Vibrations here in CA and they’re probably the most mainstream place.  The best one I’ve seen was in Wisconsin for an Adult Novelty Store and Bakery.  Seriously.  It said “Toys, DVDs, Bondage, Cupcakes” .  I don’t even know what to say to that.  It’s either a brilliant business plan or a health department disaster.

“Hey Honey, Can you pick up JR’s birthday cake?  Oh, and get yourself a little something while you’re there too.”

Make of it what you will….

Phil Johnson
http://www.RoadsideAttraction.com

PS… Did you get your 8 free songs yet?  It’s as obvious as not walking in front of a moving vehicle… http://www.roadsideattraction.com/8-free-songs

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Anyway, the event was fantastic.  On Saturday I saw the presentation on new theme park rides and updates.  Disney World is getting a bunch of new stuff in Fantasyland, but most of it is princess based.  DCA of course is getting Carsland, which looks like it will have some cool things.  There will be the Radiator Springs Raceway which is akin to Test Track at WDW.  But even longer and faster according to the imagineers.  There will also be an updated version of the classic flying saucer ride, but with tire shaped vehicles.  And a better operating system to make it more successful than the short lived version in the early 60′s.  My mother will be thrilled.  She’s told me about those things my whole life.

Disneyland itself will be getting an updated 3D version of Star Tours.  See the pic below for the spectacle when they announced that one.  It will be open in 2011.  They showed us a clip from the new ride.  A podrace in 3D.  Cool, but I’d really like to see them build a good new E ticket in the magic kingdom.  Maybe after they finish trying to salvage DCA.

Ran into my good friend and fellow comedian Tim Babb on Saturday too.  I knew he had to be there.

I also saw a great panel of imagineers talking about how they got into the business.  Basically there’s so many disciplines in that department that everyone got there a different way.  Above all, passion and a willingness to go into territory you hadn’t thought of or don’t know much about.

“Growing Up Disney” was a good panel with Roy Patrick Disney, Roy O’s grandson.  It was fun to hear family stories from someone on the inside.  Everyone was a little bummed that Roy E didn’t make an appearance though.

“Disney’s Lost Chords” was a fantastic concert featuring songs that didn’t make it into Disney films for whatever reason.  They were performed by the Disney Cast Member Choir.  When a movie goes into production they write several songs before they get to the ones that make it in.  These didn’t, usually due to a change in feel or direction of the movie.

The live auction on Saturday night was really cool.  There’s some very wealthy Disney fans out there that I’d like to know better….. The first auction went for $4000.  The 2nd for $6000.  The Peter Pan ride vehicle sold for $35,000.  To answer your question, nope, I didn’t bid on anything.  Crazy prices.  But fun to watch.  One highlight was seeing some of the original mousketeers come out to model some couture mouse ears that were up for auction.

Following that I saw a screening of the new BlueRay version of Sleeping Beauty.  It looks really fantastic.  Always nice to see Disney films on the big screen.  Had a nice time talking to two Disney fans in line.  One guy from Virginia.  And the other all the way from Australia.  Mary Costa ( the voice of Aurora) and one of the animators (whose name I’m spacing on – but he animated the three fairies) were on hand to talk about the film before it started.  Mary Costa stuck around to sign autographs afterward, but the line was literally 3 hours long to get to her.  I waited for an hour and gave up.

On Sunday, John Lasseter gave us the rundown on new Disney and Pixar films coming out.  No big surprises here.  We saw a clip of Princess and the Frog, which I’m very excited to see.  Rapunzel is still in production.  Cars 2 and 4 (count ‘em!) 4 new straight to video Tinkerbell movies.  We also saw a trailer for the new Toy Story 3 which looks good.  And a couple of new Cars shorts.  Mater has really taken the lead role in the Cars world.  I like the character, but I’m not a big Larry The Cable Guy fan.

“The Science Of Imagineering” was a show that was originally given at the New York Science Fair last year.  It was interesting, but a little too kid oriented.  I think many in the audience would have like to seen fewer corny jokes, and a little more adult and detailed explanations of the some of the scientific principles involved in ride design.  You could see the looks on the imagineers faces when a few of the jokes hit the ground with a thud.  Welcome to my world, imagineers.

Just before I left, I had a nice conversation with the head of the Courvoisier Gallery and S/R Labs, Ron Stark.  He summed up the whole event well.  It’s about passion.

I was amazed and happy to see how accessible many of the Disney people were.  Tony Baxter was sitting int he row behind me at the Sleeping Beauty screening.  As if he hasn’t seen it a zillion times.  Dave Smith was in the audience at almost every presentation I went to.  And he even waited in line with the rest of us peons.  The passion was evident in every person presenting anything.  It was quite inspiring.

And the passion of the people attending was no less.  Everyone wanted to honor these people in any way they could.  There was applause anytime a name was mentioned during a panel discussion.  They applauded every title screen of credits during the films.  I saw three teenage girls going out of their minds that they got to meet Mary Costa.

And everyone was pleasant and willing to chat and meet new people.  I sat with an older, very conservative looking couple, at the Lost Chords concert.  People who normally wouldn’t think to chat with a guy that looks like me.  But we struck up a quick conversation and had a great time.  There were people there of all races, ages, and economic levels.  None of whom looked askance at one of another because we were all on the same wavelength.

Amazing what art can do… I can’t wait to go again next year.

Here’s some more pics from event:

This is the main arena just before the presentation of the new rides and updates at
the theme parks.

Here’s a couple of Stormtroopers with mouse ears on.  The one on the left was just
taking her helmet off.  Yep… her…. Female storm trooper.  Many geeks now have a
new fantasy.

Here’s the full size Cinderella’s pumpkin carriage from the Disney Weddings booth.

This is Disney legend Marty Sklar moderating the “So You Want To Be An Imagineer” panel.

At the Lego booth, they created these amazing portraits completely out of Legos
over the 4 days of the convention.  The panel in the middle is the “official” event painting
of the event.  The guy on the left is the artist that created it.  And he got to put in the final lego.

If you don’t know, you better ask someone….

There was no end to the incredible art by both Disney and Non-Disney artists.  These
next two were at the Barker Animation booth.

When they announced that Star Tours would be closing (temporarily), a contingent of
stormtroopers and Darth Vader himself arrived to demand of Jay Rasulo (Parks and Resorts chairman that the opening date be moved
up two years in order to appease the emperor.

This castle was constructed entirely of canned foods donated during the event for an
Orange County charity.

Update… Mary Costa’s publicist found my post and discovered that I wasn’t able to get her autograph at the event.  So she sent me a lovely autographed photo by mail and it’s now hanging prominently in my office.   Thanks Mary!

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

MP3 Song of the Day: “Happiest Place On Earth” from my DVD “What Color Is Your Laugh?”
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So, today is halfway through the inaugural D23 Expo in Anaheim, CA.  Overall, it’s been
a very enjoyable experience.  I arrived at 10am on Thursday and, in traditional Disney fashion,
immediately stood in line.

My first event was getting into the Disney Legends ceremony, which until this year has never
been open to the public.  Very cool to watch Robin Williams, Betty White, Don Iwerks,
Tony Anselmo (voice of Donald Duck), and Bill Farmer (voice of Goofy) get their awards.

Though I was able to sneak my camera in, I unfortunately wasn’t able to get any good pics.
Too blurry.

The Expo floor itself is quite good.  Lots of amazing art and collectibles.  Most of which I can’t afford.  I’ll be restraining myself to a tshirt and possibly a good Peter Pan movie poster.

The best part so far has been the presentations.  Today I saw an imagineer talking about the different Haunted Mansion rides.  Also one with a selection of composers that have written for Disney rides, films, and shows.   Missed out on the Disney Rarities screening where they’re showing some rare shorts that haven’t been seen in 60 years.  The room was full by the time I got there.

Earlier today they were screening previews of upcoming films and I decided to skip it.  Found out later that a variety of special guests made appearances: Tim Burton, John Travolta, Nicholas Cage, Kelly Preston, and in full Jack Sparrow garb, Johnny Depp.

They Disney Treasures gallery is pretty cool, but not as much as expected.  Some great items like the production model of the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues under the sea.  Some macquettes from Pinnochio.  But mostly costumes.  And for some reason I don’t really care about seeing a dress from the Princess Diaries.

Tomorrow night is the big auction.  I will not be bidding, but I’m hoping to get in to watch.  They auctioning experience type events, jewelry, and even a ride car from Peter Pan.  There’s also a fantastic full size recreation of the Hat Box Ghost.

I have to run to do a last minute show at the House Of Blues tonight, but here’s some pics and I’ll write more early next week.

There’s a new collectible called Vinylmation figures.  Some artists are doing
some really cool things with them, like this Stich figure.

There’s a section of Disney princess art done by Disney’s
own consumer products artists.  I really like this one
that places Snow White in a Haunted Mansion stretch
painting.

There’s a whole section on new stuff happening in the parks.  Since they’re
refreshing the presidents, here’s what Abraham Lincoln looks like naked.
(Some weirdo will find this pic after googling “naked abraham lincoln”)

Yep, this lady is actually interviewing a trash can.  Fortunately, it was responding.
Pretty funny little robot.  And just seconds after I snapped this, some oblivious yahoo
walked up and put some dirty napkins in it.

This pleasant gentlemen is Dave Smith.  If you’re not among the initiated, Dave is the head
of the Disney company archives.  He knows more about the company than anyone in the world.
I read his books and articles regularly, so it was great to get to meet him.

More soon!

Phil Johnson
www.RoadsideAttraction.com

Song of the Day: Share My Pixie Dust
A Disney-inspired song about how to make an unexpected relationship work.  You need faith, trust, and…

Hear more of my songs with 8 free downloads at http://www.roadsideattraction.com/8-free-songs

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