This is my bucket. There are many like it, but this one is mine… Not really. I just found this picture.

I had planned on writing about the top 10 goals on my career bucket list.  Turns out there aren’t 10.  There are just 3. I figure any other goals would be a lead up to these three anyway. 

And of course, these are just the career goals.  There are others having to do finances, possessions, relationships, etc… But those are none of your damn business. 🙂  But they pretty much sum up to be “healthy, wealthy, and wise.”  And a Corvette.  I’ve always wanted a Corvette.  Which means I’ll need to add “learn to drive a stick” to one of those goal lists.

1. Headline a sold out show at either The Fillmore or The Warfield Theater

There’s nothing like rising to the top of the food chain in your home area. It’s that “Look Ma! I made it!” feeling of being the big fish.  And anyone who has been to concerts at either of these venerable San Francisco venues knows how awesome they are.  The Warfield holds 2300 people and the Fillmore holds 1200. 

Guess I’ll need to get to work on my San Francisco draw…  So uh, tell your friends about me, ok?

2. Tour in Europe and Asia

Part of the reason I do this job is for the travel.  Granted, I don’t always get to go to the most awesome towns, but I still enjoy seeing new places and seeing what they have to offer.  Playing on another continent also really gives you a feel for how universal your art might be. To find out if the stuff I say only matters to people here or if it might mean something to someone else too.

Ok, maybe the Pottery Barn joke won’t fly in Germany.  But I’m definitely doing the Pearl Harbor material in Japan…

3. Do a voice and/or write a song for a Disney film

Yes, seriously… If you know anything about me, you’ve probably heard me spouting about Disney stuff at some point.  And you might be thinking that Disney might not want to work with a person who wrote a song called “Bad Porno Sex”.

But if you look at Disney’s track record of comedians they’ve worked with?  Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt, Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook…. Those are two very good comedians.  (You pick your two. Nobody likes all four of those people…)  And all pretty edgy.

Robert Lopez, who wrote the music for both Avenue Q and Book of Mormon, also wrote music for the last Winnie the Pooh movie and Disney’s upcoming film Frozen.  If a guy that wrote “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” and “The Internet Is For Porn” can get a gig with Disney, betcha I can too. 🙂

And I just heard recently that Disney animators used the figure of Divine (of the John Waters films) as inspiration for Ursula the Sea Witch in The Little Mermaid.  So Disney is definitely open to getting inspiration from “less savory” sources. 🙂

So yeah, I want to do that.

And that’s pretty much it.  Everything else I might accomplish leads up to those three things.  Any TV appearances, or movies, or college gigs, getting representation, viral videos… None of it really interests me all that much.  But they are steps on the way to those three marks. 

And when I hit those three goals?  I’m sure I can come up with some new ones.  I’m not really good at relaxing.