Baseball – It’s not a sport if you can eat at the same time…

The average MLB player's salary is 4 million per year. Take a look at that picture again.

The average MLB player’s salary is 4 million per year. Take a look at that picture again.

The Wall Street Journal did a study showing that a 3 hour baseball game only has 18 minutes of actual action. The rest is pretty much standing around.

That would be like me telling a joke and then hanging out for 6 minutes spitting and adjusting my jock strap. And they make 100 times more money than I do.

The moral of this story is: Don’t do math. It’s depressing.

So why do these ball players feel the need to use steroids?

I can see where it makes sense in professional bicycling. Those guys ride bikes 2000 miles. If you’re going to get on a bike and ride from here to Cleveland, rhoid up man. A 5-hour energy shot won’t do the job.

It’s only 90 feet to 1st base.  If he hits a homer, the most he’s running is 360 feet.  And that would probably be at a slow jog.

And that’s if he hits the ball at all. He may swing the bat three times, miss all of them, and just go sit down again. Or maybe the pitcher will screw up and he’ll get to walk to first base. Not run, just walk. Have a little stroll to first base. Sashay to first base.

You need steroids for that?

You’ll see the outfielder chewing sunflower seeds. You don’t need steroids for any sport where you can eat while you’re playing. In fact, I have trouble calling it a sport if you can eat while you’re playing. You’ll never see a tennis player trying to return a serve and getting down with some beef jerky.

I can’t eat and do comedy at the same time. If I was up there on stage with some nachos, you’d be like “Hey, you might want to try a little harder.”

You want action? Go see roller derby.


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