Baby Helmets to Avoid The Dangers of Sleep

Help us! We look like lost extras from Tron!

I was recently exposed to the idea of baby helmets.  My first response was “WHAAAT!”  Of course, there are different kinds of baby helmets.  If you’re taking the kid on the back of your bike for a ride, definitely strap them up.

Then I saw Thudguard… Holy Overprotective Parent Batman.  Tell me something… Did you ever fall down when you were a kid?  Get a little bump?  Did affect your growth patterns and turn you into an adult moron?  I thought not.  Unless of course, you’re forking out $25 for one of these helmets.  Then yes, you are a moron.

But the bigger helmet element here, and the one I was talking with my friends about, are the helmets that help to counteract plagiocephaly in infants.  That’s when you kid ends up with a flat spot on their head from lying on their back for too long.  And god forbid your kid doesn’t have a perfectly round Charlie Brown head.  He’ll never get a good job or a hat that fits well, obviously.

And the reason babies are on their back so much?  They think it helps to prevent SIDS.  They have no actual proof of this because they still have no idea what causes SIDS.  But since this back sleeping thing has come into vogue, SIDS deaths have decreased 30%.  But then again, there could be other factors that changed too.

So the kid sleeps on its back to prevent SIDS.  But then it gets a flat head and has to wear a special helmet to sleep… Did you hear me?  It’s so dangerous to sleep now that babies have to wear helmets….. to sleep.  It’s not bad enough that kids have to wear protective gear for absolutely everything now… Now sleeping is dangerous.  Laying in one spot is for a few hours is dangerous.  I don’t know… the sentence just doesn’t make sense to me no matter how I write it.

Ok, look before we go on… On a serious note.  If this crap really worries you as a parent, please look at this link from the organization that invented this helmet treatment and shows you how to avoid it in the first place.

And if you, as a parent, are worried about sleep being dangerous, you better buy some good liquor.  You’re going to need some way to relax when you’re kid gets their first drivers license.  You will be a fucking basket case.

Look, this is a cosmetic thing.  Nothing I read said anything about a lumpy head being harmful to the health of the child.  However, there are companies out there that would love to jack you to tune of up to $3000 for a helmet to fix little Flatty Flathead.  Yeah, I didn’t accidentally hit extra zeros on that.  3 G’s, buddy boy.  The lowest price I saw was $600.

You can get your baby a bike helmet for $30.  Why does the sleeping helmet have to cost as much as a 2002 Corolla?  Because scared parents are stupid enough to pay for them.  Ta-da!

The companies participating in this masquerade should be ashamed of themselves.  Apparently insurance companies won’t cover these things.  So parents have to come out of pocket for this.  If I handed anyone a $3000 piece of plastic, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in a mirror.

So the kid has to wear a helmet to sleep.  Then a helmet to learn how to walk during the day.  Another helmet when riding the bike with Dad.  The result?  Yeah, I’m sure we’ll hear about Baby Pattern Baldness next.  They’ll have to put out a little brightly colored box of Rogaine For Kids.

The whole thing just smacks of a duct tape and velcro fix for this.  The human body is a miraculous engine that has checks and balances for most functions.  Chances are there’s a way to keep your kid from mangling his melon without being ripped off by some quack company.  Like hey, pay attention to your kid and flip them over once in awhile.  And then put that 3 grand in a college account for them.  Lumpy brains still work.

This whole thing could change playground teasing forever.  Instead of “Ha ha, he wears a helmet!” it will turn into “Ha ha, he STILL wears a helmet.”

Other Blogs On This Subject


    Baby Helmets to Avoid The Dangers of Sleep — 2 Comments

    1. I have a couple questions…..
      1. Do you have any children?
      2. If you do would you not do anything ( within your power) to to make sure they have the best life possible?

      If you don’t have any children then you could not understand. Obviously you don’t have all the information. There are children that suffer from severe plagiocephally. Some extreme situations affect vision & hearing. If you do not have children I don’t think you need to have an opinion on this subject. If anything doctors need to make new parents aware of Plagiocephally since the Back is Best campaigne started. Not once did anyone inform us about this Plagiocephally with our premature baby!

      • Hi Kristin.. Thanks for your comment. Anything concerning children is always a hot button issue. I’m sorry your baby has to deal with a severe case of Plagiocephally. My issue is not that the condition exists. Though, like I said, nothing that I read mentioned anything about the affliction causing any severe damage except cosmetic changes. You are obviously much more up on the subject and I appreciate your input. But first…

        1. No I don’t have kids. But I grew up in my mother’s day care center with hundreds of them over the years.
        2. I would try to make sure they had the best life possible. But that wouldn’t include shielding them from every little tiny “danger” in the world and blowing $3000 that could be better used in their college fund, when I could instead just turn them over every so often.

        And fortunately, due to free will and free speech, I’m allowed to have an opinion of anything I like. Not to mention, I’m a professional comedian and it’s my job to have an opinion on different subjects and call BS when I see it.

        You see, my problem isn’t with you, or the affliction, or the helmets even… for kids who actually need them. I have a huge problem with the fear mongering of the medical industry when they take advantage of parents of kids who are absolutely fine and still try to sell them a $3000 helmet “just in case”. It’s profiteering at it’s most disgusting. I think you would agree that they are obscenely overpriced. And, as I said, it’s smacks of a being a band-aid cure that will just cause further problems (that I’m sure they’ll have another expensive solution for…) Just think how uncomfortable you would be sleeping on your back in a helmet all night. I see a lot of neck problems in the future.

        Your baby, being premature, should have further precautions taken. My issue is with doctors scaring the hell out of new parents of perfectly healthy babies by telling them about things that “might” happen to they can sell them stuff. I’m quite sure they don’t mention possible afflictions they don’t have a product for. And they shouldn’t. The kid is getting regular well-baby check ups. A doctor can bring it up when it needs to be brought up and not any other time. But again, fear sells products.

        Thank you for your comment Kristin.

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *