I was recently exposed to the idea of baby helmets. My first response was “WHAAAT!” Of course, there are different kinds of baby helmets. If you’re taking the kid on the back of your bike for a ride, definitely strap them up.
Then I saw Thudguard… Holy Overprotective Parent Batman. Tell me something… Did you ever fall down when you were a kid? Get a little bump? Did affect your growth patterns and turn you into an adult moron? I thought not. Unless of course, you’re forking out $25 for one of these helmets. Then yes, you are a moron.
But the bigger helmet element here, and the one I was talking with my friends about, are the helmets that help to counteract plagiocephaly in infants. That’s when you kid ends up with a flat spot on their head from lying on their back for too long. And god forbid your kid doesn’t have a perfectly round Charlie Brown head. He’ll never get a good job or a hat that fits well, obviously.
And the reason babies are on their back so much? They think it helps to prevent SIDS. They have no actual proof of this because they still have no idea what causes SIDS. But since this back sleeping thing has come into vogue, SIDS deaths have decreased 30%. But then again, there could be other factors that changed too.
So the kid sleeps on its back to prevent SIDS. But then it gets a flat head and has to wear a special helmet to sleep… Did you hear me? It’s so dangerous to sleep now that babies have to wear helmets….. to sleep. It’s not bad enough that kids have to wear protective gear for absolutely everything now… Now sleeping is dangerous. Laying in one spot is for a few hours is dangerous. I don’t know… the sentence just doesn’t make sense to me no matter how I write it.
Ok, look before we go on… On a serious note. If this crap really worries you as a parent, please look at this link from the organization that invented this helmet treatment and shows you how to avoid it in the first place.
And if you, as a parent, are worried about sleep being dangerous, you better buy some good liquor. You’re going to need some way to relax when you’re kid gets their first drivers license. You will be a fucking basket case.
Look, this is a cosmetic thing. Nothing I read said anything about a lumpy head being harmful to the health of the child. However, there are companies out there that would love to jack you to tune of up to $3000 for a helmet to fix little Flatty Flathead. Yeah, I didn’t accidentally hit extra zeros on that. 3 G’s, buddy boy. The lowest price I saw was $600.
You can get your baby a bike helmet for $30. Why does the sleeping helmet have to cost as much as a 2002 Corolla? Because scared parents are stupid enough to pay for them. Ta-da!
The companies participating in this masquerade should be ashamed of themselves. Apparently insurance companies won’t cover these things. So parents have to come out of pocket for this. If I handed anyone a $3000 piece of plastic, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in a mirror.
So the kid has to wear a helmet to sleep. Then a helmet to learn how to walk during the day. Another helmet when riding the bike with Dad. The result? Yeah, I’m sure we’ll hear about Baby Pattern Baldness next. They’ll have to put out a little brightly colored box of Rogaine For Kids.
The whole thing just smacks of a duct tape and velcro fix for this. The human body is a miraculous engine that has checks and balances for most functions. Chances are there’s a way to keep your kid from mangling his melon without being ripped off by some quack company. Like hey, pay attention to your kid and flip them over once in awhile. And then put that 3 grand in a college account for them. Lumpy brains still work.
This whole thing could change playground teasing forever. Instead of “Ha ha, he wears a helmet!” it will turn into “Ha ha, he STILL wears a helmet.”