Athleticism Is For Suckers

Phil Body BuilderI’ve been trying to lose some weight.  I’m not too bad off, but I could lose 15 pounds or so.  I’d like to be able to tuck my shirt in without looking like a before picture.

My girlfriend read in some stupid magazine that if your man suddenly starts trying to get in shape, he’s cheating on you.  Nonsense.  If he’s cheating on you, he’s already tricked some other chick into sleeping with his fat ass.

Ladies, you can’t believe anything in those women’s magazines.  They also tell you you’re supposed to weigh 80 pounds, 60 of which should be your boobs.

So she asked me why I’m doing it then.  I said I want to look nicer for her and feel better for me.  Besides it kind of pulls me out of the moment when my back fat jiggles during sex.

If my back is making the same motion as her boobs, problem Chuckie.

Besides, we’re all being constantly told to exercise more.  Eat better.  And then you watch the Olympics to get inspired to be more athletic and hear the commentator say, “Here’s Yuri Guranynski of Romania.  Since the last Olympics he’s had knee surgery, a broken shoulder, a displaced vertebrae, a torn Achilles tendon, a particularly bad nail fungus on his left foot, and a life threatening bald spot.  But he’s managed to come back and take the Romanian curling team to the podium.”

These athletes are masters of fitness and nutrition and they have more injuries than the audience at an English soccer match.

Soon the health insurance companies will figure this out.  “Hmm… 6’5”, 120 pounds, 13% body fat… This is going to cost you.  You’re a liability with all that athletic activity.”

But none of us are going to look like those athletes anyway.  Those gymnasts and weight lifters don’t work out at your $9 a month gym.  They have a special gym with a door that’s skinny at the bottom and wide on top so people like us don’t fit through it.

There are skills you need to have before you can even attempt some of those events.  Watch the female gymnasts do the vault.  That tray full of powder for their hands is on the floor.  Can’t touch your toes? No powder for you.

It’s not going to look good if you’re kneeling in front of the powder tray like a drug mule that dropped his stash.  Then you get up and make that old man grimace face while your knees pop.  No vault for you.

I prefer to work out at home.  Lifting weights and whatever.  And since I’m a born multi-tasker I like to catch up on comedy specials while I work out.  Here’s a tip: Don’t try to do bench presses while watching something funny.  You will drop a barbell on your face.  As my girlfriend warned me would happen.

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