An Open Letter To The World From Satan.

Dear World,

I’ve been watching what’s going on.  I get my Yahoo news just like the rest of you yahoos.  And I’m getting pretty tired of it.

Look, everyone seems to think that I’m the evil one in this game.  But all this war and crap?  Everyone’s fighting for their own god-thing!  You got your Christians fighting for Jesus, the “Prince of Peace” (har har), and God.  For Christ’s sake, you Christians haven’t even figured out your God’s name yet!  You can’t even make one up?  That’s some lazy religion there.  The Greeks and Romans made up names for their bazillion deities.  You can’t even name one.

For the record, his name is Wendell Xavier Dinklebanger III.  He only adds the “III” because he thinks it makes him sound sophisticated.  Oh yes, hallowed be thy name indeed.

You got your Muslim’s fighting for Allah and his profit (oops!) prophet Mohammed.  At least you Muzzies got their names right.  Bonus points if you can figure out Allah’s middle name.  Yep… Katrina!  Good job Louisiana!  You can stop blaming George Bush now.  Al got wasted the night before at a party Wendell was throwing and made a total mess of the place.  Gods can be real dickheads sometimes.

Oh, and the whole thing where you can’t draw a picture of Mohammed?  Yeah, Mo put that in there just because he doesn’t like being in pictures.  Thinks his nose is too big.

Ok, here’s the thing.  You’ve got the Christians fighting the Muslims.  The Jews fighting the Palestinians.  All the “good guys” sending their minions into war like a giant celestial game of Battleship.  I never get to play and I’m sick of it.  I’m going to jack up their little game something fierce.

I was having lunch with Buddha and Confucius the other day and we were talking about this stuff.  Buddha told me to stay out of it.  Actually, he said “Stay the f*#@ out of it.”  He’s got a pretty filthy mouth, that Buddha.

But I’m about to do something about it.  See, I’ve been working on a little project of my own for the last couple decades.  Amsterdam.  Netherworld… Netherlands… Get it?

We’ll start by making food drops over the entirety of the Middle East.  Pot brownies to start.  Pot brownies and Cheetos.  Therein lies a never-ending cycle, my friends.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t smoke the idiot weed myself.  That stuff will make you dumber than a box of hair.  But it also makes you lazy.  And it’s awfully hard to go to war when you’re passed out on the couch watching Maury Povich.

And for reinforcements, I’ll send in a few companies of stoners to show them how to roll and joint and make bongs out of common everyday objects.  We’ll have stoner arts-and-crafts classes at all the community centers.  Somehow stoners can’t get their brains together enough to even glue macaroni to a paper plate.  But they’re a bunch of flippin’ Macgyvers when it comes to smoking accessories.

Next up will be the hooker battalions.  It’s tough to fire a gun when you’re getting a BJ from a Red Light pro.  They keep all their women in those beekeeper outfits.  A little bit of cleavage and they’re bound to forget who they were shooting at.  It’s a proven fact.  Boobs make men forgetful.

Once the Middle East has settled into a smoky, Cheeto cheese covered haze, I’ll start on America.  This will be much easier.  All those right-wing, religious nuts?  Half of them are already doing this stuff.  Wendell is a little lackadaisical keeping his thought leaders in line.  Oxycontin and pedophilia?  It ain’t the tree-hugging granola eaters doing that stuff, is it?  I gave them weed a long time ago because they’re super annoying without it.  Always trying to save some animal or another.  No, I don’t want to sign your petition for anything.

So, gifts of pot brownies and hookers to the nutjobs in America.  Maury’s ratings will go through the roof.  The Discovery Channel will just change every show to Shark Week.  Everyone will go back to playing video games with hand-held controllers instead of all this Wii Fit crap.  Domino’s Pizza stock will rocket sky high.  And guess what?  No fighting.  I will have totally jacked up the Battleship game.  Wendell and Al will pout for millenia, but screw ‘em.  That’s what they get for leaving me out.

Oh.. and a special note for Matt Stone and Trey Parker.  I’m not gay.  The cartoons are very funny.  And Saddam Hussein really is that annoying.  But I’m not gay.  Ever see “The Devil In Miss Jones”?  That’s a documentary dudes… Stop putting Lindsay Lohan in jail.  I’m trying to get her down here.  Anna Nicole Smith is getting way annoying.

Satan out….

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